By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
8. Seattle Seahawks — They basically benefit from a horrible division.
9. Philadelphia Eagles — The only opponent that can beat the Iggles is Fate. If they are mostly injury-free, expect a division title in a tough race.
10. Houston Texans — Houston had their best record last year and seemed to improve. Plus they have a Monday Night game against the Jaguars and they are undefeated in MNF history.
11. New Orleans Saints — Well, someone has to win the NFC South, but they did improve their linebacking corps with Vilma and hopefully they've tweaked their offense, which was exposed a bit last season.
12. Jacksonville Jaguars — Put this team in the NFC South, 13-3, division title, no question, but they've been in the shadow of the Colts for quite some time, which makes it a much more difficult playoff race for them.
13. Minnesota Vikings — Can you name the Vikings' Quarterback? Adrian Peterson better make up for that.
14. Arizona Cardinals — This is the year. Can you feel it? I can. I'm serious. Guys! This is it, this is the year, I know it!
15. Green Bay Packers — It must be pretty depressing as a Green Bay fan to realize you have 20 more years before another QB legend comes in for you to worship. Although I seriously like their running game, which could help get them the division in a weak race.
16. Tennessee Titans — As long as Vince Young doesn't have his pass attempts reach double digits, the Titans could win at least seven games.
17. Buffalo Bills — In a Sports Illustrated poll taken two years ago of more than 350 current NFL players, they asked the question, "Which coach has the best offensive mind, and which coach has the best defensive mind?" Dick Jauron was one of two coaches who got absolutely no votes. That probably hurt his feelings. Along with last year's Monday night game against the Cowboys and an 8-8 finish, it was a pretty frustrating year. But if the Super Bowl hangover curse does happen to the Pats, expect the Bills to step up and take the division.
18. New York Jets — As long as Brett Favre just has some fun out there, the Jets might — Never mind, all that matters is that Favre has some fun and plays the game as it's meant to be played. Hopefully Madden or Kornheiser will elaborate on this.
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers — This is the down year in their recent up and down seasons.
20. Washington Redskins — Jason Campbell could play every game, go undefeated and still not make the Super Bowl. He is from Auburn, after all.
21. Denver Broncos — They will pick up a guy off the street, and he will run for 1,000 yards.
22. Chicago Bears — The only return Hester won't make is to the Super Bowl, or the playoffs, or maybe even the top half of the division until they get a decent QB.
23. Baltimore Ravens — If the coach's last name weren't Harbaugh, I'd say 2-14 season.
24. Oakland Raiders — Just be slightly less than mediocre, baby. Who knows, with a great running game, they might surprise some people.
25. Kansas City Chiefs — Maybe they should bottle up some tears from Dick Vermeil and save them for this season, 'cause they obviously worked while he was coaching.
26. Cincinnati Bengals — A QB's greatest asset is his sense of smell, and Palmer's broken nose is a huge blow to Cincy. That and an extremely weak defense.
27. Carolina Panthers — Jake Delhomme can finally join other NFL greats who had Tommy John surgery, like Rob Johnson...and Craig Erickson...
28. Detroit Lions — Good News — Matt Millen is still there. Bad News — He still doesn't realize that he's actually running an NFL team.
29. St. Louis Rams — "Greatest Show on Turf"? More like Greatest...Low...on...shut up.
30. Miami Dolphins — They will lose games and Bill Parcells will be angry.
31. San Francisco 49ers — Mike Martz + Famed NFL Europe MVP J.T. O'Sullivan = a 3-13 record, or Super Bowl triumph like the '99 Rams. Maybe that's been Martz's coaching strategy all along, to intentionally be bad, in order to win. Hmmm...
32. Atlanta Falcons — The past three years, the team that finished last in the NFC South won it the next year. But then again, the past three years the Falcons have sucked, so who knows what to believe?
It's in the Stars
Okay, that seems like a reasonable-enough prediction for the upcoming NFL season. But when it comes to real predicting, the only place to look is to the stars.
As in astrology. As in we don't believe a word of it, but there are people who do. Sure, maybe only 2 percent of the people who do would recognize a 3-4 defense, but the inability to read defenses hasn't kept Vince Young from making millions.
We turned to noted Houston astrologer Figgy Jones. We chose not to ask her to recognize a 3-4 defense, but instead we gave her the birth dates, birthplaces and some relevant facts for key Texans and let her read the stars.