Sex Dolls & Texans

The men who love pseudo-women

TEXAS, WHATEVER

Sex Dolls & Texans
The men who love pseudo-women

By Craig Malisow

While intending to Google "existentialism and Sartre," Hair Balls accidentally typed "sex dolls Texas," and wound up at The Doll Forum: A Meeting Place for Love Doll Owners & Admirers. Just as we were about to hit the back arrow, we were lured in by the site's status as delivering "all the doll news since 2001."

Intrigued, we decided to see if there were any Texans milling about, and, if so, what they liked to talk about when it comes to "love dolls," which apparently include the über-expensive and allegedly lifelike Real Dolls brand as well as a host of others. Our questions were answered, which will no doubt require years of therapy to deal with. Here's a sampling of what people who might very well be your friends and family are up to:

4 SALE

"Wired," who says he lives in Dallas-Fort Worth, is selling his secondhand 2007 "4Woods Neo-J" doll (which he bought from a dude in Humble called "Jazzman") for $3,000. "This doll had no damage when I purchased her, other than missing labia, and she has not suffered any damage in the nearly two years I have owned her," Wired assures. "I have repaired the missing labia damage with a set of spare labia Jazzman was kind enough to provide....In my opinion the only obvious differences from brand new condition are some missing pubic hairs and some wearing off of paint on the nipples."

But Wired can't let it go at that. He has to continue with what might be the single most horrifying sentence in the history of the written word:

"I believe I read somewhere that the 4woods pubic hairs are individually inserted real hair, so it is not surprising that they eventually pull out or break off the way real hair would - but they don't grow back."

Before you decide whether to shell out three grand for a twice-owned '07, you'll probably want to weigh the pros and cons. Here are a few: The pros of Wired's model is that she comes with two heads. The cons: no anal opening.

In East Texas, LoveforSale66 had good luck selling his "Pamela" doll, perhaps because, after eight months of ownership, "the strong plastic smell has dissipated; she takes a perfume or powdering well."

LoveforSale66 made a few modifications, including a full pedicure and the addition of eyelashes. Perhaps the most significant was some reinforcement of the "head attachment," which was shoddy: "Got tired of her head popping off at inopportune moments."

Another Texas owner, Firefly 2008, is selling "Shannon" because of "health issues." (Mercifully, he doesn't elaborate.) The doll has "the usual two openings" and is a collector's item because "the company can no longer make this doll due to court order."

Oh God, the humanity.

MAKEUP

Meanwhile, a guy calling himself "Darcrivt," who says he's "a prison guard at Texas' Death Row," was recently awaiting delivery of his "Ruby13" model. But he was already concerned about the best way to pretty her up.

"My question is actually about Ruby's makeup," he writes, "....Can all of her makeup be permanently applied? The blush, the eyeshadow, the eyeliner...all of it? I ask because I know my own limitations, and the proper application of makeup is, I believe, outside of the scope of my shaky hands."

MARITAL TROUBLE

Forum moderator Jerry is on a mission to help a friend: "His wife has had some complications that I don't want to get into which means that he can no longer have intercourse with her....I would love the opportunity to help out a friend if someone has a doll they no longer want, and wish to find a good home for her."

Bless you, Jerry.

HOW NOT TO WARM UP YOUR DOLL

Word to the wise, from "rcoggins" in Conroe: "Be VERRY VERRY carefull with the hand held electric hair dryers, they are not designed for prolonged use. I have had one catch on fire on me after about an hour of [continued] use."

This is only a small sampling of the many topics discussed on this forum. We could go on, but we need to go wash out our eyes with kerosene.
_____________________

DOING IT DAILY

There’s tons of stuff each day on the Houston Press blogs; you’re only getting a taste of it here in the print edition. Head to blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs (or “/rocks” or “/eating” or “/artattack”).

Political Animals

Houston state rep Scott Hochberg may be on the endangered list due to redistricting. We looked at a conservative Texas Tech student group's "affirmative action bake sale," where "faculty, staff, and students of races currently favored by liberal elites, like African-American or Hispanic," got discounted prices. Fun!! UH's Carl Lewis's nascent political career in New Jersey got off to a disastrous start, and even though President Obama released his long-form birth certificate, Texas state rep Leo Berman continued to bring the birther crazy by questioning why there was no plaque on the Hawaii hospital room where Obama was (ALLEGEDLY!!!) born.

Sports

Lance Berkman came to town as a Cardinal, and the Astros' ancient play-by-play radio announcer, Milo Hamilton, heaped on the criticism, which our sports columnists found pretty laughable. We liveblogged the NFL Draft, continued to despair at Astro ineptitude and noted a newspaper report showing that 14 people officially on the roster of Texas A&M's championship women's basketball team are male, exploiting a loophole that lets the college meet its Title IX gender-equality goals.

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4 comments
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David Whitten
David Whitten

Oh, this is rich. When I initially read this article, I thought to myself, "how fucking weird & creepy." Then, I said, what kind of man lives in a world of plastic passion? Then, I got to thinking, "at least these emotionally shallow men won't be treating biological females like an object. So, if you are one of these creepy men, more power to you. Sometimes, the most perverse sexual acts demand the highest price. For instance, if you want a prostitute to shit all over your body, it will cost you! If you have not seen the John Water's movie, "A Dirty Shame (NC-17 version), I strongly recommend this movie, particularly if you have a taste for really strange kinks. Oh, and be sure to watch the interview. The cop has a diaper fetish.

JimH
JimH

There used to be a company on the north sided that rented these lifelike dolls by the hour.

I don't believe that Mike Rowe will ever take on the clean up job for that on cable's DIRTIEST JOBS.

Carringtonc79
Carringtonc79

That would be awesome if you sent in that suggestion!

 
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