Your Heinous Co-Workers

Their ten most annoying habits

WHATEVER

Your Heinous Co-Workers
Their ten most annoying habits

By Richard Connelly

The sniffling-and-coughing season is upon us, so that means it's time to get highly, highly annoyed by the idiots in the nearby cubicles at your office.

Not our office, you understand. We have terrific, totally un-annoying co-workers. You guys out there, though, you gotta lotta problems, as Frank Costanza would say.

We asked you what some of your suppressed cubicle rage-inducers were, and there were plenty. Of course, when asked, "What do your co-workers do that's annoying?" if you answer "Does 'existing' count?" it's probably not a fixable problem.

10. Eating too loudly

Or, as one put it, "­Chomping on her gum like a fucking heifer."

If it's not gum-smacking, it's crunching chips or slurping coffee. People: No one wants to hear you eating.

9. Hovering

You're on the phone; someone in the office needs to talk to you. Tip to waiting need-to-talker: The universal sign for "call me when you're done" is just like the universal sign for "give me a call." It involves a thumb, a pinky and your ear. You then return to your designated space and await the call, without entertaining yourself by listening to your co-worker on the phone.

8. Talking about your wonderful, fantastic, not-at-all average kids

At any stage of your kid's development — first steps, an A on a class assignment, success on the soccer field — remember this: It's been done. It is terrific for you, it can be totally new to you and that's great, but other people in the history of the universe have had kids, too.

7. Flirting on the phone

NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR "BABYTALK" FLIRTING. Really, this cannot be emphasized enough. Although if you are somehow the type of person who can do that in public and not be utterly embarrassed, you're likely a lost cause. And if there is another human being within ten feet of you, no matter if there is a cubicle between you two or not, you are in public.

6. Endless throat-clearing

We realize you don't have a chalkboard handy to run your fingernails down and are simply trying the next most annoying option, but you cannot hold your co-workers responsible if they "suddenly" erupt into a staple-hurling rage after the 1,492nd throat-clear of the day.

5. Violating basic headphones etiquette

We realize your taste in music is far, far cooler and more ironically hip than all the other losers on your cube farm, but that doesn't mean you have to blast it so everyone can be blessed by your generous sharing of it. And it certainly doesn't mean you can sing along "to yourself."

4. Eat lunches that have the pungency of a Mumbai spice market

Great, you don't consume food loudly. That's appreciated. If, however, you make up for a lack of noise by substituting overpowering smell, well, that's just air pollution instead of noise pollution.

3. Engage in endless discussions about a) reality shows or b) fantasy football

E-mail was invented for a reason, people. And that reason was to avoid work by communicating about nonessential stuff while still keeping your co-workers sane.

2. If you at any time have been told you have a unique laugh or giggle, DO NOT EVER BE AMUSED BY ANYTHING

That giggle might have seemed charming to someone in a bar one night, but six months of it can be a very, very dangerous thing.

1. And then there's this

We'll just quote one of the people who responded: "Coming back from lunch wearing someone else's perfume.
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DOING IT DAILY

There is a ton of stuff each day on the Houston Press blogs; you’re only getting a taste of it here in the print edition. Head to blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs (or “/rocks” or “/eating” or “/artattack”) and under “Tools” on the top-right side of the page, use the “categories” drop-down menu to find these stories:

Spaced City

We had photos and news from the fire that took out Montrose's Agora, from our reporter who happened to be in drag (Hey, it was Halloween). Media types (including us) rappelled down the InterContinental Hotel, and survived. And HPD crowed over statistics showing crime is down from last year.

Political Animals

Lots of fallout from the GOP wave in Texas — Rick Perry went on a book tour and we offered five reasons why he would be President and five reasons he wouldn't; the nation prepared for a Tea Party Legislature in Austin, the King Street Patriots made a name for themselves and Houston voters took out red-light cameras, but not right away.

Sports

Gary Kubiak's coaching decisions continued to appall many Houstonians; a woman in Dallas (of course) decided to give a lap dance instead of watching the Cowboys, much to the Internet's amusement; UH flirted with joining the Big East, an actual BCS conference.

Art Attack

We witnessed BooTown's backyard performance of a Japanese folktale that included fire, cannibalism and a farmer marrying a rabbit. Our video curator reported on his NYC trip to the first-ever YouTube festival. We investigated the myriad sexual positions possible that utilize Snuggies. Our election-day coverage included lists of the best fake politicians and inspiring political films. And we talked with local playwright and entrepreneur Je'Caryous Johnson about his dreams of turning Houston into a film-industry destination.

 
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