Texas Crimes of the Year, 2012

As it turns out, Texans indulged in all seven of the deadly sins.

Shelley later told police she had religious qualms over the relationship at first, but soon overcame them. After all, a life was at stake. Under the online supervision of "Doc," Shelley and Buchanan started having sex regularly.

And now the story gets really weird...

Buchanan pretended to check in with Doc for weekly blood draws, and Doc would message the results. Doc would also "prescribe" the frequency, nature and duration of the sexual healing regimen. Shelley suspected that this might not be enough to save Buchanan, so she advised her lover to go in for a mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. Buchanan agreed and the two women went together. After the procedure was done, Shelley asked the surgeon about the lump. The befuddled doctor told her that all he'd done to Buchanan's breasts was augment them.

Shelley hastened to a computer to get some answers from Doc, and was told that the surgeon had performed the procedure "under the table" and had to lie because cameras were watching in the waiting room. Shelley bought that, and Buchanan's next whopper, too.

Throughout June and July, Buchanan said that she was embroiled in a custody battle over her twins and that it would really help her cause if she and Shelley could travel to a same-sex marriage state and tie the knot. In August, they whisked off to Massachusetts and did just that.

Around that time, Shelley's daughter started voicing suspicions that Buchanan and Doc were one and the same, and she eventually won her mom around. Shelley contacted Buchanan's ex, who told her that there had been no breast cancer in 2008, nor was there a custody battle. The woman then called the real Doc, and that was when police got involved.

Buchanan has reportedly confessed, saying she had to resort to such elaborate tactics because it was the only way she could have bedded and wedded Shelley. Because the Doc persona was based on a real person, Buchanan has been charged with online impersonation, a class A misdemeanor punishable by up to a year in county jail. Which is a lot less than what Dante prescribed for lusters; in his Inferno, the punishment was an eternity sizzling in fire and brimstone.

We've gotten a lot more forgiving since Dante's day. When Felicia Moon, the ex-wife of Houston Oilers quarterback Warren Moon, was arrested early in 2012 near Hockley for having public sex in an open field with her boyfriend while camping out on a rodeo-time trail ride, trail boss Nannie Francies delivered the following dispensation.

"Well, they were out on the field, so whatever," Francies said. "I don't see it as a big deal. When people go out on the trail, people tend to do what they want to do."

GLUTTONY

This is another easy sin for us to grasp, at least in its most obvious incarnation — overconsumption of food and drink. But the old-timers also believed that one person's pigging out and getting drunk hindered the poor from eating or drinking at all. Thus, gluttons embodied selfishness in the medieval mind, and the sin included all manner of self-centeredness.

In Texas this year, there were a few interesting examples of blatant and weird gluttony, such as the two Beaumont women who got into a fight over fried shrimp that ended with both of them suffering non-fatal bullet wounds. There were the many and varied Randy Travis honky-tonkin' public drunkenness episodes, ranging from the Baptist church parking lot incident to the lying-in-the-road nekkid debacle to the fistfight outside a second Dallas-area church. Two other ravenous drinkers gave us mugshots for the ages. (See photos.) There was Michael Don Mitchell, a Longview burglar undone by his love for Chef Boyardee: After he helped himself to a can of ravioli in his victim's kitchen, police found him minutes later with, in the words of his arresting officer, "red spaghetti sauce around his lips and mouth" that was "consistent with the sauce used in Chef Boyardee raviolis."

And there was Crystal Marie Mosquera, who allegedly tried to walk out of a College Station Walmart without paying for a case of Mike's Hard Lemonade, an 18-pack of Bud Light Lime, a 12-pack of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, and six-packs each of Twisted Tea, Smirnoff Ice, Smirnoff Ice Cherry Lime, Smirnoff Cranberry & Lime, Smirnoff Screwdriver and Smirnoff Blueberry & Lemonade. Mosquera also reportedly helped herself to a dozen packages of various daiquiri and hard-lemonade mixes. And then there was the ice cream, oodles and oodles of ice cream: a box each of Breyer's S'mores and fudge bars, and numerous boxes of Twix, Snickers and Milky Way ice cream bars.

Also in her shopping cart: a single cucumber, possibly adding the Lust sub-sin of self-abuse to the mix.

But the king of Texas gluttons last year was Waco's Michael Daniel. On June 14, while reportedly high on K-2, Daniel allegedly assaulted a group of people in his home, chased a neighbor while barking and growling, and then beat and strangled the family dog and ate the poor little creature alive. Police later found Daniel "on a front porch with blood smeared on his face and clothes."

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4 comments
lineardyna
lineardyna

Excellent story - I learned something from it, e.g. hoarding = greed. Early in the New Year of 2013 is as good a time as any to review the "seven deadlies." Though not all of us are at all likely to do any of these sins exactly the same way, IMHO we need to periodically perform a self-appraisal to see where we may be missing the mark and it sure couldn't hurt to try to learn from the mistakes of others especially since we won't live long enough to make them all ourselves.

Schitt.Rumpney
Schitt.Rumpney

The "man and his dog".....why did I have to read itn..lol

HeyYoJos
HeyYoJos

@bomani_jones @smartfootball @blackmanusa Want all 50 states rt @hairballsnews 2012: The Year in #Texas Crimes http://t.co/WJUhGDhg

Geezy
Geezy

"It's something that you really can't imagine. I see my neighbor out there with his pants down — molesting my dog. I wasn't prepared to see that that morning,"

This killed me when I read it, hahaha. Lomax you should consider doing a "memorable quotes" 1 off to this article here, considering the stupidity of some of these crimes I'm sure there's some great ones. 

Awesome way to sum up the year. Hilarious. 

 
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