Texas vs Florida

Texas: Gimme Back My Fines, Bitch

Lavelle Hopkins is no Omar Little. You can tell because this is a man who has no code to speak of, a guy who makes no distinctions between those in the game and those who are not. How else can you explain why he would stick up a small-town public library for a jar of donations containing less than $100?

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INTERACTIVE GRAPHIC: Texas vs Florida

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More About

• Tina Marie Arie
• Cookie Ray
• Terry Kimball
• Gregory Chambers
• Jason Merksamer

Ruling: Robbing a library is so passé it's no longer even taught at the freshmen level of most trade schools. (What, you couldn't even find a dry cleaner?) Compare this to the theft of Mickey Mouse, Snoopy and some "hugging penguins," and there's little doubt which criminal has a better chance of someday being featured on an episode of Law & Order: Various Holiday Decorations Unit. Winner: Florida.

POOP CRIMES

Florida: Fecal Bandits

Two liquored-up St. Petersburg teens decided to enjoy the fading days of August the only way they knew how: By sneaking into the fanciest hotel in town, diving into the pool and spreading their own shit like Kandinsky. The kids were quickly arrested lounging in the hot tub; surveillance footage showed them flinging feces all over the pool and smearing a giant X on the bottom. They were charged with felony burglary.

Texas: Shitstain Chapel

Gregory Chambers had a beef with the Wendy's on Galveston's Seawall, so he decided he would get even by smearing its windows and doors with poop again and again and again. Not just any old feces would do, this was always his own poop. So often did he smear the joint in shit, the morning shift finally persuaded the cops to stake the place out. They didn't have to wait long — they nabbed Chambers on their very first night on the job, and discovered that he was a part-time employee whose sister was the manager.

Ruling: Any act of defecation against something called the "Renaissance Vinoy Resort & Golf Club" is surely a blow against one of the great enemies of America: businesspeople who give their joints really pretentious names. But Gregory Chambers one-ups our teen assailants by busting out some fecal artistry on his place of employ, Wendy's. If this were Brooklyn, not Galveston, he'd be celebrated as one of the emerging abstract philosophers of our time.

Winner: Texas.

KEYSTONE COPS

Florida: Bachelorette Night

Bad idea: Hitting up a bar while on duty as a Miami Beach cop to drink and dance at a bachelorette party. Worse idea: Mugging for photos with the coeds. Very worst idea: Drunkenly taking bachelorette on an early-morning ATV beach ride, then running over and nearly killing tourists on the sand.

Texas: China Sends Cops to HPD, HPD Sends Chinese to Hospital

It was supposed to be a special treat for the visiting Chinese dignitaries: a ride-along with Houston's finest as they conducted stuntman-style high-speed maneuvers in their patrol cars. It turned into a nightmare and something of a minor international incident when at least two of the cars collided, sending five dignitaries and two cops to a nearby hospital.

Ruling: You say you have a job that involves scamming overtime, getting hammered at bachelorette parties, then recklessly ramming tourists with your ATV on the beach? As a public service, this story really should have included an employment application. Winner: Florida.

Final Score:

Florida 6, Texas 5.

Lost by a nose.

We'll be back next year for a rematch.