Houston's Jesus Predicts Troubles

SPACED CITY

Houston's Jesus Predicts Troubles
More death coming to Caribbean, He says

By Craig Malisow

In case you haven't gotten your share of tragic news out of Haiti, a reliable Hair Balls source tells us there will be plenty more death and destruction within the next 30 months. And just who is this unimpeachable tipster? Why, none other than Jesus Christ Himself, a.k.a. José Luis de Jesús Miranda of Missouri City, a.k.a. the Antichrist.

His spokeswoman, Alex Poessy, sent us a video where Miranda warns that "Calamaties are coming to the Earth...islands, get ready."

Unfortunately, Miranda doesn't specify which islands, and exactly what "calamaties" will befall them. And while he has the power to prevent these events, Poessy said, he's merely following scripture by letting them occur. Which means that he's just fine with a bunch of babies dying. What an awesome dude to pray to!

"It's not that he wants to kill people," Poessy said, "it's that that's what's written."

As Miranda says in the video: "The foundations of the Earth are trembling. Theology doesn't understand — no, because it's impossible that God did this. What's impossible?...He brings death, he gives life, he does as he wants on the face of the Earth...What was it that passed by Haiti? An army of angels of destruction."

Per prophecy, the image of the beast will have power for 42 months, Poessy said. While many have interpreted "image of the beast" to mean "the devil," such is not the case, as the devil no longer exists. "The beast" actually means "the second coming of Jesus," which is what all this earthquake business is about. So just hang on for two and a half more years, and then all will be swell.

We first profiled Miranda, a former heroin addict, in 2006, when he was splitting time between homes in Miami and Missouri City. He claims to have hundreds of thousands of followers spread over 103 countries, and they all tune in to his weekly Internet broadcasts. Apparently, they don't seem to have any problem with Miranda using charitable donations for personal expenses, like alimony payments to his first wife, and buying property in his and his relatives' names.

While Miranda has quite a following, the church where his local followers — many of whom sport "666" tattoos — congregate is decidedly modest. A storefront church across from a used-car lot on Bissonnet, Growing in Grace Ministry doesn't exactly scream "second coming." But that doesn't mean the Antichrist doesn't like the finer things in life, like a diamond-encrusted Pasha watch. Hey — the first time around, all Jesus had was a tattered tunic and a pair of freakin' flip-flops. And what did that get him? A ticket to crucifix-ville, that's what. So why not live it up a little this time? Maybe the watch will give him the exact time of when all those island babies will die.
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CRIME

Customer Service Sucks, Even for Bank Robbers

By Richard Connelly

If there's one thing that sucks about society these days, it's how you have to wait in line forever before getting any service. Especially if you're trying to rob a bank.

The gentleman pictured here no doubt thinks so. He walked into a Bank of America on the West Sam Houston Parkway on a recent afternoon and handed a note to a teller.

The note, the FBI says, "threatened that someone would get hurt if he didn't get some money."

A reasonable enough request, if you're a bank robber. Implied in the transaction, one would think, is the covenant that such funds should be delivered in as brief a time as possible, what with silent alarms and such no doubt going off.

Here, the tellers at Bank of America sadly failed.

"Apparently," the FBI says, "the robber got tired of waiting for his cash, and left the bank empty-handed. He was seen getting into a dark-colored vehicle of unknown make and model as he fled the scene."

Strong letter to follow to BofA management, no doubt.

FBI special agent Patricia Villafranca tells Hair Balls the wait involved was "several minutes." During which the tellers were no doubt yapping about American Idol or something while this guy is in a hurry, puh-leeeze.

Is it possible the delay was ­strategic? Villafranca doesn't necessarily think tellers were told to go slow.

"Each bank trains its tellers as to what they want them to do," she said. "This may have just been a delay due to fear and not an intentional delay."

Or it might just have been crummy customer service.
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COURTS

Family Hopes to Stop HFD Recklessness

By Richard Connelly

Much of Montrose was rocked last year when Leigh Boone, a vivacious 29-year-old executive assistant at the Houston Center for Photography, was killed when two fire trucks racing to a false alarm collided.

Boone was on the sidewalk, seemingly safe, but suffered fatal head injuries.

The city approved a $225,000 settlement with Boone's family on January 27. It may not sound like much, but Texas law limits the amount that the city could be forced to pay to $250,000.

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