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The New Normal

The Texans start operating like a bona fide NFL team.

BYE WEEK PREDICTION: Kareem Jackson decides to combine his three greatest loves — cockfighting, porn conventions and Alabama football — by co-promoting cockfights at a porn convention in the Dominican with Julio Jones. In related news, this will be the closest that Jackson gets to a wide receiver all season.
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Sunday, November 27 — at Jacksonville

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: They're coming off a bye week and heading into a very manageable part of the schedule, with a Thursday night road game in Week 16 against the Colts in Indianapolis the only game that you don't feel great about. There's a decent chance that by this point in the season, Jags head coach Jack Del Rio could look like Bud Fox in Wall Street right after he found out Gordon Gekko was going to dismantle Blue Star Airlines. Rumpled hair, smoky room, shirt unbuttoned, no sleep, empty pizza boxes, drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while he screams at David Garrard, "Step out that door, and I'm changing the locks!"

Arian Foster's hamstring will need to be full strength if the Texans are going to run to daylight.
Aaron M. Sprecher
Arian Foster's hamstring will need to be full strength if the Texans are going to run to daylight.
Mario Williams's becoming more comfortable at linebacker would make everyone happy.
Aaron M. Sprecher
Mario Williams's becoming more comfortable at linebacker would make everyone happy.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Thanksgiving food poisoning. Maybe? Also, they routinely lose in Jacksonville regardless of how good or bad the Jags are.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -1

PREDICTION: Texans 28, Jags 24

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Sunday, December 4 — vs Atlanta

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: If the season is setting up the way I think it will, then this has the potential to be the next in a long line of regular season games that are the "most important game in the history of the franchise." How can the team, the city...how can you NOT get excited about this?

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Because their record in "most important game in the history of the franchise" is roughly 0-25.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Falcons -2.5

PREDICTION: Falcons 34, Texans 24

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER
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Sunday, December 11 — at Cincinnati

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Nice of the league to schedule two cupcakes during the height of the Christmas shopping season. Merry Christmas.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Unless they make all 53 Texans sign a lease with Bengals running back Cedric Benson the night before the game, they won't lose. (Back story: During the lockout, Cedric Benson was arrested for assaulting the ever loving shit out of a former roommate, whose mug shot after the incident looked like Apollo Creed after round one of the Ivan Drago fight. Nice, huh?)

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -6

PREDICTION: Texans 38, Bengals 10

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Sunday, December 18 — vs Carolina

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Like I said, nice of the league to schedule two cupcakes during the height of the Christmas shopping season. Merry Christmas.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: With traffic near the Galleria, there's at least an outside shot some of the players may get trapped at the mall while shopping. I guess that could happen.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -8.5

PREDICTION: Texans 31, Panthers 17

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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Thursday, December 22 — at Indianapolis

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Because in a game that could set up as a de facto AFC South championship game, Gary Kubiak will come in with a fire-and-brimstone speech worthy of the motivational speaking circuit. I'm telling you, a roomful of men being called "kids" will never be more amped up about "goin' back and looking at the film" and "workin' at gettin' better." They will battle, they will fight, they will battlefight. I hope Texans TV is there to capture it.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: You know how when you go from playing beginner level on Madden to all of a sudden playing All-Madden level and the game is so sped up it feels like God altered the space-time continuum? Well, try playing Peyton Manning four days after playing Cam Newton.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Colts -3

PREDICTION: Colts 27, Texans 21

BUCKET RATING: STEAL
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Sunday, January 1 — vs Tennessee

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Death, taxes and Gary Kubiak winning the final home game every season. 5-0 during Kubiak's tenure. Only this time it could mean something.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Because this time it could mean something.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -6.5

PREDICTION: Texans 27, Titans 14

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN
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MUST WIN (7) — vs Oakland, vs Jacksonville, vs Cleveland, @ Jacksonville, @ Cincinnati, vs Carolina, vs Tennessee

I have the Texans clean-sweeping the board on these must-win games, which stands to reason because generally Kubiak-coached teams have been pretty good at beating teams they're supposed to. Also, it's fortunate they didn't cash in their mulligan because...

COIN FLIPPERS (6) — vs Indianapolis, @ Miami, vs Pittsburgh, @ Tennessee, @ Tampa Bay, vs Atlanta ...I have them going 2-4 in coin-flipper games. This means they'll need to do what they didn't do last season — win a "steal" game.

STEALS (3) — @ New Orleans, @ Baltimore, @ Indianapolis

And bingo! I have them 1-2 in these three games. Essentially, the "steal" game in Baltimore in Week 6 is the swing game between 9-7 and 10-6. It's the difference between no playoffs for a decade and Texans football in mid-January.

Did I learn my lesson last year? Apparently not. We're going all in again on 10-6! I believe in you, Texans. But more importantly, #Kubiakbelievesinyou.

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6 comments
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HECTEC
HECTEC

I dont think this article was long enough. On a sidenote, David Carr's wife attends Texans preseason games? with Dan Pastorini?

todd DeMoss
todd DeMoss

as the Lord can attest, from what I witnessed last night, Olsen's hamstring was the least of her worries in terms of what may torn, indeed.

The OSD
The OSD

Is it just me, or does the picture of Mario look like he is a 12 year old girl who just won tickets to a Justin Bieber concert? Great read Sean. Nice pull with the Superman II diner scene.

PeterJakes
PeterJakes

In all fairness, Bree Olson has a very nice hamstring.

Jared
Jared

The annual preseason hype around the Texans might be getting old for some, but I say this: at least there IS legitimate reason to be hyped again, and coming off a 6-10 disaster, that wouldn't normally be easy to say. And unlike last year's "blind faith" experiment, the hype is MUCH more deserved this time around. It's just a matter of taking the sense of urgency that was blatantly obvious this offseason and translating it to the field. This team has 11-12 win talent, but still has a lot to prove.

Of all the must-wins I see them needing the mulligan on, I think @JAX is the one. In fact, I'd switch the Tennessee road game with the Jacksonville road game on the list of coin-flippers. The Titans are better (way better), but EverBank is a haunted house from the deepest bowels of hell from which the Texans never seem to get out alive. And Jake Locker isn't as good as Blaine Gabbert.

I think they win 3 of the coin-flippers, and I do think they'll get a steal or two. Not necessarily because I think they're better than those teams, but even last year, when they lost all 3 steal games, they could have easily won two of them were it not for the horrendous pass defense, which is largely fixed. 11-5 is my overall prediction (with a few bottles of Jack stashed in a special palce just in case).

Early Cuyler
Early Cuyler

If Foster stays healthy, and Kubiak actually uses him for a whole game, I think this may be the year we finally make it to the playoffs. I think everyone knows Kubiak did a horrible job of game management last year. That being said, I have to think there is some kind of personal issue going on between he and Foster. Like the way Tate looked in preseason as a second option.

By the way, did anyone notice if Dan Pastorini is still sitting next to David Carr's wife during every preseason game? I probably would have played poorly here like Carr if I saw that notorious p-hound sitting next to my wife every time I took to the field.

 
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