The 2011 Houston Press Crimes of the Year

From a fake vampire to a getaway guy in a wheelchair, a defendant peeing in court to a cop-car backseat blow job, it's been a wild year.

Wrong Traffic Court Defense

Going to traffic court sucks, even if you walk away with a dismissal. When you lose your case, it's even worse, and it's the mother of all bummers if the violation you were charged with was kinda BS to begin with.

That was just what happened to Bruce Charles Rhodes in Dickinson Municipal Court in July. The 29-year-old Alvin man was convicted of cutting through a convenience store parking lot to bypass a busy intersection and fined $105 and court costs by Judge Richard Cope.

Tina Marie Arie
Attempted Fellatio While In Police Custody,
New Caney, Texas
Tina Marie Arie Attempted Fellatio While In Police Custody, New Caney, Texas


We could forgive Rhodes a little anger there, maybe some eye-rolling, a heavy sigh, some cussing under his breath. That, however, is not the way Rhodes rolls. He reportedly groused long and loudly about the decision, saying he was broke and that it was a joke. Cope threatened to find Rhodes in contempt, but the angry Alvinite with the lopsided beehive was just getting started. He threw the judge a hearty "Fuck you!" and said he was going to forsake America and join Al Qaeda.

Cope responding by piling another $95 onto Osama bin Rhodes's original fine, whereupon the would-be terrorist cackled. By then, Dickinson cops had moved in, but Rhodes was far from finished expressing himself. As Rhodes attempted to make his getaway from the court's foyer, he allegedly kicked one of the cops in the nuts, whereupon he was subdued and taken to jail, newly charged with felony assault on a public servant. Even then there was plenty of fight left in Rhodes's dollar-menu jihad. He had to be restrained for his own safety in the jail, but that apparently didn't stop him from threatening serious bodily harm on a female jailer. Bingo, felony number two: terroristic threat against a public servant.

Which has nothing to do with threatening to become a terrorist, by the way.

Wrong Criminal Defense

Seventeen-year-old Corey Webb was already in a heap of crap when he entered the Tyler courtroom of District Judge Kerry Russell. He was accused of shooting at a peace officer during an escape attempt from juvenile hall. And to say that his courtroom demeanor did not enhance his good standing in the community is a monumental understatement.

First he mumbled loudly and distractingly through much of the testimony, drawing a reprimand from Russell. Then he petulantly demanded to know if he could fire his lawyer. And then, there came his most eloquent statement yet.

After a woman's testimony, Russell dismissed the court for lunch. Just as the jury was being ushered out, Webb unbuckled his pants, strode over to a trash can and pissed in it.

A no-doubt shocked Judge Russell soon recovered enough judicial gravitas to thunder down this historic pronouncement from the bench: "I don't know how you were raised, but peeing in a trash can in a state district courtroom is inappropriate behavior."

After the break, Webb entered a guilty pee plea on the original charge. During the punishment hearing, at which Webb received a 50-year sentence, Judge Russell made sure to include a bathroom break. "I'm not about to have another episode like we did during the jury trial," he said.


Like My Status, Or I'll Break Your Face

It was a sad summer for Benito Apolinar. First, he and his wife Dolores separated after 15 years of marriage, and she took the kids from their home in Pecos, Texas, and moved them across the state line to Carlsbad, New Mexico. Benito, 36, had moved in with her a little later in an effort to try to patch things up.

And then came the anniversary of the death of Benito's mother. He posted notice of that grim occasion on his Facebook wall, and many of his friends paid their respects.

Not among those liking Benito's remembrance: Dolores Apolinar. Among those not liking that she didn't like that: Benito Apolinar. According to the Carlsbad Argus, police say he showed up at the house drunk, demanding to know why she had not liked his post, saying that it was "amazing [how] everyone 'likes' my status but you, you're my wife. You should be the first one to 'like' my status."

As she was under house arrest at the time (details on this never came to light) and feared the trouble that was looming, Dolores would not at first let him and his Facebook grievances in. Eventually, however, Benito gained entry, things got physical and when the dust had settled, Benito was arrested and charged with battery on a household member. He has pleaded not guilty.

High-Tech Nitwits, and a High-Tech Genius

Newfangled gadgets led to the self-induced downfalls of a horde of criminals this year. There were several men whose kiddy porn collections were uncovered when they either pawned their computers or took them in for repairs. There was the man busted developing his kiddy porn photos at a Walmart kiosk, and a woman who used a stolen credit card to pay for the photo on her Sam's Club card. A couple of guys unintentionally filmed themselves installing cameras in women's bathrooms and dressing rooms. And teacher after teacher after teacher went down in sex scandals, their statutory rapes uncovered by byte after byte of steamy texts and spicy pics left on their victims' cellphones and in their inboxes.

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@Ratinal Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal...It’s hard to believe that my co-worker's half-sister makes $86 hourly on the internet. She has been out of work for 7 months but last month her check was $7871 while working on the internet for a few hours a day. For more visit this site...


@starxyz classmate's mom makes $79/hr on the internet. She has been without a job for 8 months but last month her paycheck was $7695 just working on the internet for a few hours. Here's the site to read more LazyCash4. com


Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal

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Quality shit all year Lomax, right up until the very end. Kudos sir- can't wait to see what get's dropped on us for 2012.


Excellent recap, Mr. Lomax. This is a supply of funny to last us into March 2012 at least.

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