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Irreplaceable? Not So Much

Beyoncé needs a new bodyguard

Apparently running interference, and errands, for pop's biggest divas is as cutthroat an endeavor as scoring choice seats for Fashion Week. Last month, the New York Daily News reported that H-town music impresario and sire of R&B royalty Mathew Knowles dismissed daughter Beyoncé's longtime bodyguard, a 400-pound hulk known only as Shortie. "Papa Knowles thinks his daughter should be protected by a younger and more buff sentry," divulged gossipmongers Rush & Malloy. Though Shortie's severance package was rather Enronesque — according to the Daily News, Knowles bought out the remainder of his $500,000 contract, plus a $100K bonus — his firing creates a golden opportunity for some lucky ex-Cougar or Longhorn out there. Do you have what it takes?

Name:

Age:

Beyoncé: Pays double time for sitting through The Fighting Temptations, triple for The Pink Panther.
www.texasmusicproject.org
Beyoncé: Pays double time for sitting through The Fighting Temptations, triple for The Pink Panther.

Height:

Weight:

1. How much ya bench?

2. List all NFL/Arena/college football experience (minimum five years):

3. B frequently vacations in the Caribbean and Mediterranean. Are you a good swimmer?

4. Do you have a problem with giving Rufus Wainwright a beatdown for calling B's music "formulaic" and "trash culture"?

5. Are any songs by Rhianna, LeToya, Jennifer Hudson or Alicia Keys on your iPod?

6. If so, how soon can you get rid of them?

7. Give your honest opinion of The Pink Panther:

8. Could you drop everything at 3 a.m., including sexual intercourse, for a Popeye's run?

9. Estimate the number of shopping bags you can carry at one time:

10. Answer the following hypothetical (for now) questions as best you can:

a. "Do these new House of Dereon jeans make me look too bootylicious?"

b. "Does this Timbaland beat sound wack to you?"

c. "Why were Ciara and I wearing the same gown to the Grammys?"

d. "Jay hasn't texted me since last night. Do you know where he is?" Beyoncé performs Saturday, July 14, at Toyota Center, 1510 Polk, 713-627-9622. Robin Thicke opens.

 
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