By Kaitlin Steinberg
By Minh T Truong
By Molly Dunn
By Brooke Viggiano
By Kaitlin Steinberg
By Molly Dunn
By Molly Dunn
By Eating Our Words
3. Biscuits and gravy
"So...let me get this straight. They're eating one type of flour and lard poured atop another version of flour and lard. White flour. Processed, bleached, white flour. With grease mixed in. You have got to be kidding me. Ban."
2. Breakfast tacos
"I...I don't even...Eggs? Inside a tortilla? With sausage so greasy that it's a shade of orange found nowhere else in nature? Grease that saturates through the actual — ugh — tortilla and drips out the sides while you eat it? These people are eating pure fat and cholesterol again, for breakfast, again. Ban."
1. Everclear-based margaritas
"I'm pretty sure this is what the kids have been soaking tampons in to get drunk faster. Ban."
You Win Some, You Dim Sum
A first-timer's guide to eating dim sum.BY SAPNA PATEL
What's not to like about simmering hot tea, savory, steamed gow gee and marinated chicken feet? Dining without adventure is no fun. If you're looking for an authentic Chinese culinary experience — or even a fat-filled, fried hangover brunch — the wild west of dim sum has you covered.
For the inexperienced, dim sum can prove daunting and leave you hungry and confused. Without further ado, here's a step-by-step guide to perfecting the flavorful art of this ancient Chinese tradition.
10. Timing Is Everything: Who knew? Apparently, dim sum, that age-old tradition started in the teahouses that dotted China's famous Silk Road, inconveniently is available at different times depending upon your location of choice. Some stop the cart at 3 p.m., and others stop as late as 8 p.m. Before heading out, check to be sure the light is on. The most popular time for dim sum seems to be the American Sunday, when sons, daughters, parents, toddlers, grannies and friends crowd into lobbies and seats like it's Easter. But the upside is that the cray-cray ambience provides a boisterous, lively, loud, happy family-style dining experience that fills your heart and belly.
9. Take an Experienced Guide: You don't know how to order, you don't now what to order, the cart driver can't hear you and doesn't even understand you when he does. Dim sum is way easier if you go with someone who knows the difference between pork siu mai and pork fun gwar, knows not to look into the teapot to find mysterious, brown, floaty bits and who, preferably, speaks Cantonese. Take an experienced guide or you'll be confused and starving when you exit.
8. The Group of Four: A dim sum menu has about one gazillion possible dishes to choose from, and there's often at least 12 different carts boasting various delicacies and dessert. For some reason, when one of them stops, you lose your damn mind and believe to your core that you want one of everything you see. There's something about food being delivered and presented to you that makes you feel you must devour it or suffer FOMO (fear of missing out). Let's be honest. You cannot eat two dried shrimp dumplings, one bean-curd roll, four stuffed crab claws, steamed beef tripe, cheung fun rice doodle...and Rainbow Jell-O. Bringing a larger group ensures you can try many dishes yet surreptitiously ignore the taro root pudding cake you excitedly demanded and no longer desire. Dim sum remains family-style, with shared plates, so someone else will inevitably eat it.
7. Tea at Your Service: Back in the day, dim sum was served in teahouses, where sipping this hot beverage served as the main attraction — known as the tradition of yum cha, or tea tasting. Today, infinite pots of steaming brown tea are still part of the experience, and you'd be remiss not to indulge in a cup or two. Flavors such as chrysanthemum, green or Black Dragon will relax your senses and spirit as you embark on the sometimes harrowing experience that is dim sum. Again, just don't look inside the pot, as your stomach may churn at the bits circling inside.
6. The Special Sauce: It's red, it's brown, it's crusty and spicy. Soy sauce, vinegar and chile oil. Mixed together, it looks like the ooze of a car accident, but its delectable juice soaking through your shrimp rice noodle or staining your barbecue pork bun is like a warm firecracker of flavor in your mouth. Salty, tangy, greasy and hot, this magic sauce is to be made and created by you yourself on those teeny little appetizer plates. If etiquette is not your thing and you blasphemously refuse the tea, that white ceramic teacup sans handle can serve as your mixing bowl for sauce. And, no, skinny bitches, the waiter will not provide you low-sodium soy sauce. But he will serve you a brusque "no" and a nice, big eye roll.
5. Yes Means No, No Means Yes, and...Sometimes You Might Have to Go Get Your Own Damn Calamari: In keeping with the whole rich, authentic experience, what you say will be lost in translation, even when, sometimes, all you want is a Coke. If you don't recognize what's on the tray, there is no dictionary, no phone-a-friend. You might order something you're allergic to, and don't even ask what does not have meat in it. Egos and hesitation aside, you will occasionally have to get up out of your seat and hunt down the fresh fried squid when, after four requests and the receipt of your bill, you still haven't received your favorite dish. But, hell, it's part of the fun, and anyway, you need to work off the pint of saturated fat already consumed.