The 2011 Houston Press Crimes of the Year

From a fake vampire to a getaway guy in a wheelchair, a defendant peeing in court to a cop-car backseat blow job, it's been a wild year.

And was almost immediately run over by a Dodge Durango.

Stewart's left leg was substantially injured, so an ambulance whisked him off to Memorial Hermann Southwest. Police questioned him there and he gave them a fake name, under which he was initially placed under arrest for aggravated assault. A cop handcuffed him to a wheelchair and asked another cop to watch him while he completed some paperwork on the case.

Stewart was wheeled off for an X-ray, but while waiting in line, he instead cruised off into the night, still cuffed to his chair. Meanwhile, the two cops on the scene had learned his real name. One of the arresting officers eventually picked Stewart out of a photo array, and while he remained a fugitive for several weeks, and presumably got uncuffed at some point, he was picked up in March.

Klyle Monroe Bensley
Attempted Bloodsucking,
Galveston, Texas
Klyle Monroe Bensley Attempted Bloodsucking, Galveston, Texas
Bruce Charles Rhodes
Aggravated Courtroom Theatrics,
Dickinson, Texas
Bruce Charles Rhodes Aggravated Courtroom Theatrics, Dickinson, Texas


In April, Stewart was convicted of felony aggravated assault and given four years' deferred adjudication. The felony escape charge cops had tacked on was dismissed after he was convicted for the assault.

The Cop-Car Hummer Heard 'Round the World

It sounded like a humdrum call for the Montgomery County Precinct 4 constable: an intoxicated male passed out inside a Whataburger in Porter. Ho hum. Zonking out in and around Whataburgers is a venerable Lone Star State tradition, as Texan as a March vista of bluebonnets and live oaks and rolling Brazos Valley hills.

But this case turned out at first to be a little something more, and then, before it was over, the kind of tale the cop will be telling in barrooms for the rest of his life.

On rolling up to the Whataburger at around 2 p.m., the cop found 30-year-old Howard Keith Windham of New Caney at a table inside. While his friend, 44-year-old Tina Marie Arie of Porter, looked on, Windham was smacking around an unidentified passed-out buddy, who was allegedly slumbering away a pill-induced stupor.

The cop soon found that the sleeping man's pockets were brimming over with dozens of Soma and hydrocodone pills, and the cop stated that he saw Windham drop another Soma pill under the table. Arie then admitted that she had shared some of her stash with Rip Van Whataburger, and the cop soon found a few partially empty pill bottles in her car.

Sleeping Beauty was whisked away to an area hospital, and both Windham and Arie were popped for the pills. Both were cuffed and stuffed in the back of his patrol car.

En route, the cop glanced in his rearview mirror and noticed some unusual movements. On further examination, he realized he could no longer see Arie's frizzy-haired head. He asked if she was all right, and after what we imagine had to be a little pause, and perhaps a gulp or two, she replied that she was tired and had laid her head down in Windham's lap.

Which was partially true. Her head was in Windham's lap, but not because she was tired. As the police report put it, "Windham's pants were unfastened and Arie was servicing his exposed genitalia." Yep, that's what they call a "blue-light special."

The cop told the lovebirds to behave and took them on to jail without filing any extra charges.

Our reporting of what was originally the Montgomery County Police Reporter's story helped break it worldwide. In the days that followed, news of this cop-car hummer spanned the globe. The Dutch headlined their account "Woman Sucks in Police Car." The Danes called Arie, who was frequently compared to Houdini, "energetic." The Chinese called the blow job a "bold act of arrogance."

Well, now, wait a minute. That's a little harsh. It makes it sound like she was conducting naval maneuvers off the Taiwanese coast or something. For us, it was simply the Houston Press Crime of the Year.

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Typical accept it usually a cop being serviced especially sheriffs.cop criminal

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Quality shit all year Lomax, right up until the very end. Kudos sir- can't wait to see what get's dropped on us for 2012.


Excellent recap, Mr. Lomax. This is a supply of funny to last us into March 2012 at least.

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