Play Ball, Baby

A new season for the Astros, and hopefully a new team.

I suppose eBay is another option, but my fear is that Drayton doesn't really read the Feedback sections that closely. How else do you explain the Carlos Lee signing? I would hate to wind up with a bad owner because Drayton didn't go see that the guy had several "F minus minus! You suck!!!" comments from the time he went on a ceramic zoo animal-buying binge back in 2008.

So yeah, investment bank is probably the way to go. The most recent ownership rumors center around local businessman Jim Crane and the possibility that he might be the one. Whatever the case, thankfully, before selling the team, Drayton made sure he left us all with a gargantuan parting gift in right field...

"Okay, but there is NOTHING like a really big television."

To those asking for Kiss Cam in high def: Be careful what you wish for.
Aaron M. Sprecher
To those asking for Kiss Cam in high def: Be careful what you wish for.
If Carlos Lee is running, there's probably a dinner bell ringing somewhere.
Aaron M. Sprecher
If Carlos Lee is running, there's probably a dinner bell ringing somewhere.

I believe Elaine Benes put it best on Seinfeld when she and Jerry and the gang purchased a big-screen television for their friend "The Drake" (Love the Drake!). There really is nothing like a big television! If nothing else, Astros fans have a brand-new, high-definition scoreboard to look forward to. Three years in the making, the scoreboard is 54 feet high and 124 feet wide, along with ribbon boards, and it's the largest video board in the Major Leagues to feature a 1080i display format.

So now you get to see...

45 Carlos Lee

1st — Grounded into double play

3rd — Struck out looking

5th — Struck out swinging

7th — Grounded into double play

...in high definition, which is only slightly less repulsive than watching Kiss Cam in high definition. Because that's what we all need to see — high-definition video of two suburban parents in Andy Pettitte jerseys mauling each other in Section 302.

Broadcaster Jim Deshaies called the new video control center "the ultimate man cave." To his point, if the Astros are looking for a promotion during the dog days of August, I would like to propose "Man Cave Sunday." With the biggest high-definition television in the city of Houston, the hard part (ya know...procuring and installing a nice TV) is actually done. Add in some reclining seats, just for one day. Have some inning-by-inning contests for control of the remote (which, no doubt, looks like the inside of the cockpit of a 747). Men must have at least one hand down the front of their pants at all times. That's mandatory and nonnegotiable. If you get up to go to the bathroom, you have to bring reading material.

Astros President of Business Operations Pam Gardner called the unveiling a "momentous occasion." I couldn't agree more. In fact, I remember back when I got out of college in the early '90s, and I was making a little bit of money, my first big purchase was a big-screen television. This was back when a 60-inch television immediately became the biggest piece of furniture in your living room and if you ever decided to move, you needed three friends to help you move it. Also, the smaller your place, the more gaudy and ridiculous it looked. I had a small place, so therefore it looked gaudy and ridiculous. Unless you were 24 years old, in which case it was awesome. The reasons I bought that television were about 20 percent for the viewing experience and 80 percent to hear my friends tell me how cool it was. Regardless of age, people love to hear the tinge of jealousy in their friends' voices when they marvel at their material possessions.

My point is, I like to think that somewhere deep down inside Drayton McLane, there is a small, "materialistic 24-year-old phone system salesman" part of him as he shows off that new high-definition scoreboard to his rich friends, and when they talk about how awesome it is he just nods his head smugly.

So if an ownership change and a really big TV aren't enough to interest you in the Astros, we always have the old standby...

When in doubt, wager.

I understand that some of you out there are not all that fired up about the Astros, and you probably feel a little guilty about it. You grew up in Houston, and the 'stros have always been your team. You remember back to the days when your dad brought you to the ballpark to see Cesar Cedeno and Jose Cruz work their magic in the spacious outfield of the Astrodome. You owned one of those Technicolor-vomit rainbow jerseys, perhaps a Craig Reynolds joint, and you can barely muster the gumption to buy your kid a brick-colored Michael Bourn shirt.

Admit it. It kills you a little bit that you couldn't give a rat's ass about how the Astros finish the season. Well, what would you say if I told you that I have a foolproof way for you to care about each and every game this season, and possibly double your investment in the process? Would that be of interest to you?

Well, allow me to introduce you to a friend of mine I call the "Season Total Win Wager!"

(By the way, if you think that my proposal of wagering on the season sounds a little too much like your neighbor who does Amway trying to talk you into attending an introductory meeting to become part of their downline, just know that similarities do exist. Participation in either one, gambling or Amway, usually starts with a combination of peer pressure and/or desperation for income, and the forecasts for future earnings through either one are typically wildly inaccurate, if not fabricated.)

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6 comments
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Rhonda Omberg
Rhonda Omberg

You're a very funny guy, Sean. I enjoyed the read immensely. I actually haven't been looking forward to the Astros this year as much as I would like to, but then they've surprised me before. I am a little miffed that they haven't done much in the area of improvement (a 100 million dollar TV doesn't do much to mollify the void on the trophy case) in several areas - minor leagues among them. However, the team shows some promise and as long as Drayton doesn't get a wild hair and sell everyone off 'Major League"-style, I think 81-81 is possible.

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The OSD
The OSD

Great work Sean! Gambling, Seinfeld, Carlos Lee, Star Wars, White Snake, etc. all wrapped up in an Astro's nugget! My only question is how could you leave Milo out?

ahem!
ahem!

You work in a Whitesnake reference, but not Tawny Kitaen pics? I'm pretty sure you've achieved dork status.How about The Ultimate Fighter: Drayton? I admit I just want to see Drayton wearing an Affliction tee.

Chance McClain
Chance McClain

The 800 Pound Gorilla...I totally thought you were going to the Carlos Lee card early...

I continue reading...

 
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