Our Year

Will Texans make it to playoffs?

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Pick 'em

PREDICTION: Texans welcome everyone back onto the bandwagon. Texans 28, Cowboys 17.

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Gary Kubiak better not be dreaming up any more halfback passes in the red zone.
Aaron M. Sprecher
Gary Kubiak better not be dreaming up any more halfback passes in the red zone.
Is it going to be Super Mario or ­Average Mario­?
Aaron M. Sprecher
Is it going to be Super Mario or ­Average Mario­?

Sunday, Oct. 3 – at Oakland

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Yeah, the Raiders have a "try hard" vibe about them, but that's largely because they're afraid their coach (Tom Cable) is going to punch them in the face and chokeslam them through a table. Plus, the stench of JaMarcus Russell's purple drank still permeates the locker room.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Similar to Week 2, there could be a post-Cowboys letdown, regardless of the Week 3 outcome against Dallas. The Texans got their heads handed to them in Oakland two years ago by a worse Raiders team than this one.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -3.5

PREDICTION: Texans learn their lesson. Cable punches someone. Texans 23, Raiders 14.

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Sunday, Oct. 10 – vs New York Giants

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Giants QB Eli Manning's blank stare makes you think that he would have trouble delivering pizzas, much less deciphering an NFL defense. His deal with the devil in the 2007 playoffs is still one of the all-time most lucrative.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Tom Coughlin will try to challenge the Texans' manhood by pounding Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw, and the Texans typically react to that like Timmy Lupus getting ketchup poured on his head in The Bad News Bears.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -4.5

PREDICTION: Today, Timmy Lupus stands up. Texans 20, Giants 17.

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Sunday, Oct. 17 – vs Kansas City

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: The Chiefs are the team that cut Texan Bernard Pollard in 2009. Not sure if you all know this, but Bernard Pollard is insane. There is a good chance we could see our first decapitation in an NFL game. Frankly, I'm giddy.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Chiefs rookie Eric Berry decides to match Pollard dismemberment for dismemberment and turns David Anderson into a grease spot after a hit over the middle, after which KC coordinators Charlie Weis and Romeo Crennel both walk over to the Anderson road kill and ask each other "You gonna eat that?"

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -7.5

PREDICTION: First easy one of the season. Texans 31, Chiefs 10.

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Sun, Oct. 24 – BYE

BYE WEEK PREDICTION:

Jacoby Jones tweets something that, after being translated into English, gets him into trouble.
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Monday, Nov. 1 – at Indianapolis

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: At this point, I have them as the hottest team in the NFL! Four in a row, fools! AND they're coming off a nice, long bye week of rest. Plus, don't they have to win one of these marquee Colts games at some point?

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: See same reasons as Week 1 versus the Colts. Plus, this would put the Texans at three games over .500 for the first time in franchise history. Hate predicting "first time" things.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Colts -7

PREDICTION: Sorry, I want to pull the trigger. I can't. Colts, 24, Texans 20.

BUCKET RATING: STEAL
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Sunday, Nov. 7 – vs San Diego

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Because this is the type of game a good team fighting for their playoffs lives wins. At home, against a good team, bouncing back on a short week. Plus, Philip Rivers throws like a girl.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: The Texans NEVER win this type of game.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Chargers -1

PREDICTION: Letdown city. Just wouldn't be a real season if we weren't trying to fire Kubiak eight games in. Chargers 28, Texans 24.

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Sunday, Nov. 14 – at Jacksonville

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Because of all the teams in the AFC South, this is the one they own. And by own, I mean they're 8-8 in franchise history against them (compared to 4-12 versus Tennessee and 1-15 versus Indy, that's ownership, baby!)

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: This is the spot last season where the Texans almost lost Matt Schaub for the year and where Kubiak tried the halfback option pass with Chris Brown (R.I.P....oh, he's still alive?). In other words, bad vibes. Plus, Maurice Jones-Drew turns into Tecmo Bo Jackson circa 1990 against the Texans.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Pick 'em

PREDICTION: Must win situation, given the next month's schedule. Texans get it done. Texans 19, Jaguars 14.

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Sunday, Nov. 21 – at New York Jets

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: I have no idea. Pissed about losing out on Hard Knocks? Rex Ryan passes out from a diabetic coma after a box of Krispy Kremes? Honestly, I can't come up with anything legitimate here. Help me out!

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Because when we last saw these two teams play, the Texans offensive linemen were getting tossed in the air like pizza dough by the Jets defensive line.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Jets -4.5

PREDICTION: David Anderson continually gets in Antonio Cromartie's head by asking him to name all of his kids. Andre Johnson goes for 230 yards receiving. Texans win! Texans 23, Jets 21.

BUCKET RATING: STEAL
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