Turkeys of the Year

In a highly competitive 2009 field, Governor Rick Perry is the biggest gobbler of them all.

Maybe it was those Cuban-heeled dancing shoes. Maybe it was that Mr. Attitude dancer's face. Or perhaps it was his clumsily gyrated hips, so strongly suggestive of an in-your-face mooning rather than anything remotely perceptible as dancing,

But whatever image most jarred the sensitive viewer — seeing the indicted ex-Congressman wrestling through a tango, wriggling out a samba, stomping on a cha-cha and air-fellating a microphone to "Wild Thing" — it was well worth the squirm.

So it was oddly disappointing to see DeLay exit the competition early for medical reasons, when X-rays confirmed that he did, in fact as in legend, have cloven hooves.

Communicating with players was never a Cecil Cooper specialty.
Chad Crowe
Communicating with players was never a Cecil Cooper specialty.
Financial mastermind Stanford is now getting in prison fights over who can use the phone.
Chad Crowe
Financial mastermind Stanford is now getting in prison fights over who can use the phone.

Sugar Land's own Disgraced Congressman landed in the "bottom two" every week he competed, including the third, when the "pre-stress fractures" in both feet (pre-stress fractures??? I know) compelled him to withdraw prior to his inevitable public humiliation. I say inevitable because, despite brief flashes of incipient agility, there was no way Tom DeLay was going to make it to the finals. After eight weeks of lessons and three weeks of live dancing, The Hammer exhibited no discernible improvement.

Happily for all concerned, though, his cloven hooves asserted themselves, thus sparing This Great Land of Ours additional weeks of contested elections and a deeply disturbing spectacle. So I'm writing to nominate Dick Armey for next season.

Damn. We thought for sure Bert would have just loved the spritely dervish that was Tom DeLay, and therefore The Hammer could finally be spared Turkey-dom.

But if the Cuban heel fits...

rich.connelly@houstonpress.com

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