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A Full Dance Card

The 2013 RodeoHouston lineup reflects Houston, not Texas.

We short folks wouldn't know anything about that.

I first noticed you guys' blatant disrespect toward us short types when I covered rapper Kendrick Lamar's concert at Warehouse Live last month. Lamar's wasn't the first concert of this type I've attended; last fall's The Weeknd concert was my introduction to "standing room only." Even then, the spacious ­interior of Bayou Music Center offset the sizable crowd. If we got stuck behind one of you, we could easily move to another corner to view the singer's performance.

The very opposite could be said of Lamar's show. The rapper, the venue and I have something in common: We're pint-size, which should have meant a "show" of empathy for the punier among us in attendance. Alas, the crowd that squeezed into Warehouse Live was about twice the size — in numbers, that is — of Bayou Music Center's, leaving me and those like me at the mercy of your thrown elbows and double-fisted drinks.

Pitbull does a little shaking at his August 2012 performance at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion.
Marco Torres
Pitbull does a little shaking at his August 2012 performance at the Cynthia Woods Mitchell Pavilion.

Perhaps you saw me? I was the knotty-haired, speckled-jean-wearing gal busily scribbling into a notebook, ignoring the security guards poking fun at me.

"Doing homework?"

Or maybe you didn't: No matter where I turned, I, 5-foot-3 on a very good day, always ended up lodged behind one of you beer-­chugging 6-footers.

I can already hear your yells of protest: "I don't give a damn about your little-person problems! I'll stand wherever I damn well please! I'm an American!"

While one might argue that stacking concert attendees randomly is a nugget of the American Dream, denying the vertically challenged an opportunity to witness our favorite musical artists is not only unfair, it's the very essence of inequality.

But here's where the tables turn: When you get mean, we get meaner. They don't call it a Napoleon complex for nothin'. Just because we're short doesn't mean we can't teach you a lesson in concert protocol.

There are lots of insidious things we could do to you: tie your shoelaces together, punch you in your knees, kick you in your shins, step on your toes — anything involving the lower half of your bodies, really. Our height restrictions pretty much limit our range of destruction. Ahem. But don't let that keep the terror from creeping into your hearts!

We're everywhere. Our forces are growing. We're not going to endure one more concert staring into the small of your backs. Our little balled-up fists, they're ready.

We know you don't want this problem, so avoid it. Step aside to let us shorties through rather than clamor to the front of the stage. You will still be able to see everything just fine.

That would also cut down on the inevitable fights that break out at concerts such as these; if there has to be a round of fisticuffs, let it be because Stoner Dude blew his smoke in your face, not because Little Dude, standing on his tiptoes to see around you, accidentally tripped in your direction.

If you don't, things could get very sticky for you.

You have been warned.

Sincerely,

A Frustrated Short Person
_____________________

Adults Only!

Shake Your Culo
Pitbull's easy guide to Spanish pickup lines.

Allison Wagoner

When 2013 RodeoHouston performer Pitbull released "Culo" in 2004, fans who couldn't speak Spanish sang the hook like this: "Da da da lita benenenita tenentremendo...CULO!!" They didn't know what he was saying, and most of them didn't care to find out. It was just fun to scream "CULO!"

Pitbull is now the reason that many non-Spanish speakers know that "culo" means "ass" in English. He's the foremost Spanish professor for people who don't want to learn the language but simply want to master enough phrases to take someone home.

But certain words and phrases in Spanish can mean different things, depending on the connotation. Fortunately for Pitbull's "students," every song has an exclusively sexual connotation, and they all say the same thing: You're sexy, you like to party, so we're going to get down.

His singles are the best thing to happen to white dudes at the club since Haddaway's "What Is Love."

Without further delay, it's time to learn some sexy Spanish pickup lines with Pitbull!

A brief forewarning: These are phrases you probably want to avoid using around family or in any public place besides the club. Also, these phrases are roughly translated.

Song: "Culo," feat. Lil Jon

Lyric: "Está tan linda, está tan rica. Tiene tremendo culo."

Translation: "She is so cute, she is so tasty. She has a big booty."

Comment: There you go, everyone who mumbled most of the hook to this 2004 hit song. You can use "Estás tan..." if you'd like to personally compliment a lady on her tastiness in the club.

Song: "Bojangles"

Lyric: "Traelo patras"

Translation: "Bring it back."

Comment: Perfect for when you're dancing with that special someone.

Song: "Ay Chico (Lengua Afuera)"

Lyric: "Todo el mundo con la lengua afuera"

Translation: "Everybody with their tongue out."

Comment: Lengua is a popular meat dish in Latin America as well as Pitbull's favorite part of his body. Put that thing back in your mouth!
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