Texas vs Florida

Florida: Dildo Disaster

When Jantavia Taylor and her live-in girlfriend got into a fight, Taylor grabbed the closest weapon at hand: A strap-on dildo. Police arrested the 21-year-old after she'd chased 23-year-old Tamara Cadet around the house and chucked the fake willy so hard cops later found it in a neighbor's yard.

Texas: Head of the Class

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INTERACTIVE GRAPHIC: Texas vs Florida

Speaking of Whataburger, a cop in a Houston suburb was called out to one to investigate some characters who were behaving oddly. Specifically, one dude was smacking his passed-out buddy around in an effort to wake him up from a pill-induced stupor. Turns out both guys had been given pills by their friend Tina Marie Arie. While the sleeping dude went to the hospital, Arie and the other guy were put in a cop car and pointed toward jail. En route, the handcuffed Arie managed to somehow work the guy's pants down and try to blow him right there in the backseat.

Ruling: Lesbian attacks involving strap-on dildos made this country what it is today — namely, a gold mine for reality TV series. But Tina Marie Arie managed to turn a garden-variety drug pinch into so much more with her back-of-the-squad-car blow job. This is exactly what Mitt Romney's talking about when he speaks of encouraging American enterprise.

Winner: Texas.

REDNECKERY

Florida: Shootin' at Mowers

Mark Tomas Wach was just livin' the redneck dream when cops showed up: Drunk in the middle of the afternoon, he was firing a gun at his lawn mower. The trouble started when he hit his 18-year-old son's nearby house, then got into a fistfight with the kid, screamed that his mom never paid child support, and eventually pointed the gun at his progeny. He explained it all to police this way: "Fighting is what redneck people do!"

Texas: Pro-Pain

Thanks to Hank Hill, Texas is famous for its love of propane and propane accessories, and one East Texas man did his best to perpetuate the stereotype. Police say he lashed a torpedo-sized propane tank he found in someone's yard to the bumper of his truck, and drove off down the highway, dragging it behind him and showering all around him with sparks. Did we mention the tank was full, and could have exploded at any second?

Ruling: Towing a full propane tank down a highway is a great opener, but the story fails to advance when it includes no mention of explosions, wacky meth bender hijinks or intercourse with farm animals. Florida closer adheres to what we expect from the redneck genre. We're treated to a full selection of idle drunkenness, shot-up lawn mowers, complaints about child support, intra-family wrestling over loaded weaponry, dad pointing a shotgun at his son, plus some homespun white trashian quippery to conclude this lighthearted family drama. Expect it to be a big winner at Sundance this year.

Winner: Florida.

ANIMAL HUSBANDRY

Florida: To Fingerbang a Chihuahua

Do not insert your digit into your roommate's chihuahua. Just don't! If you do, don't drunkenly pass out without pants next to the whimpering animal. Tomas Bautista learned none of these lessons, and ended up serving almost a year in jail. For fingerbanging a three-year-old mix named Mimi.

Texas: Just Horsing Around...

After finding evidence of barnyard shenanigans, a South Texas rancher set up a surveillance camera to watch over her mares. Not long after, she captured footage of Cirilo Castillo coming in and lashing one of these animals to a fence, hobbling its back legs (to protect his nuts from flying hooves) and bonking it. After she took the video to police, another rancher came forth saying Castillo had been shagging his mares, too.

Ruling: Reading either story may cause retinal damage. But passing out in your yard without your pants after digitally penetrating a dog that very likely owns a sweater is just way too depraved. This is probably a good time to break so everyone can take a shower. We'll reconvene in 30 minutes.

Winner: Florida.

COURTROOM SHENANIGANS

Florida: How to Make Crack

Fashion shifts so quickly these days that it's tough to decide what's appropriate for a drug-trafficking court date. Suit and tie? Nice polo? How about a sweatshirt printed with explicit, graphic instructions on how to cook crack cocaine? In hindsight, a Broward man's choice of threads was probably an all-seasons faux pas.

Texas: Defendant, Please Enter your Pee

Corey Webb's trial already wasn't going well when the judge called for a break in the proceedings. Things got even worse when the young man got up from the defense table, walked across the courtroom and pissed in a trash can. He wound up getting 60 years for the original offense, and the judge made sure to call for a bathroom break during his sentencing.

Ruling: Perhaps our 17-year-old hero was making a metaphorical statement on the fallibility of justice. Perhaps he just really, really had to pee, and was unaware of the advent of indoor restrooms. Either way, we salute yet another distinguished product of the vaunted Texas educational system!

Winner: Texas.

INEPT ROOBBERS

Florida: A Christmas Miracle

Tiny baby Jesus commanded us to remember his birth with elaborate inflatable Santas on our lawns — but all that Xmas swag ain't cheap! So two Sweetwater women celebrated the season by stealing $500 of decorations from a neighbor. Their scheme failed, though, because they lived just a block away, and the victim called the cops when she spotted her decorations on their lawn. Jesus wept.

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