The 2011 Houston Press Crimes of the Year

From a fake vampire to a getaway guy in a wheelchair, a defendant peeing in court to a cop-car backseat blow job, it's been a wild year.

But one unnamed Montgomery County man used his cellphone to save himself from years behind bars. This fall, two sheriff's deputies reported to an apartment in response to a sexual assault call. "The alleged victim stated to the deputies that her 26-year-old male friend had sexually assaulted her," the report stated. And there was the alleged perp right there. It looked like an easy collar for the boys in blue.

Turns out it would be an easy collar, only it wouldn't be the man going to jail. As the report put it, "Upon further investigation the deputies watched a video recording the male had made that showed the female telling him that she was calling the police because he was making her leave the apartment and she would tell the police he assaulted her."

Epic cry rape fail. The woman, whose name never surfaced, was arrested and charged with making a false report. As the Houston Press's Richard Connelly put it in his report, the scenario leaves us with a few puzzlers, namely, since this was a romantic relationship, how did the woman come to believe that falsely accusing her boyfriend of rape would enhance their romance? How long did the guy let the whole rape thing play out with the cops, knowing full well he had the smoking gun in his pocket? How worried must he have been that he somehow forgot to hit "record," or that the camera had malfunctioned? And the eternal question Connelly posed: "Once again, a villain is foiled by blabbing about his or her evil intent. Will they ever learn?"

Klyle Monroe Bensley
Attempted Bloodsucking,
Galveston, Texas
Klyle Monroe Bensley Attempted Bloodsucking, Galveston, Texas
Bruce Charles Rhodes
Aggravated Courtroom Theatrics,
Dickinson, Texas
Bruce Charles Rhodes Aggravated Courtroom Theatrics, Dickinson, Texas


Unlike the rain on Alanis Morissette's wedding day, this really was ironic...

Lufkin police arrested a couple on charges of assault-family violence after a cop spotted them smacking, clawing and tussling with each other outside the Angelina County Courthouse. This combat was a culmination of a verbal altercation that had begun inside the courthouse — at a family-violence counseling session.

This latest domestic violence arrest is 57-year-old Garry Paul Kimmey's third since May. This arrest was 60-year-old Margaret Kimmey's first for this offense.

Anonymous Lufkin Mayhem, in Twitter-Sized Chunklets

Speaking of Lufkin, the Daily News, the leading information source in the Piney Woods metropolis, has one of the finest police blotters in the state. Here are a few of our favorite mini-stories they published this year:

February 1, 2011: A man reported being hit in the groin with an ottoman after a woman kicked it in his direction.

May 1, 2011: Two pregnant sisters began having an argument that escalated into a food fight on Gobblers Knob Road, their mother told Lufkin police. During the food fight, one daughter punched the other in the stomach, the mom said. The other daughter then sprayed her sister with mace, according to the police report.

March 27, 2011: A woman reported that while at her boyfriend's son's Little League game, she and her boyfriend's ex-wife got into an argument in the 600 block of Windsor Court over the possession of the boy's home run ball. The ex-wife assaulted her by pushing her up against a fence, according to a Lufkin Police report.

June 30, 2011: A man reported that his future mother-in-law told him during a phone conversation, "I'm going to kill you."


Mortal Kombat Re-enacted on Aldine Mail Route

One of the strangest melees we've ever encountered started on August 21 on north Houston's Aldine Mail Route. That's where Deborah Minton and Diane Rocha were whiling away a pleasant afternoon, the peace of which was soon shattered when a white F-150 truck pulled up and disgorged two women on a mission: Deborah Minton's daughter Robin Minton and Consuelo "Connie" Shaukat, Deborah Minton's son's girlfriend. The two women believed that Rocha had reported them to CPS for allowing their teenaged children to smoke weed with them, and they wanted vengeance.

Mama Minton told Rocha to go inside, and said that she would handle her daughter and Shaukat. She ordered the angry duo to leave, but they shoved her, barged inside, and the younger Minton shoved her mother up against a wall and held her there while Shaukat pursued Rocha, who fled into a bedroom and locked the door. From her refuge, Rocha could still hear the ruckus coming from the hallway, and she cracked the door to peek. She said that she saw Minton restraining her mother while Shaukat was yelling threats directed at her. Shaukat then allegedly tried and failed to kick down the door, but left, saying that soon enough vengeance would be hers.

Round two of this soon-to-be epic death match came on Saturday, September 3. Robin Minton and Connie Shaukat were back on the warpath, this time bringing three men with them: Connie's ex-husband, Pakistani immigrant Adnan Shaukat, and two as-yet-unidentified accomplices.

And this is where it starts to get weird.

According to married couple Paul and Kimberly Ryals, they had just finished swimming in their pool at their north Houston home when they heard dogs barking. Kimberly Ryals says she looked out the window and saw Connie (a friend of a former employee of hers) and Robin (the sister of a former employee of hers) scaling her chain-link fence.

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Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal

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Quality shit all year Lomax, right up until the very end. Kudos sir- can't wait to see what get's dropped on us for 2012.


Excellent recap, Mr. Lomax. This is a supply of funny to last us into March 2012 at least.

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