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Music's Ickiest of the Icky, Circa 2008

Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)

Creepy is a hard thing to pin down, but you know it when you see it because life is full of creepy people. The guy at the end of the bar with the moustache that licks his soup strainer when your girlfriend walks by. The chicks that claim to love Sports­Center. The Clear Lake bar scene.

All these folks have one thing in common: They all know how to seemingly creep us out of our Converse. The music industry is no different, likewise full of perverts, art-school dropouts and swarthy types. During this Halloween season, let's reflect on some of our favorite batshit loon-balls.

Bill Kaulitz, Tokio Hotel: You probably don't know who this guy is unless you stalk underage emo kids online or follow German pop-metal. Kaulitz is the lead singer of the popular Teutonic act Tokio Hotel, who sound like an even whinier HIM wielding a flatiron. This guy looks and sounds like a 14-year-old girl. I'm down with androgyny, believe me. Who doesn't like surprises? But only from the land that elevated David Hasselhoff to Beatle status would we get this. As Norm MacDonald was so fond of reminding us, Germans love David Hasselhoff.

Kevin Barnes, Of Montreal: Chatter digs Of Montreal's hip sound and the whole ­Outback-theme-song deal. But Kevin, please put your Pitchfork-approved ding-ding away, along with the powdered wig. In America we have something called standards, and being from Georgia, you should know better. Put on a sensible pair of jeans and sing your songs about unicorns and digital wolves, and leave our nightmares to ourselves and our Lord.

Gunther: Sweden has a long, storied history of bringing us great music: ABBA, Ace of Base, Roxette, Yngwie Malmsteen, etc. But it's also given us fashion-mulleted, self-professed "Loverman" Gunther, whose Web site lists his favorite things as "champagne, glamour, sex and respect." With his Eurotrash shimmer and immaculate porn stache, Gunther brings creepy to a whole new seamy depth. His upcoming album is reportedly titled Dirty Man Swedish Sex Beast, so I'll just stop there.

Bret Michaels: Bret, your illustrious Poison career/amateur pornography history aside, you weird us out. We would have been comfortable with you occasionally singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" at the racetrack each summer. But then you went a-gandering for l'amore on VH-1's Rock of Love, searching for a wife amongst a lusty, busty group of strippers, coke whores and ex-stripper coke whores for the past two years. You ended up banging all of them, so who's losing? Us, for watching each week as you wet your lips, stick a leather cowboy hat over your hair plugs and ride off on your hog.

LOCAL NEWS

RodeoHouston announced its first four 2009 performers last week: Rascal Flatts (March 3); the Jonas Brothers (March 8); Brad Paisley (March 12); and Taylor Swift (March 20). See www.rodeohouston.com for ticket information.•Houston rapper and mouthwear maven Paul Wall has opened his second grill shop, this time in a former jewelry store near Neiman Marcus in the Galleria. Uptown! •The Texas chapter of the Recording Academy will host a Latin Grammys kickoff party November 11 at House of Blues. For membership information, see www.grammy.com/recording_academy. •Houston blues belter Trudy Lynn headlines the 16th annual Blues for Food all-day festival Sunday, November 16, at Shakespeare's Pub. All proceeds benefit the Houston Food Bank. •The first workshop to sprout from the recent BandCamp, focusing on off-line promotion, is 1-3 p.m. Sunday at Caroline Collective, 4820 Caroline.

Local Motion

Top Sellers
Cactus Music
2110 Portsmouth, 713-526-9272

1. Lucinda WilliamsLittle Honey

2. Ray LamontagneGossip in the Grain

3. Kings of Leon, Only by the Night

4. Various Artists, Little Steven's Underground Garage Presents Halloween A Go-Go

5. Ra Ra Riot, The Rhumb Line

6. David Gilmour, Live in Gdansk

7. Various Artists, Never Ever Land

The International­ Artists Box Set

8. Todd Snider, Peace Queer

9. Black Keys, Attack and Release

10. Ting Tings, We Started Nothing

Airwaves

The Local Show
KTRU (91.7 FM), 8-10 p.m. Tuesdays
Selections from DJ Ian Wells's October 21 playlist

1. Paris Falls, "Withero"

2. Rusted Shut, "Godstrike"

3. Balaclavas, "Own Me"

4. Elaine Greer, "Partial"

5. Listen Listen, "I Dreamt of a Terrorful Adieu"

6. Tontons, extended on-air set

7. B L A C K I E, "Knives Incorporated"

8. News on the March, "Moving Pictures"

9. Tambersauro, "Blue and White Fragments"

10. Two Star Symphony, "Take This and Leave"

(lists compiled by Chris Gray)

 
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