By Chris Lane
By Jeff Balke
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By Dianna Wray
By Aaron Reiss
By Camilo Smith
By Craig Malisow
Highlights from Hair Balls
North Korea, that mysterious country of Photoshopping experts, is once again rattling sabers.
So who cares if they're shaking some ancient cavalry weapon, you ask? Well, the sabers North Korea rattles are intercontinental nuclear missles aimed at New York, L.A., DC and Austin.
Yep. Look closely at the map on the wall at the left side of the picture.
You may not see it too well, but the experts in the U.S. of A. government have studied the map closely and determined that the lowest arrow, bending downwards, is headed toward Austin. (Not to worry; experts say North Korea doesn't have the rockets necessary to send the missiles across the ocean. Yet.)
5. See what happens when you elect a Tea Party legislature?
Tyrannies tremble. TYRANNIES TREMBLE. And don't tread on me, bro.
4. SXSW has just gotten too filled with "corporate douchiness," dude.
(Note: It is mandatory to use the phrase "corporate douchiness," or some derivative thereof, when talking about SXSW.)
3. Mack Brown has already nuked what's left of the UT football program.
The cupboard is bare, so North Korea's missiles will look like they've done more damage than they actually have.
2. Kim Jong Un got cock-blocked on Sixth Street.
Another SXSW disaster. Kim was so damn close to getting this Phi Mu chick's digits when the cops came along telling everyone to keep moving.
It led, of course, to a son's version of his father's anthem.
1. He bombed Austin to nip Rick Perry's 2016 presidential campaign in the bud.
You have to react quickly and strongly to such dire threats, like the thought of President Perry riding a James Bond hovercraft across the Pacific specifically to single-handedly kick your ass.
Two HCC students — former military — help cops nab robbery suspect.
The day after Valentine's was apparently a pretty crazy one for a pair of Houston Community College students, who also happen to be former members of the armed forces. According to a report, on Friday morning, February 15, a robbery suspect stole a laptop computer from a sleeping student and then snatched an iPad right out of the hand of another student. The second victim, a no doubt shocked female student, started screaming bloody murder.
HCC Police Corporal Edwin Johnson was already on his way to the scene of the first crime with the first victim when he ran into the suspect on the stairs. The suspect reportedly paused for a moment, then shoved Johnson down the stairwell.
In what sounds like an action movie, Michael D. Alaniz, a student and former U.S. Marine, saw Johnson being shoved down the stairs and immediately gave chase to the suspect. He was joined by another student, Honorato (FTW!) Medrano Jr., a veteran of the U.S. Navy. The two apparently did not know each other before the incident, which makes us wonder if they broke out into a sailor-versus-marine brawl later. Probably not.
In addition to the students, Johnson and the first victim recovered and were in pursuit as well.
All four chased the victim to behind a nearby Home Depot, where he fell down. The rest can best be described by the awesome HCC press release:
As the suspect reached the back of the store, he fell into a pallet and was cornered. Seeing the tenacious actions of his pursuer, the suspect set down the iPad he had stolen from his female victim and initially raised his hands. Upon the arrival of Cpl. Johnson, the suspect again attempted to flee but was immediately grabbed and wrestled to the ground by Cpl. Johnson, Alaniz and Medrano and was apprehended. A search of the suspect and his possessions was found to contain the first student victim's laptop, a passport that had also been reported stolen from the Gulfton Campus and several other items that implicated this suspect in other thefts at HCC Southwest.
We might not normally appreciate such florid language in describing a simple chase, but in this case, we're happy to allow it.
The moral of the story: Don't steal, but especially don't steal when you have two badass former servicemen on your tail.