Turkeys of the Year 2011

We combed through an abundance of riches this year to bring you the best of the worst

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In many ways, the Houston Press's annual Turkeys of the Year competition is like the NFL - although some entrants are more successful than others, and therefore are considered favorites going into each year, there are mechanisms in place to insure parity and a slew of surprise contenders.

In the NFL, it's a salary cap and a socialistic sharing of revenues. With the Turkeys of the Year, it's Houston's never-ending willingness and ability to supply so many damn possibilities.

Rick Perry: There could be no other.
AP Photo/David J. Phillip
Rick Perry: There could be no other.
Even on his way out, Drayton McLane found one last way to screw Astro fans.
Marco Torres
Even on his way out, Drayton McLane found one last way to screw Astro fans.

It is always a difficult job to whittle down nominees, but we took it on yet again. We didn't even include any dumb criminals, because there were so many dumb-criminal cases around these parts they deserve their own separate feature.

You may disagree with some of these, you may intensely dislike some of the winners, but remember: They all are what makes Texas what it is and what makes Houston Houston.

Turkey of the Year:
Rick Perry

THE BIGGEST UPSET SINCE...well, since a guy named Kim won the latest election in North Korea. We admit this isn't the most surprising choice ever, but in our defense, Perry gave us absolutely no choice.

He strolled to yet another gubernatorial victory, despite the fact no one really likes him, because he was running against opponents fatally crippled by being a) an old Washington insider running in a Tea Party year who hadn't known what it was like to break a sweat campaigning for years; and b) a Democrat.

What should have been the most telling thing in the campaign was Perry's refusal to debate. But no one, Perry most of all, picked up on that little omen.

The combination of his win, his matinee looks, tough-guy soundbites and — most importantly — a GOP presidential field that seemed expressly picked by the Democratic National Committee, all led Perry to believe My Moment Is Now.

So he ran for president. And hilarity ensued.

How well do you know your Perhaps-President Perry? Take our ten-question quiz! (Guaranteed to have no multiple-choice questions where we "forget" the third option.)

1. Proud Texas A&M Aggie Perry has what in common with his alma mater's football team this season?

a) Both began as heavily hyped contenders, only to fail miserably

b) Both were killed by self-induced errors

c) Both will return to forever more being relevant only in Texas

d) All of the above

2. After enduring heavy criticism for narcoleptic debate performances, Perry opened up in a Friday-night speech that showed a type of jolliness that, had he been a high school sophomore returning home from a night out, would have had him grounded for two weeks.

What was the cause of his high spirits?

a) Vicodin, and plenty of it. We're talking Brett Favre levels

b) Rebel Yell whiskey, and plenty of it. We're talking Keith Richards levels

c) An oh-so-satisfying combination of a) and c). Again, Richards levels

d) Getting some maple syrup

3. In perhaps his most famous campaign moment, Perry boldly declared he would dismantle three federal agencies and — despite the pressure of not having Obama's TelePrompter — was easily able to name more than 66 percent of those agencies, right off the top of his head.

In eliminating the three agencies he had in mind — and by "had in mind," we mean "eventually came up with later in the debate" — what important federal service would be eliminated?

a) The Debate-Preparation Agency

b) The National Commission on Monitoring Pre-Public Appearance Pain-Medication Use

c) The National Institute Against Winging It

d) The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, which warns people — including Texans — where and when the hell hurricanes will hit.

4. In a soul-baring moment, Perry revealed his tortured thinking over same-sex relationships. How did he do this?

a) By an especially loving look as he called Herman Cain "brother"

b) By spending so much money on hair products

c) By saying "That's fine with me" in regards to New York legalizing gay marriage, then changing his answer a day later to "Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me." Just in case anyone was confused by what he meant with "That's fine with me."

d) By once again showing he didn't know the first thing about preparing for any public interview when you're running for goddamn president

5. "Rick Perry" is to "President" as "Adam Sandler's Jack and Jill" is to:

a) Oscar-winner

b) Comedy greatness

c) All-time box-office champ

d) All of the above

6. Of whom did Perry say, "We would treat him pretty ugly down in Texas"?

a) Osama Bin Laden

b) Any sex-trafficker who stole his workers out of innocent elementary school playgrounds

c) A serial killer

d) A federal bureaucrat whose policy decisions Perry did not agree with

7. What has been the key question to emerge about Perry since he threw his hat in the ring?

a) Why did he throw his hat in the ring?

b) He did realize running for President is slightly different from running for Texas governor against a Democrat, didn't he? Didn't he?

c) Don't they have televised debates in Texas?

d) All of the above

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5 comments
Lan
Lan

I am a 27 years old doctor,mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good man who can give me real love, so i got a sername Andromeda2002 on  Agedate.СòM, a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men, to interact with each other.Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Lan
Lan

I am a 27 years old doctor,mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good man who can give me real love, so i got a sername Andromeda2002 on  Agedate.СòM, a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men, to interact with each other.Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Lan
Lan

I am a 27 years old doctor,mature and beautiful. and now i am seeking a good man who can give me real love, so i got a sername Andromeda2002 on  Agedate.СòM, a nice and free place for younger women and older men,or older women and younger men, to interact with each other.Maybe you wanna check out or tell your friends.

Jrtentlaw
Jrtentlaw

Wow, so according to your "story" someone loses their shirt trying to bring quality shows to Houston and decides to get out of the business and has to cancel a few shows in the process and this is how the Houston Press treats them. No wonder the Houston music scene is the national joke that it is. Instead of going to the source you quote people who refuse to be identified (probably because they are full of shit). Talk about Journalistic integrity..I remember working the door for several of Mike's shows and Houston Press people always begging to get in free. Were they covering the shows? no, they just couldnt be bothered to support their scene. Those who cant do, write.

Gaff in a Head Act
Gaff in a Head Act

OK, I was in the mood for turkey this week, but after reading this, I am sated. Or is that sickened? Nice roundup of a bunch of fowl folks.

 
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