Our Year

Will Texans make it to playoffs?

Sunday, Nov. 28 – vs Tennessee

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: The Titans are just the Oilers in a Tennessee luchador mask. There's nothing to be afraid of here, Vince or no Vince.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Chris Johnson was a big problem for the Texans last season. Like "a whole bunch of really long touchdowns" big. That could become an issue again.

Gary Kubiak better not be dreaming up any more halfback passes in the red zone.
Aaron M. Sprecher
Gary Kubiak better not be dreaming up any more halfback passes in the red zone.
Is it going to be Super Mario or ­Average Mario­?
Aaron M. Sprecher
Is it going to be Super Mario or ­Average Mario­?

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -4

PREDICTION: The Texans treat prosperity like Antonio Cromartie treats condoms. Titans 21, Texans 20.

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Thursday, Dec. 2 – at Philadelphia

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: I'm pretty sure former Houston Cougar quarterback Kevin Kolb is going to have a big year for the Eagles just based on who is surrounding him in the Eagle offense, but you never know how people will react to the spotlight.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Have you been to Philadelphia in December? It's fucking cold! And the people are fucking mean! And this game could be a big fucking mess!!

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Eagles -5.5

PREDICTION: Meanness and cold win out. Eagles 31, Texans 21.

BUCKET RATING: STEAL
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Monday, Dec. 13 – vs Baltimore

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Because it's December, bitches!! Time to get the engine revved up!! You don't scare us, Joe Flacco!!

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Because Ray Lewis actually does scare me. Like if I happen to fall asleep during SportsCenter and Ravens highlights are playing in the background while I sleep, there is a 90 percent chance I wake up in a pool of my own piss because Ray Lewis has infiltrated my dreams. Lewis should have his own video game where he just comes in the room and scares the shit out of you and you have to find some way to escape. You get the idea. Ray Lewis frightens me.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -1.5

PREDICTION: Andre Johnson saves the world from Ray Lewis, and saves Gary Kubiak from a trip to hotjobs.com. Texans 24, Ravens 13.

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Sunday, Dec. 19 – at Tennessee

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Uh, have I mentioned it's December? Winning time, fools.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: They won't.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Titans -1

PREDICTION: The Texan steam train is picking up speed. Texans 26, Titans 17.

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Sunday, Dec. 26 – at Denver

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN:

If there's one place the Texans should be comfortable on the road, it's Denver, which has doubled as their farm team during the Kubiak Era.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: It's Christmas weekend and the Baby Tebow is on the other team. Never a good thing.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -3

PREDICTION: Photos of Tebow jaywalking released on TMZ distract Broncos. Texans 35, Broncos 17.

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
_____________________

Sunday, Jan. 2 – vs Jacksonville

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: They close out strong at home every year under Kubiak, 4-0 in the home finale, including a win over Jacksonville in 2007 (also known as Andre Davis Day)!

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Jaguar coach Jack Del Rio may be in "nothing to lose" mode at this point, which means someone has a legitimate chance of getting killed. He has crazy eyes.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -6.5

PREDICTION: Not today, Jacksonville! Texans 30, Jaguars 17.

BUCKET RATING: STEAL
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So let's add it up, shall we?

MUST WIN (6) — @ Oakland, vs New York Giants, vs Kansas City, vs Tennessee, @ Denver, vs Jacksonville

I have the Texans going 5-1 in these games, so they use their mulligan, but 5-1 is acceptable.

COIN FLIPPERS (7) — vs Indianapolis, @ Washington, vs Dallas, vs San Diego, @ Jacksonville, vs Baltimore, @ Tennessee

I have the Texans going 4-3 in these games. Right on target.

STEALS (3) — @ Indianapolis, @ New York Jets, @ Philadelphia

And I have them stealing one of these three games, again acceptable!

So are the Texans going to the playoffs? Well, the magic 8-ball that is the Pendergast Bucket Theory says "All signs point to YES!" Blind faith has gotten me this far, I'm not stopping now. I can't, I won't. Put away the saltines. It's nacho time on Kirby, Texans fans!

Your Houston Texans are going 10-6 this year.
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YOUR BEST BETS

I'm not here to condone gambling. However, in this economy, no available resource for income can be ignored. And there are many exotic plays out there that, quite frankly, are more reliable than the stock market right about now. If you're looking for a way to start caring about football a little too much, climb aboard the pain train and let's do some season proposition bets together.

ARIZONA CARDINALS UNDER 7½ wins (+110) — You'll notice a recurring theme in how I pick season win total wagers. Quarterback play counts for roughly 75 percent of my evaluation (and that may be underestimating it). The Cardinals QB situation is a dogfight between Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson right now. Let me repeat — the Cardinals QB situation is a dogfight between Matt Leinart and Derek Anderson right now. I smell 4-12.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS OVER 10½ wins (-135) — Virtually every season, either because of injuries or a tough schedule or just the general human condition of letting your guard down, one of the two Super Bowl teams from the previous season has a drop-off that leaves them out of the playoff picture. 2009 Steelers, 2008 Patriots, 2007 Bears, 2006 Steelers, 2005 Eagles, 2004 Panthers...keep going? Okay, 2003 Raiders and Bucs, 2002 Patriots and Rams, 2001 New York Giants. You get my point. That said, this year it won't be the Colts. Since 2003, they've been a lock to win 12 games every year. A bet on the Colts over 10½ wins is a bet on Peyton Manning staying healthy. I'll roll the dice on that. Which therefore means...

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