2012 Turkeys of the Year

Puffed up, plucked and ready for roasting, here's this year's best of the worst.

Exhibit B: Tell Us About the Food Trucks, George...

Of course, Brown wasn't the only public servant standing between Houston and those who wish to destroy us.

At a public hearing on food truck regulations covered by our intrepid food writer Katharine Shilcutt, Councilman Andrew Burks hinted "at the possibility of terrorists using food trucks' propane tanks as weapons, a comment that prompted laughter from the audience."

Burks, who by all accounts is a fully-formed adult human being, said, "Anything catastrophic like that could be a real hard damage and hard time for Houston, Texas, or anywhere. And you know that in the times which we live in, I think this is totally outrageous. I'm outraged by that. Because the reason is that in these times when people get bombed in embassy attacks and we put this type of bomb directly here in front of us and we know we could be causing trouble..."

Hitching his float to the Crazy Parade, Councilman Jack Christie chimed in with another salient thought: "Food trucks — are they allowed to sell other items within the food trucks?" This was followed up with some philosophical musings: "To what extent does it not become a food truck? I realize there may be limitations on that — on those items — some legal...and some ­illegal."

To what extent does it not become a food truck?

We don't know why he stopped there. Why didn't he ask, What is the sound of one food truck clapping? If a food truck parks in the forest, does it serve any tacos?

Councilman C.O. Bradford then had to turn the exercise into a TAKS test: "I'm concerned about safety issues as it relates to 40 pounds of propane per truck. Forty pounds of propane per truck! But there's no limit to the number of trucks — you could have 10 trucks lined up with 40 pounds of propane each — is that correct?" That's when he whipped out his trusty abacus.

Exhibit C: Noises Off

Perhaps because it simply made too much sense, the city's noise ordinance was revised into a nebulous blob by the City Council in October 2011. Before then, the ordinance was informed by federal legislation based on decibel levels. "F that noise," said the Council. "We want something subjective!" And so they applied Justice Potter Stewart's obscenity dictum ("I know it when I see it") to the ear canal.

A lobbyist for the Greater Houston Entertainment Coalition Political Action Committee told our Steve Jansen in May, "Club owners don't know what they need to do, there are no objective measures for either the clubs or the police to go by, and the police have to be frustrated that these things are taking up so much of their time."

Three months after the ordinance passed, Jansen wrote, an HPD officer responding to a noise complaint felt it necessary to cock his shotgun to get the crowd's attention; the very day after the ordinance passed, Washington Avenue's Kung Fu Saloon got a ticket for violating the ordinance — "for the collective volume of people talking on the patio." Thanks, Council!

Exhibit D: Please Don't Feed the Pigeons — or the Homeless

Okay, admittedly, Mayor Parker and the Council might have taken more heat than they deserved for a misunderstood new policy on permits for feeding the homeless on public property. However, the heat could have been avoided if the Council didn't do dumb shit like make people get permits for feeding the homeless. Seriously, yo. At first, we didn't know what to think, because Helena "UN Shadow Government" Brown was against the ordinance, so we wondered if maybe that was proof that the ordinance made sense, but then we took a breath. The ordinance that passed was a scaled-back version of the original proposal, and, to everyone's credit, it's seemed to go off without a hitch.

But the funny thing is, the Council didn't seem to spend much time discussing who these homeless people are, or the reasons for their situation. There wasn't a lot of talk about mental health outreach, or employment services, or rehab, or anything approaching root causes. Just how much of a bother it is to, like, have to see them and stuff. We understand that Jesus obtained the required permits, as well as received proper instruction on safe food handling procedures, before feeding loaves and fishes to the 5,000, so, in that regard, the Council was on firm moral footing.

SPORTS TURKEY
UT Coach Mack Brown

Our Sports Turkey of the Year also sports (heh) the dubious honor of being the only winner with his very own Deathwatch. Our Richard Connelly put Brown's mortal soul on the clock in October, writing "Brown is the guy who rode to a BCS title with a QB perfectly fitted for the college game, took another one far along the same route, and besides that has basically underperformed, considering he gets to pick and choose from the astounding collection of high school football talent the state of Texas offers."

Shortly after extending Brown's contract through 2020 — even though the existing one didn't expire until 2016 — UT's regents watched Oklahoma slaughter the Longhorns 63-21. Not exactly a bold affirmation. It was the second crushing defeat by the Sooners; the kind of embarrassment that casts a cloud over what has historically been fine leadership. It's not the kind of immediate result you expect when the extended contract tops the dude out at $6.1 million in his final year. And it's especially not the kind of thing you want after your school signs a mind-blowing deal with ESPN for a sports channel that barely had any justification for existing in the first place. That kind of PR swagger deserves swagger on the field. Simply put: Mack, what have you done for us lately?

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6 comments
Schitt.Rumpney
Schitt.Rumpney

I nominate SchittRumpney, Doofus JunkTrump, Noot, Dushe Limbaugh and the likes for Turkeys Of The Year

texasmovieshd
texasmovieshd

SO MANY TURKEYS, YET YOU FOLKS LEFT OUT THE BIGGEST TURKEY OF THEM ALL, CONSTABLE VICTOR TREVINO, THE MEXICAN-BORN SHIT FACE THAT IS THE BIGGEST BANDIDO TO EVER WEAR A TEXAS PEACE OFFICER BADGE. HE WAS INDICTED LAS NOV. 16, 2012, ON FOUR FELONIES OF CORRUPTION - BUT THIS MORON REFUSES TO STEP DOWN AND WAIT FOR HIS TRIAL LIKE A MAN OF INTEGRITY. HERE'S AANOTHER CLINCH, THE GRAND JURY DO NO KNOW ABOUT OTHER SHENANIGANS, INCLUDING HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH RUBEN GUERRA, A HEROIN CONVICTED FELON AMONG OTHER CRRIMES. I HAVE A LOT OF SCOOP ON THIS RELATIONSHIP AND MANY OTHER SHENANIGANS BY TREVINO  CHECK IT OUT AT facebook.com/J.j.Garcia

gossamersixteen
gossamersixteen topcommenter

@texasmovieshd And you had to type that in all caps why? Amy Davis from KPRC definitely should be on this list too.

texasmovieshd
texasmovieshd

I AM AN EXPOSED MARINE VETERAN - COLON CANCER, LOST LEFT EAR HEARING, LOST TWO FINGERS, HAD TWO FACIAL SURGERIES, AND MY EYESIGHT SUCKS TOO, THEREFORE I TYPE IN CAPS. IF THAT BOTHERS YOU, I AM THE ONE THAT HAS PAID DEARLY WITH MY HEALTH ISSUES. SATISFIED?.

MadMac
MadMac topcommenter

I notice you managed the link in lower case. Meanwhile I come from a family of jarhead vets and I promise you, your service doesn't cover acting an @ssclown. Consider increasing your screen resolution/font size.

 
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