The Passion of Victoria Osteen

A flight attendant went after the Osteens in court, bringing on trials and tribulation for one and all

Ah, never mind. Is there any way to make myself smaller in this seat? Pretend I'm asleep? (Fat chance, with Cruella De Vil here berating the help.) I don't hear anything, I can't hear anything, not paying attention, na-na-na-na-na. I'm not hearing anyth — MY GOD IT'S JUST SOME LIQUID!!

Am I going to have to actually get involved? Tell me I'm not actually going to have to get involved. Please tell me I'm not going to have to get involved. Shit, I'm going to have to get involved.

He rises and speaks. "Look, I can clean it up. It's really not — "

"SIT DOWN, JOEL. NOW."

"Yes, dear."

Commandment the Fifth:
Thou Shalt Not Ignore the Most Basic Rule of Trial ­Lawyering

Even your grandma knows from watching Matlock that there is a basic rule drummed into every trial lawyer: Never ask a witness a question that you don't already know the answer to.

McKamie flouted that rule in flamboyant fashion, by calling a witness who completely contradicted everything he was trying to prove.

He could have had Hardin call that witness, we suppose, but that would have been less fun than shooting himself in the foot in front of a jury.

The very definition (unfortunately for the lawyer who produced her) of a surprise witness, Barbara Shedden was a passenger on the famous flight.

She was McKamie's last witness before he rested his case. And she completely destroyed it.

Shedden said she saw a discussion, but no assault, and "there's no way" there could have been an assault that she didn't see.

It surely was only a matter of time constraints that prevented McKamie from calling the rest of his witness list:

1) The president of the Victoria Osteen Fan Club

2) Joel Osteen's agent, in a video-­conference call from his newly purchased yacht

3) Sharon Brown's still-bitter ex-­husband

4) The executive director of the Anti-Frivolous Lawsuit Association.

Commandment the Sixth:
Good God, Not the Race Card

Which is worse? Sharon Brown saying Victoria Osteen acted the way she did because Brown is African-American, or Joel Osteen then going on the witness stand to say one of his childhood friends was black?

Unfortunately, we got to find out. And the answer is, it's a toss-up.

Determined to press all the annoy-the-jury buttons he could, McKamie introduced the race card.

As if Victoria Osteen doesn't treat the help like crap no matter what their color is. She doesn't look at color, people. She looks at status.

If you are lowly enough to be in the service industry, it matters not to her if you be black, white, brown or blue: As long as you fulfill her every whim immediately, you and she will get along just fine.

The most puzzling thing about Joel Osteen's "best friend is black" routine was that he was talking about a kid he knew growing up in Humble.

Which he consistently mispronounced, without the silent "H." Kind of made you wonder about the rest of the tale, the whole black-friend part.

Then again, perhaps it shouldn't be surprising that Joel Osteen would have trouble with the word "humble" in any of its forms.

Commandment the Seventh:
Thou Shalt Not Remind People of Lionel Hutz

Here are some quotes. Some come from McKamie (before, during and after the trial) and some come from the dearly departed Lionel Hutz, ace Simpsons lawyer voiced by Phil Hartman.

Can you tell the difference?

a) "Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching cash in on this tragedy."

b) "Trust yourselves. Trust the law...trust the system."

c) "She's a hero to me. She has ­convictions."

d) "I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history."

e) (To a female witness who says she's 60 years old, not 50) "Jesus. Okay. You look good for 60."

f) "This is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film The NeverEnding Story."

g) "Isn't a person's dignity...worth a half of a percent...of a painting by an imperfect man?"

h) "Ugh. If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I am going to scream."

i) "Well, that's...a measure of damages of — mental anguish damages. And mental anguish damages includes a lot of factors, and it's a broad area — it includes grief, grieving, loss of different things."

j) "Wrong!!! You are not fine! You are in terrible pain!"

(Answers: Hutz for a, d, f, h, j; McKamie for the rest. Don't feel bad if you didn't do too well. It was a very difficult quiz.)

Commandment the Eighth:
Thou Shalt Not, for Crying Out Loud, Ask for 10 Percent of Victoria's Net Worth

As the trial began, the general public quickly absorbed two things: There had been a brief incident on an airplane, and the lawyer was asking for millions of dollars over it.

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