By Kaitlin Steinberg
By Minh T Truong
By Molly Dunn
By Brooke Viggiano
By Kaitlin Steinberg
By Molly Dunn
By Molly Dunn
By Eating Our Words
We've been lamenting the discontinued food items that were sadistically ripped from our lives and our stomachs by the soulless monster that is corporate America. It's a cruel, cruel world out there, even for that staple on every fast-food joint menu: the side.
So grab a box of tissues, pour yourself a glass of Scotch and get ready to wallow in misery as we take a look at the top five sides we want back.
5. The Original Domino's Cheesy Bread
Once upon a time, Domino's Cheesy Bread was the perfect start to a mediocre meal: a chewy, moist blob of dough topped with a mixture of greasy, tangy cheddar and gooey yet crisp mozzarella served alongside thick, sugary marinara. It lived a charitable life, bringing joy and happiness to millions of drunk people across the world.
But then one day, Gluttony knocked on Domino's door and was all like, "Hey, I don't think there's enough cheese on there, bro. Let's stuff the shit that we just topped with a ton of cheese with more cheese and make it so that you can't even tell it's bread anymore. Right? It'll be awesome. It'll be like, you just got stuffed! While we're at it, let's start serving pasta stuffed inside bread, too, brah. Let's just stuff everything."
Look at us, Domino's. Does it look to you like we need more cheese? Does it!?
4. McDonald's Salad Shakers
It was a salad...in a cup! Just drizzle on your dressing, shake and eat. All of the lettuce leaves were coated, the salad was tossed well and pretty much everything was right with the world.
And how easy was that, really? So easy...
...almost too easy, though, right, Ronald?
It was just sooo incredibly friggin' simple and convenient that you had to pry it away from our greedy little fingers and force us to use forks again. You guys just poured the salad straight from the cup into your mouths, too, right? No?
3. Wendy's Super Bar
In case you wanted a side salad, beef tacos and spaghetti alfredo with your Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger (and who'd wouldn't?), Wendy's offered its guests the super-classy Superbar for only $2.99.
The ultra-swank buffet bar came with three sections:
The Garden Spot: Where one could get their fill of (fresh?) lettuce, carrots, croutons and cherry tomatoes to complete the world's most standard side salad.
The Mexican Fiesta: Where one could then top said side salad with ground beef, sour cream and cheese or make a soft taco with all of the above, plus refried beans.
And finally, the ingeniously named...
Pasta Pasta station: Where one would then top a beef taco and refried bean salad with marinara, dunk a breadstick in cream sauce and toss it all together with some spaghetti (just kidding...or am I?).
Sound good? Hell, no — it just sounds wrong! But there was just something about the Super Bar that was so, so right.
2. Burger King's Cheesy Tots
This one's a killer. It's heart-wrenching, really. The Cheesy Tot was a cheery young lad, a tater tot mixed with gooey cheese and deep-fried until crisp and golden-brown. It lived a peaceful life, harmoniously coexisting with both the regular and the breakfast menu.
And then (duhn, duhn, duhn), out of nowhere, the tot was taken.
Hysteria ensued, and the people immediately took to the message boards, with posts ranging from utter devastation, anger and confusion to a full-on U.S. government conspiracy theory.
We'll let the boards speak for themselves:
"This is a travesty...PLEASE bring them back!!" — Totlover112
"Man when i found out that bk had discontinued the cheesy tots i was so blah, it was like a slap on the face..." — Damian.
"It's the end of the world as we know it!" — cheesy sadness
"The day I went thru the drive thru and was told they were no longer being offered, I literally cried." — shi5782
"They make me feel better when im blue. You can put them in your sandwiches and its delicious. Im sooo sad. — Bryan_<3_cheesy_tots</i>
"I don't understand why. " — RIPcheesytots
"I refuse too eat at burger king untill they bring back the tots of delicious cheesiness ...IM ON STRIKE U HEAR ME KING????" — blueeyez
"this is only the first step on the path. Soon, the government will control everything we are allowed to eat, drink, smoke, etc. We are all too 'dumb' to think for ourselves, hence the government feels it must do it for us! It WILL get worse." — MsChef
Now that paranoia has kicked in, it's time to move on to our No. 1 Please God Bring This To Us Again Side Item...
1. McDonald's Fried Apple Pies
Revamped Happy Meals, saying goodbye to the Super Size, trans fat-free fries — great! We appreciate the effort for "healthier" options, McDonald's, we really do.
But our pies? Our beloved Deep Fried Pies? Why, McDonald's? Why?
The baked pie is just a sadder version of its former self, its crisp, flaky, greasy crust now transformed into a dry, crumbly dough, making a mockery of the chain's signature thick and gooey apple cinnamon filling.