Press 1 for English

Dear Mexican,

I work at a Seattle-based company, and our Customer Service Department uses a phone tree system that asks all callers to press 1 for English, 2 for Spanish and a few other numbers for commonly spoken languages in our area. I handle customer complaints as part of my job, and I get a surprising number of complaints from people who feel they shouldn't have to press a number to be spoken to in the "normal" language of English. They are offended by our phone tree. You seem to have a fairly high readership of people who are generally offended by ­Spanish-speaking people — could you deliver a message to them? The phone tree is for your own good. If we didn't ask non-­English-speakers to identify themselves at the beginning of the call, English-speaking people would have to wait in line behind those who don't speak English, and would have to wait for those non-English-speakers to get on the line with a non-Spanish (or other language)-speaking representative. They'd then have to wait for the non-English-speaking customer to be transferred to a representative who speaks their language. All of this speaking of the wrong language and call transferring would make calling a customer service center take far longer, and would irritate everyone. There is no law against not speaking English in this country — companies have English-speaking customers and non-English-speaking customers. People should just be grateful that they're asked to press 1 for English,and not 8.

Press 2 For Tough Tamales

Dear Gabacha,

I get this question asked mucho, and yours is as good a respuesta as I can ever scrawl. Can I pick you up at Home Depot if I ever need a cheap replacement?

Dear Mexican,

Being in law enforcement, I've had to handle many radio runs. I think Mexicans are some of the hardest-working people in Mexi-America, but why is it when Mexicans drink, they often stab or hit a brother or cousin? Why not a stranger to shake off some of that tension?

Hateful Hermanos Harmful

Dear Triple H Gabacho,

Mexican family and drinking is as volatile a mix as an Irishman and Jameson, but stats don't support your anecdotal evidence. The 2005 study, Family Violence Statistics: Including Statistics on Strangers and Acquaintances, by the United States Department of Justice's Bureau of Justice Statistics, found "Whites and blacks were more likely than Hispanics or persons of other races to be victimized by family violence" between 1998 and 2002, the most recent period investigated by the DOJ. As I've written before in this column, "alcohol" and "logic" repel each other like "border" and "enforcement" — apologies for the reiteration, gentle readers, but sometimes the most obvious answers are those that are pirated.

Dear Mexican,

If a Mexican were working at a coffee shop, would it be racist to call him a "beaner"?

Senior Rápido

Dear Gabacho,

No, but no es funny — about as clever as Minutemen chanting, "No se puede!" Try "burrito-ista."

themexican@askamexican.net