2012: Year of the Texans

Assessing all their strengths and weaknesses, we could be looking at a repeat or better.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Pick 'em

PREDICTION: Texans 19, Jets 16

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER

Any hopes of bringing a Super Bowl championship to Houston hinge on the health of quarterback Matt Schaub.
Photo by Aaron M. Sprecher
Any hopes of bringing a Super Bowl championship to Houston hinge on the health of quarterback Matt Schaub.
Linebackers Connor Barwin (left) and Brian Cushing (right) are two of defensive coordinator Wade Phillips's fiercest "Bulls on Parade"
Photo by Aaron M. Sprecher
Linebackers Connor Barwin (left) and Brian Cushing (right) are two of defensive coordinator Wade Phillips's fiercest "Bulls on Parade"

Sunday, October 14 — vs Green Bay

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: The Texans match up fairly well with the Packers, or as well as you can match up with a team that went 15-1 last season. The Packers don't run the ball all that well (that's good), the Packers were a terrible defensive unit last season (although they've made some improvements — Anthony Hargrove, Jerel Worthy), and on a Sunday night, Texan fans should be able to go beer for beer, cheese curd for cheese curd with the fatties who fly in from Green Bay.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Nightmare scenario — Texan fans sell their tickets to Packer fans, resulting in a muted home-field advantage (think Pittsburgh game last season), Aaron Rodgers picks away at whatever scab he can find in the Texans secondary (Kareem?) with Greg Jennings or Jordy Nelson, and Matt Schaub throws three picks. This is entirely feasible. (Pretend I used font size 72 on "entirely" there.)

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Packers -2

PREDICTION: Packers 31, Texans 24

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER

Sunday, October 21 — vs Baltimore

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Because they have to beat Baltimore eventually, right? Hell, for a non-AFC South team, it feels like they play the Ravens every year. Frankly, most years it's felt like the Texans were the Ravens' homecoming game (0-6 all-time versus Baltimore). I think the playoff game gives the Texans a measure of confidence, along with the fact that they're playing a team who viewed Jacoby Jones as a major upgrade at receiver. The time is now.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Green Bay hangover, cumulative effect of fifth straight "high intensity" game (one division game, a Peyton game and two prime timers before this), the ethereal powers of Joe Flacco's unibrow. Plenty of reasons.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -3

PREDICTION: Ravens 20, Texans 17

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER

Sunday, October 28 — BYE WEEK

BYE WEEK PREDICTION: Connor Barwin, Brooks Reed, Shaun Cody and Antonio Smith go somewhere in Barwin's Prius. Pictures get tweeted. This is the biggest lock of my entire column.

Sunday, November 4 — vs Buffalo

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: This game will be played in Week 9, so by then the Bills will have realized that their investment in Mario Williams is the worst guarantee of $50 million in history not involving the name "Lenny Dykstra."

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Mario Williams typically gets his sacks in bunches. For example, in 2010, Mario had five of his 8.5 sacks in two games. In 2008, he had 12 sacks on the season, and nine of them came in four games. Also, he had nine games that season with no sacks. Mario is like a lunar eclipse — he shows up once every year or so, and when he does, everybody makes a big fucking deal out of it. As lucky as Mario has been (he's pocketed about $75 million in his career before getting one dime in game checks in 2012), his three-sack outburst will come against his former team on his personal "judgment day" (his words, not mine).

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -7 1/2

PREDICTION: Texans 34, Bills 20

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN

Sunday, November 11 — at Chicago

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Best sources for entertaining low-speed chase footage:

Any evening news telecast in Los Angeles

Random episodes of Cops

Jay Cutler running for his life against any defense ranked in the upper half of the NFL

The Texans are one of those defenses that could send Jay Cutler to the bench by the fourth quarter debilitated, with that look on his face like he's been sitting at the DMV for three hours.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Sunday night in November, this baby has a chance to be frigid. If this turns into an "elements" game, with a gassed-up-on-Old Style crowd, this thing could definitely go sideways on the Texans.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Bears -2

PREDICTION: Texans 24, Bears 23

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER

Sunday, November 18 —

vs Jacksonville

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Blaine Gabbert. That is all.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Perhaps some caper where the heel wrestling manager/Jags owner Shahid Khan hatches a diabolical plot to lock Connor Barwin, Shaun Cody, Brooks Reed and Antonio Smith in Barwin's Prius for four hours, while slipping roofies in the Gatorade of the Texans' entire offensive line. Seriously, I have no idea how the Texans lose this game.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Texans -10 1/2

PREDICTION: Texans 33, Jaguars 17

BUCKET RATING: MUST WIN

Thursday, November 22 — at Detroit

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: There's a decent chance that a half dozen or so Lions will be arrested the night before the game.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: There's a decent chance that the arrests could involve the Lions' assaulting members of the Texans.

SPREAD IF THEY PLAYED TONIGHT: Lions -2 1/2

PREDICTION: Texans 23, Lions 17

BUCKET RATING: COIN FLIPPER

Sunday, December 2 — at Tennessee

WHY THE TEXANS WILL WIN: Jake Locker. That is all.

WHY THE TEXANS WILL LOSE: Two reasons — first, this is a classic "sandwich" game, meaning this is a crappy opponent plunked down right in between two highly anticipated big-time opponents. Second, the Texans have never come close to going undefeated in the division. They will lose an AFC South game, and Locker or no Locker, at Tennessee is the best shot at that.

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1 comments
Weck
Weck

Funny. I always thought "The Pendergast Method" was a term used for the proper way to polish silver.

 
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