The Ten Weirdest Members of Congress

Texas claims three of the top spots.

When she flies home for visits, she demands that a staffer be waiting with a motorized cart to whisk her from the gate. And when she goes abroad, while the rest of the congressional delegation usually travels by military bus, nothing less than a black Mercedes will do to squire her around town.

Although government employees are banned from performing personal services for elected officials, Roll Call magazine discovered that Lee was ordering low-paid workers to run errands during off-hours. Some chauffeured her to the hairdresser. Others picked up her laundry. One was summoned from bed after midnight to fetch a bottle of garlic supplements.

The work environment is so bad that one ex-employee was warned by a doctor to either quit or die from the stress. "It's like being an Iraq War veteran," said another.

Ted Cruz
illustration by Tom Huck
Ted Cruz
Scott DesJarlais
illustration by Tom Huck
Scott DesJarlais

All this might be easier to swallow if Lee were abusing her power for something important. Yet when it comes to being ineffectual, she's the Democratic answer to Louie Gohmert.

The congresswoman is known as a grandstander extraordinaire, her floor speeches both endless and mind-blistering. At the start of one such effort, journalist Robert Draper counted 100 Democrats on the House floor. Within the first minute, 80 had fled for cover.

"If she was effective, it'd be forgivable," says a Texas Republican who asked not to be named. "But she's not. The only reason she proposes anything is to get airtime."

In fact, abusing employees may be Lee's only achievement after 18 years in Washington. No member of Congress has proposed more failed amendments, indicative of her lack of legislative juice. According to C-Span, Lee has had 39 proposals spiked in the past year alone.

3.

Trent Franks

(R-Arizona)

You Say "Tomato," He Says "Abortion"

Arizona congressman Trent Franks is the John Coltrane of Congress. He's managed to spend the last decade in Washington playing but one note: an extreme take on abortion.

He may be the country's most irrelevant congressman, passing exactly zero of the 45 bills he's sponsored. Few have been taken seriously enough to even merit a vote.

As Franks sees it, his job isn't to move America forward. It's to talk, talk and talk some more about abortion.

"Abortion has been his one and only issue," says Arizona Democratic Party spokesman Frank Camacho. "That's his main claim to fame."

This proved true during a recent House debate on fiscal policy, when Illinois congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. — who recently pleaded guilty to blowing $750,000 in campaign contributions on his wife and himself — asked if anyone could explain a balanced-budget amendment. Franks eagerly offered his assistance. "I'll give it a shot," he said.

He then proceeded to talk for three minutes about — what else? — abortion. (And Nazis, too!)

Franks has called Obama the "abortion president," and once claimed that abortion laws were more devastating to African-Americans than slavery.

But his zealotry hasn't been particularly effective. Unable to pass national legislation, he lowered his sights to the capital city, pushing a law that would ban women in Washington, D.C., from having an abortion after 20 weeks of pregnancy.

When D.C. residents objected in a novel way — by lining up outside Franks's office and asking the Arizona legislator they sarcastically called "mayor" to fix potholes — Franks clumsily sidestepped. "District of Columbia is not the issue," he said. "It's the pain of the child."

The protestors, however, had little to fear. The bill soon died on the House floor. Like everything else Franks does, it was merely one more piece of amateur theater in an ongoing show with no end.

2.

Paul Broun

(R-Georgia)

Science Is the Devil's Playground

One of the more distressing movements in Jindal's "stupid party" is its increasingly antiscientific fervor. Leading the charge is Georgia congressman Paul Broun, who believes that science is the Devil's work. Literally.

"All that stuff I was taught about evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell," Broun once declared.

This didn't stop Republican leaders from appointing him to the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology, a decision akin to Apple hiring Nicki Minaj to head its research division.

In a speech before a sportsman's club, Broun told the audience that while Jesus hates science, Our Savior showed a great deal of enthusiasm in getting Paul Broun elected to Congress and helping him kill a Kodiak bear and two lions.

He's also accused President Obama of upholding the Soviet constitution rather than the U.S. version. Among his proudest moments: He claims to be the first politician to call Obama a "socialist."

Though Broun represents a fundamentalist swath outside Atlanta, his anti-science views don't reflect a sliver of sanity in his district known as Athens, home to the University of Georgia. So biologist Jim Leebens-Mack started a write-in campaign against the congressman.

Instead of running himself, Mack encouraged voters to back a new candidate: Charles Darwin. Broun may have won re-election, but the long-deceased Darwin still managed to get 4,100 votes.

1.

Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota)

The Demagogue Slugger with Power to All Fields

Years from now, historians will look back on the year 2013 and think to themselves, Michele Bachmann? Really?

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10 comments
jeannebroadway
jeannebroadway

You included Ted Cruz, an actual "America First" Senator, and you leave out Sheila Jackson Lee, the imbecilic witch from Hell. WOW, could this writer be a left wing wacko.

Anse
Anse

I am not surprised that Darth Cheney becomes easily distracted by the delectable sight of blood.

leahshell1009
leahshell1009

The bf and I have been laughing about "Gomer" for years. Luckily, no one takes these nut jobs seriously. The more light that is shone upon their idiocy, the less likely we will have to suffer them in the future. Great article and great writing.

StaceinTexas
StaceinTexas

I wonder why Caleb is so intimidated by Senator Cruz.

Kylejack
Kylejack topcommenter

No Kerry Bentivolio?

gcbeehler
gcbeehler

The animated gif of 'snake' Bachmann is amazing!

stevek77536
stevek77536

The movie "Idiocracy", while not great, did have an interesting concept and some good lines:

"Narrator: Unaware of what year it was [distant future], Joe wandered the streets desperate for help. But the English language had deteriorated into a hybrid of hillbilly, valleygirl, inner-city slang and various grunts. Joe was able to understand them, but when he spoke in an ordinary voice he sounded pompous and faggy to them."

Maybe the pols in the article can be the cast of a second try (this time a documentary?).

Anse
Anse

@StaceinTexas A man with a gun can be dangerous. A very, very stupid man with a gun is a menace. 

 
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