Turkeys of the Year 2011

8. True or false: Perry told the world that Texans like you prefer to elect "the kind of guy who goes jogging in the morning, packing a Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets, and shoots a coyote that is threatening his daughter's dog."

a) True

Barry Sigman

The drought has been messing with our heads for far too long.

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Blog posts:
• Turkeys Of The Year: The Invasion Begins
• Turkeys Of The Year: A History, In Chart Form

Previous Turkeys:
• 2010
• 2009
• 2008
• 2007
• 2006
• 2005
• 2004
• 2003

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b) True, very, very unfortunately

c) False, in a sane world

9. Perry believes America is aching to have another macho-talking Texas cowboy of limited verbal ability who can't think on his feet in a debate setting. Why is this?

a) EVERYONE loves Texas, don't they?

b) Americans don't care about elitist concepts like debatin', bein' coherent or usin' g's.

c) Again, that lovely combination of painkillers and booze

d) Because he thinks if a fake Texan like George W. Bush can get elected President twice, an Aggie from Paint Creek, Texas, sure as hell can

10. Perry tried to use his "oops" debate moment as a fundraiser. Who fell for this gimmick and actually gave money?

a) People who not only drank the Kool-Aid, but are drowning in it

b) People with business before Perry-appointed state committees, not only because they admire the brilliant appointments Perry made to those committees, but also because they really think he can still win. No, really, Governor, we really do...and we just need a little ol' stamp of approval for this project

c) Perry's son. Or at least he would have, if Obama hadn't forced him out of a job with his socialist economy

d) The National Air Polluters of America (Motto: "You Know Who Liked Regulations? Stalin")

Answers: We'll let you figure them out.
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Turkey Sex-Advice Columnist:
Former Hand Doctor Michael Brown

It was seemingly a tough year for former hand doctor Michael Brown, long famous for the heartwarming TV ads featuring him and his family.

Even though he was acquitted of charges he assaulted his latest wife, the trial brought out even more damaging testimony about his ugly ways. That, combined with our reporting of his drug use and abusive, very strange behavior, even as he was the toast of River Oaks society, didn't exactly make it the best of times for the old (former) doctor.

But that's not what has earned him Turkey honors.

Instead, he has won the coveted laurel for his new career: Sex-advice columnist. Court documents include a series of letters he wrote to his newborn daughter, and they are filled with cogent advice for the married gal. We have provided the questions; the answers, complete with Brownian spelling and grammar, are from the Brown letters.

Dear Former Hand Doctor Brown:

I am embarrassed to say it, but my husband suffers from premature ejaculation. Or at least I think he does. I am too bashful to ask anyone about this, but I simply do not know: How long should a good bit of lovemaking last?

Signed,
Unsure

Dear Unsure:

You are wise, not weak, to simply give him his 10 minutes of pleasure. Act like your enjoying it and he'll only take 5 minutes. Then, don't forget to tell him how wonderful he was.

Dear Former Hand Doctor Brown:

I love my husband, but our sex life consists of him watching anime bestiality porn until he gets an erection, then sticking it in me to finish. How can I make him understand I have needs, too?

Signed,
Unsatisfied

Dear Unsatisfied:

During lovemaking, your partner's enjoyment should be your prime concern...not your own.

Dear Former Hand Doctor Brown:

I appear to have had sex with a "cold-hearted bitch." This has resulted in two pregnancies. What words can I use to explain to the two children why it happened?

Signed,
Ineloquent

Dear Ineloquent:

"Sorry, she had a nice ass and I was hard."

Dear Former Hand Doctor Brown:

I love making love with my husband, but I also enjoy the post-coital talk and snuggling, where — in the warm afterglow of a mutually enjoyed manifestation of the physical act of love and union, we share our hopes and dreams in the most intimate way possible. What is the best type of post-sex conversation?

And a follow-up question: What's the single most wrong way to use the word "illicit" if you have a checkered past with the law?

Signed,
Lovetalk

Dear Lovetalk:

If after sex say 20 minutes later the conversation begins with your husband saying "That was great!" rest assured he's not giving you a compliment (though he might want to) but rather he's trying to illicit a compliment from you. If you answer "yes" he's gonna continue fishing and may say "Did you enjoy it?" if you say "I said yes, quit asking" then you are diminishing the value of the just finished love-making.

Former Hand Doctor Michael Brown, Sex Columnist: Syndication rights available.
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Turkey Diplomats:
The Houston Police Department

To: The Houston Police Department

From: China

Re: Your Irrational Attempt to Start World War III

Sirs:

The Chinese are a peace-loving people, but as enemies have learned to their regret through the years, we cannot be pushed beyond our limits.

So we are left to wonder why the Houston Police Department ("HPD") has decided to declare war upon us.