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SPECIAL YEAR-END EDICION

 Dear Mexican,

Why in the hell does everything have to be in English and Spanish? I ride the bus/train to work (not because I must, but because it's more efficient) and every time someone requests to stop, you hear "Stop Requested," then this parrar bullshit! Not to mention the schools are packed with ESL students and teachers. I want my daughter to learn from an English teacher, not someone who just came across the border her damn self. I am tired of catering to you motherfuckers. No other country babysits Americans the way America babysits Mexicans. I'm tired of feeling like a handicapped or less-than TRUE American Citizen cause I don't "meet the qualifications." Qualifications? I have a degree! My English in damn-near perfect! Because we refuse to cater to you spics, we as a country suffer. Fix your own land and quit jumping borders!

Sick of All of You

Dear Gabacho,

Between your point in insisting you don't ride public transit due to economic duress, the fact bilingualism exists in your day-to-day life, your child attending a super-majority Mexican school, your whining about affirmative action, and your fucked-up logic (you mean because the U.S. does cater to spics, everyone else suffers) I'll peg you as a working-class gabacho who'd rather blame Mexicans for his sad existence than the captains of industry who make our economy the way it is. May the holidays bring your family luck, and may the Virgin of Guadalupe take off your class blinders so you can open your eyes, ese.

Dear Mexican,

Why do you only answer two questions per week? Don't your publishers know that they could hire a gringo to answer four questions per week at the same price? I know these questions must cut into your tequila time, but at least you don't have to do any heavy lifting. There's so much more I want to know about Mexican culture like, "Why do Mexicans wear cowboy boots while playing polka music?" or "Why doesn't Mexico just apply to become our 51st state?" or "Is Gustavo Arellano really the nom de plume of Carlos Mencia?" If you're really a Mexican, I think you could handle five or ten questions a week. Andale, for crying out loud!

The Blue Prince of Dallas

Dear Gabacho,

I can answer dozens of preguntas in the course of an hour, but that has to be on a radio station, where I take listener calls (hint, hint, local Know Nothing talk-show yappers!). In print, the Mexican is grateful newspapers even carry his column. Don't know if you've heard, Blue Prince, but my profession is just above telegraph operator nowadays in the stability department, with some periódicos that carried my columna folding during the past year, others running me exclusively on the Internet due to space constraints. What secures my existence? Ustedes readers, whose wonderful questions, letters to the editor in favor and against my existence, and attendance whenever I invade your town ensure editors don't deport me for good.

Two thousand nine has been a tough year for all, especially Mexicans, who had to suffer through an año of amnesty limbo, hate crimes, and George Lopez Tonight. But 2010 brings hope. It's the 200th anniversary of Mexico's liberation from Spain and 100 years since the Mexican Revolution, so we know la raza will experience another transformative upheaval. Let's begin the new year with good: the winners of my contest asking ustedes to plug your favorite Mexican restaurant in 25 words or less! The Mexican does not vouch for the quality of this place, and if you don't like the winner, you should've entered the contest, pendejo. Have a feliz New Year, and remember to shoot your guns toward the ground, not the air!

Ask the Mexican at themexican@askamexican.net, myspace.com/ocwab, facebook.com/garellano, find him on, Twitter, or write via snail mail at: Gustavo Arellano, P.O. Box 1433, Anaheim, CA 92815-1433!

THE RESTAURANTE WINNER: No one in Orange County. Sorry, folks of my beloved patria, but your selections were no bueno. Don't you read our food section?!

NO WINNER

Sorry, cabrones, but ustedes wrote me love letters that went above the 25-word maximum for this contest. Comprende contest rules?

ALBUQUERQUE

Lo mejor de los restaurantes mexicanos de Albuquerque tiene que ser Padilla's Mexican Kitchen. They're so good they don't even open on Saturday or Sunday! 1510 Girard Blvd. NE, Albuquerque, 505-262-0115.

CHATTANOOGA

La Altena: Coming from Los Angeles, their chile rellenos at least make us miss California less. Very nice owners, too. 314 W. Main St., Chattanooga, 423-266-7595.

DALLAS

Cuquita's. The Holy Trinity is present, mi hermano: frijoles refried in lard, abuelita's arroz, tortillas de maiz upon arrival. Start guacamole, order milaneza, finish horchata. Multiple locations.

DENVER

Go to the Original Chubbys. What makes it so bueno? It's a real paisa with buen diente the one who is making the suggestion and not a pinche bolillo who thinks guacamole should taste like lime and garlic, vamos a la verga! PS: Invita, güey! 1231 W. 38th Ave.,

Denver, 303-455-9311.

EL PASO

Chico's Tacos — need I write more?

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