2012 Turkeys of the Year

Puffed up, plucked and ready for roasting, here's this year's best of the worst.

Check out our slideshow on the making if this year's Turkeys of the Year cover.

Literature's Count Zaroff (and California's Zodiac Killer) said that man is the most dangerous game of all, but those freaks never tried to bag a Turkey of the Year.

To best this most onerous of creatures, one must lay in wait year-round, camouflaged to the gills, with only a hip-flask of brandy and fading memories of loved ones passed to while away the interminable hours. One cannot rely on a standard turkey-call to lure the lumbering beast into the cross-hairs, nor can any bullet made by mortal hands fell the feathered tyrant.

Dispatched from the bowels of hell by Lucifer himself, its talons as sharp as its master's pitchfork, its glottal warble is a clarion call for idiots to don their idiot caps (they're sort of like pith helmets, only made out of pudding) and present arms. But it's not just any garden-variety idiot who responds to the winged interloper's yodel. It takes a special sort of stupid. Countless candidates have sacrificed themselves at the Altar of the Bird, like Congressman Ron Paul, who promised during his presidential campaign to allow abortions for victims of "honest rape," as opposed to those scallywags who come about their rape in a most unsporting manner.

But that's just one example; others who heeded the Turkey's cry this past year include Plano's former favorite son, Lance Armstrong, who was stripped of the majority of his titles (he got to keep the award for "Most Drugs"); the Occupy protesters who turned Tranquility Park into their personal pissoir for a month; millionaire polo-playboy John Goodman adopting his girlfriend in an icky attempt to protect his assets while on trial for a drunk-driving death; and the Houston police officer who shot and killed a wheelchair-bound double-amputee armed with a pen. (In the officer's defense, he probably did not know at the time if it was ballpoint or fountain.)

It all played out in the midst of turkey-worthy election madness, in which state Republicans pushed for a voter ID law to combat the plague of widespread voter fraud that has scourged Texas for zero years, and in which Lieutenant Governor David Dewhurst, in an apparent attempt to out-Latino his opponent for a U.S. Senate seat, challenged Ted Cruz to a debate in Spanish. And of course, no roundup of local 2012 campaigns would be complete without mentioning democratic Harris County District Attorney candidate Lloyd Oliver, a man detested by his own party because, well, he's not really a Democrat, and because, well, he's sorta okay with domestic violence and homophobia. (He also displays mannequin boobs on his bedroom wall, which is really the kind of signature charm you want in a serial killer, as opposed to a serious contender for elected office.)

In fact, there was so much quality competition this year that, for the first time in Turkeys history, our winner is not a lone nutter, but an entire governing body. Abandon all hope, y'all who enter here...the Turkeys are amongst us.

TURKEY OF THE YEAR:
Houston City Council

There are 16 City Council members. That's one-six. It wasn't always that way. There used to be nine council members, and they were perfectly capable of doing dumb things on their own. But redistricting/gerrymandering necessitated expansion, and, as everyone knows, only good can come from increasing the number of officials at any level of government. Of course, maybe it's not the bloated bureaucracy that brought such weirdness to the mix — after all, if every city council member anywhere has simple common sense, then it wouldn't matter how many are at the table. But this is Houston, and we just don't do that.

Exhibit A: Helena Brown

Take for example, District A Councilwoman Helena Brown, whose conspiracy theories and taxpayer-funded trip to Korea, ostensibly to push for direct flights from Houston, makes us think she's really engaged in an Andy Kaufman-esque put-on. It doesn't help that she also appears to be a puppet for an adviser who was banned from selling securities — and who lied about it in the face of written proof. In fact, her tirades about communism and allusions to shadowy plots exasperated her fellow council members. They appeared to question the woman's sanity — which is sorta like being the black sheep of the Manson Family.

For example, Brown was the lone dissenter in the vote concerning a contract for the construction of maintenance garages for city vehicles, on the basis that it was really part of a UN plot.

"This is the United States of America — we don't answer to anyone but the good old U.S. of A.," she said, doing nothing to dispel the notion that she really answers to the tiny blue men who live in her shower drain.

As our own Terrence McCoy wrote in July: "Brown's extremism underscores a countrywide and, in fact, a global shift toward fringe politics. There are examples on either end, whether it's the Occupy Wall Street protesters advocating socialism or Tea Party advocates mourning the death of freedom. Historically, times of recession give rise to radicals and their ideas, and Helena Brown is Houston's incarnation of that effect."

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6 comments
Schitt.Rumpney
Schitt.Rumpney

I nominate SchittRumpney, Doofus JunkTrump, Noot, Dushe Limbaugh and the likes for Turkeys Of The Year

texasmovieshd
texasmovieshd

SO MANY TURKEYS, YET YOU FOLKS LEFT OUT THE BIGGEST TURKEY OF THEM ALL, CONSTABLE VICTOR TREVINO, THE MEXICAN-BORN SHIT FACE THAT IS THE BIGGEST BANDIDO TO EVER WEAR A TEXAS PEACE OFFICER BADGE. HE WAS INDICTED LAS NOV. 16, 2012, ON FOUR FELONIES OF CORRUPTION - BUT THIS MORON REFUSES TO STEP DOWN AND WAIT FOR HIS TRIAL LIKE A MAN OF INTEGRITY. HERE'S AANOTHER CLINCH, THE GRAND JURY DO NO KNOW ABOUT OTHER SHENANIGANS, INCLUDING HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH RUBEN GUERRA, A HEROIN CONVICTED FELON AMONG OTHER CRRIMES. I HAVE A LOT OF SCOOP ON THIS RELATIONSHIP AND MANY OTHER SHENANIGANS BY TREVINO  CHECK IT OUT AT facebook.com/J.j.Garcia

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

@texasmovieshd And you had to type that in all caps why? Amy Davis from KPRC definitely should be on this list too.

texasmovieshd
texasmovieshd

I AM AN EXPOSED MARINE VETERAN - COLON CANCER, LOST LEFT EAR HEARING, LOST TWO FINGERS, HAD TWO FACIAL SURGERIES, AND MY EYESIGHT SUCKS TOO, THEREFORE I TYPE IN CAPS. IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, I AM THE ONE THAT HAS PAID DEARLY WITH MY HEALTH ISSUES. SATISFIED?.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

I notice you managed the link in lower case. Meanwhile I come from a family of jarhead vets and I promise you, your service doesn't cover acting an @ssclown. Consider increasing your screen resolution/font size.

 
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