By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
By Aaron Reiss
By Angelica Leicht
By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
Highlights from Hair Balls
Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio surprised a lot of people when he chose the name he'd be using as leader of the Catholic Church: Pope Francis.
He's the first ever to use Francis, and there have been a hell of a lot of popes before him who could have done so. About (the actual count is slippery) 266 popes have had the chance to call themselves "Francis," and none did.
The new pope says he's honoring Francis of Assisi, but come on — there's no way today's church would hold up a stone-cold radical like Frankie Assisi as a model. Someone who actually gave up a luxurious, sex-laden lifestyle to live with and help the poor?
Not likely. So who is Francis named after? Five guesses:
5. The "Lighten up, Francis" dude
Who better to spread a message of peace and serenity than the ever-so-slightly highly strung character from Stripes? Not to mention he'd be a strong candidate for patron saint of Not Touching My Stuff.
Sure, there are some great songs sung during Mass. "O Come, All Ye Faithful" ("Adeste Fideles" for the hardcore) is hard to beat, and not many hymns have been turned into anthems by shitty '80s hair bands — we can thank "O Come" for the melody of "We're Not Gonna Take It."
Still, much like the mindless sludge that is the oeuvre of Twisted Sister, the music of Mass needs to challenge those in the pews. Who better than Black Francis of Pixies fame? No one's sleeping through Mass with Black Francis and his band at the altar.
"And now if you'll turn to page 134 in your hymnals, we'll celebrate the Eucharist with 'Monkey Gone to Heaven.'"
Too outlandish an idea? Don't forget the name of one of his solo bands:
3. Francis the Talking Mule
Francis was the Mister Ed of the first half of the 1950s, dispensing wise advice to his human sidekick in the Army. (He was voiced by Chill Wills, who was the voice of God until James Earl Jones came along.) If you look at the trailer for the sixth in the series, Francis in the Navy, which we had online, you'd notice it proclaimed, "There's Joy Ahoy!" Is not the message of God one of hope and joy?
Francis of Assisi was big with the animals, right? That's why every kid loves him. But to love animals so much that you name yourself after one — well, greater love hath no man and all that.
2. Sage Francis
A white rapper who doesn't draw much of a black audience, Sage Francis might seem an odd choice for a pope to honor. As we said in previewing a 2010 appearance here:
"There is the camp who think he's an extremely lucky pothead/knucklehead and those who think he's playing the role of extremely lucky pothead/knucklehead, while in reality Francis is a canny, whip-smart, lyrically gifted MC who can spit rhymes with the best of the best of them."
So ignore the first part and focus on the second. It's a lot like picking the best parts of Leviticus and ignoring the rest.
Okay, okay, maybe it's not a great idea for a pope to name himself after one of the stars of Where the Boys Are. Lawsuits, settlements, altar boys — we get it, we get it. But Connie Francis had an absolute string of hits, like "When the Boy in Your Arms (Is the Boy in Your Heart)," "Follow the Boys" and, ummm, "Who's Sorry Now?" — shit. Oh, well, let's not concentrate so much on the musical career, shall we?
It seems Connie Francis was Concetta Rosa Maria Franconero when she was growing up in the Ironbound section of Newark until she changed her name.
She changed her name. Just like Pope Francis had to. So it's no surprise he was inspired by her daring move and her wish to spread her message all over the world. (Even if that message is sometimes "Lipstick on Your Collar.")
Or maybe Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio just really, really likes Where the Boys Are.
Our Porn Loves
Site lists Texas's 10 fave searches.
The question of whether Texas is part of the South or the Southwest has long been debated. Now we can answer that question, thanks to porn.
(Is there anything porn can't do?)
PornMD, a porn-searching Web site that apparently tries to wrap itself in the aura of the health industry, has put together rankings of each state's top 10 most commonly searched terms on porn sites over a six-month period. (They also do it for countries.)
The Southern states' leading search term seems to be "ebony" — it's number one in Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, South Carolina and North Carolina. We're not going to speculate why.
Texas, however, eschews the "ebony" category. (To a degree, that is — the term places tenth on the Lone Star State's list.)
Number one in Texas? "Teen."
We assume those teens are barely legal, because porn-lovin' Texans would never, ever break the law to satisfy their raw urges.
After "teen," Texans go to the other end of the age spectrum: "MILF" comes in second. Which means, we guess, that Texans are obsessed with age when it comes to their porn; they just can't make up their minds about what age it should be.
Here's Ye Olde Compleat Porno List for Texans:
(For those who are not porn aficionados, we are told that "POV" refers to a handheld camera, usually looking down upon a woman on her knees performing an oral service on the cameraman, and "Hentai" is a type of Japanese porn. Oh, and "Creampie" refers to creative uses of jism on women.)
Among the terms that show up on other states' lists that don't even make Texas's top 10:
1. BBW (Big, Beautiful Women; i.e., chubbies)
2. Wife (Non-BBW ones, we assume.)
3. Compilation (For those too busy to search!)
4. Mom (Maybe the survey was taken around Mother's Day?)
5. Asian (Houston obviously did not represent itself in this study.)
6. Lesbian (With a lesbian as mayor, it would be like watching your fourth-grade teacher have sex?)
7. Squirt (Hey, we're in a drought here!!!)
There were also these oddities:
b) Iowa's list included "Backstage Casting Couch," "Parody" and "SC (gay)"; unless it involves South Carolina dudes into Nicki Minaj (Go Gamecocks!!), we have no idea what that last is about.
As to the rest of that Iowa list, we guess the one guy who likes porn in Iowa really skews things.