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Bring 'Em Back

The 5 fast-food sides we miss most.

Now for the real science: How does it hold up as a hangover cure? I've broken it down to a score based on a patented formula using fat content, comfort food factor and shear ludicrousnessitude of ingredients, along with several other undisclosed but highly scientific measures. Also factored in: bonus points I made up because I felt like it.

Hangover dissipation quotient: 8.1

The Hangover Burger has all four major drunken food groups: beef, bacon, gravy and self-loathing. A hangover food champion for sure.

Bonus jaw damage points : 1.2

Unless you have a background in porn or have a jaw like those vampires in Blade II (shout-out to the three people reading this who've seen Blade II), the pain in your jaw after you finish is going to make you forget all about the jackhammer going on in your head.

Soundtrack points: -.5

I love Hubcap's very well-curated jukebox, I really do, but Mötley Crüe and The Cult aren't doing anything for my pounding head. And stop looking at me so loud while you're at it. Fuck.

Overall score: 8.8

A strong score, to be sure. The Hangover Burger is enough to cure the hangover you earned while drinking to forget you saw The Hangover 2. But is it enough to top...

Hangover Mac and Cheese from Jus' Mac

This order of Mac and Cheese poses a dilemma. It's ugly. If your morning delirium tremens is making you particularly queasy, the Hangover Mac and Cheese may be a no-go for you. Once you get over the fact that it looks a bit like dog-food casserole, it's an awesome meal. Not all of Jus' Mac's specialty menu items are winners; some are just abominations to the holy name of Mac and Cheese.

The Hangover, however, is Jus' Mac's crown jewel. It starts with the standard mac and cheese interspersed with bacon and served in a small, personal-size cast-iron skillet. Throw in some hash browns with sautéed onions and tomatoes for a diced and smothered nod to Waffle House. Then, keeping with the theme of really overdoing things, it's topped with a fried egg, jalapeños and a house-made green habanero salsa. The habanero salsa is completely uncalled for here, and it's pitch-perfect.

On to the scorers' table:

Hangover Cure Quotient: 8.4

This cream and carbohydrate train-wreck has a high shovelability factor, an importance I cannot overemphasize. You'll have inhaled it before the skillet stops sizzling.

Parking Lot Bumper Car Probability Factor: -.6

Let's face it, you may still be drunk. Making it out of this Lilliputian parking lot unscathed is going to be a miracle.

Mac and Cheese Bonus Points: 1

Macaroni and cheese always receives one bonus point. It's a physical law.

Overall Score: 8.8

A dead-heat tie at the scoreboard. Tiebreaker round goes to...

Oh, come on...look at that beer list. You thought an article about hangovers wasn't gonna come down to booze? And let's be honest, we all know the only real hangover cure is more alcohol.

Winner: Hubcap Grill's Hangover Burger

Additional Notes:

*No, I don't condone irresponsible drinking (ahem).

*Yes, I know tomatoes aren't vegetables.

*Yes, I made these additional notes by trying to troll my own article.

By Joshua Justice
_____________________

RESTAURANT NEWS

Openings & Closings
A good, old-fashioned burger and a good Old Fashioned.

It's been quiet around the city as the summer wears on and few restaurants are opening their doors. At least two braved the heat to do so this past week, though.

After a lengthy construction and renovation process, The Refinery Burgers & Whiskey finally opened at 702 West Dallas. The tongue-in-cheek name refers to our city's rich history with oil and gas, and the logo features the word "Refinery" made from a collage of various gas station signs, both old and new.

The Refinery is both an icehouse and a whiskey bar, where you can get a good, old-fashioned burger and a good Old Fashioned at the same time, as well as craft beer on tap and appetizers like wings and cheese fries. It plans to keep late-night hours — until midnight during the week and 2 a.m. on the weekends — and will soon have a full patio as well, which was being built when I visited last week.

Way out west, another spot serving good beer and grub has opened in an old car wash at 5320 Westheimer. The West End opened ­after an extensive renovation that added a 4,000-square-foot patio to the space. Billing itself as a gastropub, the bar also features an impressive wall of taps that promise to hold plenty of craft beer.

In case you missed the recent news, a third pub is on its way soon: an OKRA-run charity bar in the old Red Cat Jazz space downtown. When it opens this fall, the bar plans to donate 100 percent of its proceeds to a different local charity each month.

Last but not least, Moon Tower Inn is finally getting closer to its big reopening day. On its Facebook page last week, the team posted an excited message: "CHECK OUT THIS HOLE. SOON IT WILL BE A BAR FOR YOU TO STAND AT AND DRINK DELICIOUS DAMN BEER!!!!!" A drive past Moon Tower on Wednesday night revealed a crew hard at work transforming shipping containers into a new restaurant/bar space for the East End hot dog and beer joint.

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