By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
In reply, we got a lot of mumbo jumbo. But it's scientific mumbo jumbo, according to Jones.
Here's her take:
Because wide receiver Andre Johnson was born so close in time to quarterback Matt Schaub — only 16 days apart — it's like double the blessing, double the headaches. You may scoff at the notion that either played for the team in a previous life, but both share the same Destiny Point, which has two parts to it: 1) Where you've come from, and 2) Where you're going. Theirs are exact, which is an example of how our souls travel in packs.
(Our comment: Seeing as how the Texans are five years old, we in fact will scoff at the notion that Schaub and Johnson played for them in a previous life. But that's just us.)
(Jones rebuts: You think the Texans don't have a past life, too? Because their track record so far just screams a team working off a karmic debt.)
The Texans, as an entity born in October 1999, tend to put both Schaub and Johnson on a pedestal. That's in terms of where they are going and where they "came from." We don't mean Pittsburgh and Miami, respectively; we mean their past lives. Both have to live up to their destiny to be the star, to shine.
Both players share the same vulnerabilities, with a deep astrological wound regarding their physical robustness. Sudden change triggers hurt feelings for both of them, but Schaub will respond by arguing, or by storming off to be alone. Johnson, however, will mind-fuck his opponent to death.
It seems, by the way, that head coach Gary Kubiak values Johnson as a person or player a tiny bit more than he does Schaub.
(Our comment: Johnson's All-Pro appearances — two; Schaub's — zero.)
Linebacker DeMeco Ryans is a little new-moon baby, but I'm jus' sayin': No matter what the impact of the August 1 eclipse this year — when it hit his moon and sun — you don't want to mess with him. EVER. He could easily work Black Ops for the Cheney White House if he weren't so busy being Rookie of the Year and stuff.
I can totally see Kubiak as the genius puppetmaster and Ryans kickin' butt. Ryans can execute what Kubiak masterminds, and isn't that what the game's about?
(Our comment: We chose not to complicate things by mentioning Kubiak mostly just coaches the offense. So sue us.)
(Jones rebuts: So put Kubiak in charge of Ryans!!)
(We rebut: Brilliant! Except for the fact it makes no sense.)
Speaking of eclipses, our head coach got zapped by the lunar eclipse August 16, the day after his birthday. While Kubiak's got a great ability to weave lightning-bolt intuition into his thought processes and seamlessly make changes, that just got amped up tenfold, my friends. His way of processing intuitive thinking and his very destiny was spurred by that eclipse.
Mark my words: Kubiak's made incremental progress Texanswise so far, but he's not gonna take the snail's pace anymore.
I for one will start following the games!
(Our comment: So, ummmm, the Texans are going to be good? And if not, Matt Schaub will sulk? Sounds about right. And if we had to guess, we'd estimate the over/under on how long Jones will be "following the games" at: Halfway through the first quarter of the second game, just after she realizes she hadn't even noticed the season opener.)
(Jones rebuts: Well, I got interested in their souls for a bit. But now I'm looking at Russia 'n' stuff. And don't forget: Don't fuck with DeMeco.)
It Won't Totally Suck This Year
Our next expert is Lance Zierlein, fantasy-football expert and co-host of the morning-drive show on 1560 AM, The Game (a.k.a. "The Station Most Everyone Thought Would Be Defunct By Now").
Zierlein, ever the rabid optimist when he's not being a pessimist, gives his Top Five Reasons Why It Won't Totally Suck to Be a Texans Fan This Year:
1. You have a chance to make money during Texans games thanks to the "Guess when Ahman Green goes out with an injury" pool.
2. Perennially closed roof means that you are safe from those pesky 60-degree outdoor games in December.
3. Piped-in fan support through the speakers and empty seats — OUT. Actually cheering throughout the game and fans showing up only reasonably late — IN!
4. Texans kicker/punter combination (Kris Brown and Matt Turk) could kick the asses off of any kicker/punter combination in the AFC South, if it ever jumps off.
5. This is the year Vince Young and the Tennessee Titans get what is coming to them from Mario Williams and the Houston Texans.
On the One Hand...
Our final expert is Charlie Pallilo from 790 AM, The Sports Animal (Why don't they ever call these stations "The Sports Salon" or "The Tea Room"?).
He has three reasons to be optimistic about the Texans this year, and three reasons to maybe not be so optimistic about the Texans this year.
On the plus side:
1. Last year they were second-worst in the NFL in turnover ratio. Managed 8-8 despite that. Even a middle-of-the-pack finish in TOs this year would augur well.