The 2011 Houston Press Crimes of the Year

From a fake vampire to a getaway guy in a wheelchair, a defendant peeing in court to a cop-car backseat blow job, it's been a wild year.

Okay, there's a lot wrong with this picture. First, where was Bensley's cape? We know sartorial standards have slipped since splendidly dapper Count Dracula's day, but boxers, earplugs and that douche-bag V-neck in his mugshot? Come on.

Second, Bensley was obviously no real vampire because he was outside after dawn. Any real vampire would have turned into dust or sparkled or something. And third, when he was being chased by police, he fled on foot instead of changing into a bat and fluttering away, squeaking in maniacal delight.

Bensley was charged with felony burglary with intent to commit assault. Paramedics ruled out drugs as a cause, and a mental health evaluation was ordered.

Gary Kimlmey
Fighting Wife Outside
Domestic-Violence Counseling Session,
Lufkin, Texas
Gary Kimlmey Fighting Wife Outside Domestic-Violence Counseling Session, Lufkin, Texas
Davon Stewart
Eluding Cops While Cuffed To A Wheelchair,
Houston, Texas
Davon Stewart Eluding Cops While Cuffed To A Wheelchair, Houston, Texas


His case has yet to be resolved, but police would do well to remember South Park vampire Butters's admonition in a similar incident: "How can you ground the ungroundable?"


Wrong Proselytizing

What would Jesus do if he hit a youth with His car, asked the kid if he was okay and got "no" for an answer?

If you answered, "Toss him a book about Himself, peel out and haul ass like the Dukes of Hazzard," you are cut from the same religious cloth police say Aida Hillen comes from.

According to court documents, the victim, a Milby High School student, told police he was crossing Broadway near the school on October 14 at around 5:15 p.m. when he was struck by the 58-year-old Hillen's 1996 Honda Accord.

As he struggled to his feet, Hillen, of League City, is alleged to have stopped and asked if he was okay. According to the complaint, when the victim said "No," Hillen tossed him a religious pamphlet and attempted to flee. Another Milby student tried to wave her down, the complaint states, but Hillen only waved "Bye" and kept on driving.

Fortunately this heroic witness was able to scrawl Hillen's license plate number on his arm and waited with the injured victim for police and paramedics to arrive.

The victim was treated by firefighters at the scene and released, but suffered chest pains several days later and visited an emergency room, where he was diagnosed with a bruised rib cage and handed a bill for $730.50.

Meanwhile, using the license plate number, cops tracked down Hillen. The victim later picked her picture out of a photo array. Hillen admits to driving her car down Broadway that day but denies hitting anyone. A felony warrant for her arrest — for accident causing injury — has been issued. She is currently on the run. If you see her 1996 Honda Accord with Texas license plate number 012-RTH, they urge you to call Crime Stoppers at 713-222-TIPS. Your call can remain anonymous.

Wrong Robbing

You know that old saying: You rob banks because that's where the money is. Evidently Lavelle Hopkins of Hughes Springs never availed himself of that wisdom. How else can you explain the crime he stands accused of committing?

Simply put, police in the East Texas town of Daingerfield say that Hopkins held up the town's public library. That's right. The freaking library.

Omar Little wept.

According to previous reports, this epic gangsta move went down like this: Right after the library opened, the suspect came in and asked for computer privileges. Earlene Walton, a 23-year-veteran librarian, signed him in and allowed him to use one, even though, and this may come as a surprise, Hopkins did not possess a library card.

That was when the suspect told Walton that he had left something in his car and would be right back. Lavelle comin', yo!

Turns out that something was a pistol, which the suspect pointed at Walton's face. The suspect then snatched a jar marked "Friends of the Daingerfield Library" that reportedly contained less than $100 and fled. He was arrested later the same day and charged with aggravated robbery, a first-degree felony punishable by anything from five years to life in prison.

Wrong Robbing, Part Two

The three-man, one-woman robbery crew certainly dressed the part. Despite the scorching July heat, each of them went to the BancorpSouth in Alto, Texas, dressed head-to-toe in long-sleeved black attire. At least two of them were armed with pistols, according to police, and they took along a black bag to put the money in and a two-way radio capable of monitoring multiple law-enforcement frequencies in both Anderson and Cherokee counties. They had even noted that Alto had recently furloughed its entire police force in a desperate measure to save money. So you can't say Channing Nicole Johnson, Evandreal Simpson, Mujibur Shaw and Carl Kelly stinted on planning the execution of their heist. If only they had delved as deeply into the logistics. Amazingly, none of them took note that the bank closed early on Wednesday afternoons, which, unfortunately for them, was when they hoped to rob it.

Employees inside the bank called police after they saw two of the men try to open the door with what had to be mounting frustration. Eventually the two men ran away and got in a Dodge truck with the other two members of the crew and then the quartet fled the scene. After a short car chase with police from several nearby jurisdictions, they were arrested and charged with aggravated robbery, engaging in organized criminal activity, tampering with physical evidence and evading arrest. Bonds for the foursome totaled more than one million dollars.

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@Ratinal Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal...It’s hard to believe that my co-worker's half-sister makes $86 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 7 months but last month her check was $7871 while working on the internet for a few hours a day. For more visit this site...


@starxyz classmate's mom makes $79/hr on the internet. She has been without a job for 8 months but last month her paycheck was $7695 just working on the internet for a few hours. Here's the site to read more LazyCash4. com


Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal

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Quality shit all year Lomax, right up until the very end. Kudos sir- can't wait to see what get's dropped on us for 2012.


Excellent recap, Mr. Lomax. This is a supply of funny to last us into March 2012 at least.

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