2013 Turkeys of the Year — Looking Back at the Best of the Worst

From politics to sports to education and food, the Texas gobblers provided pure gravy.

We don't criticize Cruz for his stance on the Affordable Care Act. It's a colossal clusterfuck bordering on outright disaster. Barack Obama made promises about it that he knew at the time were simply not part of the legislation, which is unforgivable and inherently more appalling than Cruz's futile non-filibuster. Cruz could have followed up Green Eggs and Ham by telling his fellow senators for the next 16 hours that he had a wocket in his pocket, and it still wouldn't have made him as terrible as Obama. But this is the Houston Turkeys of the Year, and — as most of Cruz's supporters would tell you — Obama is from Kenya.

We must point out, however, that Cruz claims to have a bare-bones outline of an Obama­Care alternative: He wants consumers to be able to buy insurance policies across state lines; he wants to expand health savings accounts; and he wants to cut the cord between insurance and employment. Cruz has promised to actually flesh this out and package it into a bill in coming weeks, so he's pretty confident that, ten months into the gig, he can persuade his colleagues to repeal a massive federal program and implement his own. Good for him. In the meantime, we're going to try to get that $5 million Benghazi bounty. We figure our chances are about as good as Cruz's.

SPORTS TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

Gary Kubiak, alleged coach of NFL franchise

Kubes has taken a worse drubbing this season than his team's defensive line. The man's under a tremendous amount of pressure. Apparently, not enough pressure to actually figure out how to win a freaking game, but pressure just the same. When he suffered a ministroke and collapsed on the field in front of millions of viewers, it was an important reminder that Gary Kubiak is not just a coach, but a mortal human being. At the end of the day, he's just a regular guy who puts his pants on one leg at a time like the rest of us. Sure, he goes out and makes a bunch of terrible calls and loses a shitload of games after he puts those pants on, but still. That's why, even though he clearly deserves to be this year's Sports Turkey, we didn't want to pile on the hate. We figured we'd let the man's very own to-do list — provided by a source close to the Texans organization — do the talking for us.

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POLITICAL TURKEY OF THE YEAR (Group category):

Armed Citizen Project

The reason we dislike this group, which provides free shotguns to people in "mid-high crime neighborhoods," is that it doesn't go far enough. For one thing, there appears to be a one-gun-per-household limit, and if you live alone, that's practically rolling out the red carpet for bad guys.

Say you're in the bathroom when one of those people (we think you know who we're talking about) breaks in, but you, like any normal person, keep your Mossberg under your pillow. You're toast, buddy.

According to the group's Web site, "If a gang of four breaks into your house, it is best for your wife to be equipped with 30 rounds of .223 if possible, and we fully support the decision of firearm owners to be prepared for all eventualities."

O RLY?

If the ACP were truly interested in helping homeowners prepare for "all eventualities," it would have partnered with similar civic-minded nonprofits, like Grenades for Grandmas, in order to supplement its home-protection mission. And for goodness' sake, how is a five-year-old supposed to effectively fire a shotgun at a home invader, or aren't our precious towheaded children worthy of protection as well? At the very least, the ACP could offer automatic pistols to kids under 12. (For example, a Ruger LCP weighs only 9.4 ounces and is small enough to fit in an Easy-Bake Oven.)

Also, statistics show that shotguns alone are no match for ninjas. Sure, a 12-gauge might work against your garden-variety punk, but when you have an agile assassin clad in a skintight black suit wielding a chigiriki and more throwing stars than you can shake a stick at, your shotgun is about as handy as a water pistol. If you're lucky, you might catch a glimpse of such an intruder tiptoeing down the hall, but by the time you point and shoot, the sneaky bastard is hanging upside down from the chandelier behind you, and, oh, hello, is that a blowgun in his mouth?

Seriously, Armed Citizen Project. Go big or go home.

FOOD

TURKEY OF THE YEAR:

Roots Bistro

If there's one thing we can all agree on, it's that domestic violence is inherently funny. In fact, we'd rank it just one cut above the Holocaust and one below childhood leukemia on the LAFF-O-METER. Surprisingly, not everyone agrees, which is why Roots Bistro caught some flak when they posted the message "Beer should be like violence: domestic" on their marquee in April. The manager told the Houston Press that the sign was up for only ten minutes, but we're actually more curious about how long it took to create the sign in the first place.

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14 comments
Puller58
Puller58

Have to go with the "Cruzader."  Sarah Palin must be proud of him.

phillyat72
phillyat72

The wonderful thing about libs is that while they may give a bit, a passing bit on Obamacare, they take off against any Pub, conserv, or Christian. Yet, Cruz actually fired up the BASE and apparently now , others on the evils of Obamacare. Sure Perry fouled up but he is still better than any Dem leftist and especially this infanticide babe, Davis. The real turkeys in the USA and probably TX are always utopian socialist Dems who attack the foundations of both our domestic and international security and try to undermine our heritage, history and values. 

FattyFatBastard
FattyFatBastard topcommenter

So, Malisow was a dejected Kanye fan?


Props to at least admitting Obamacare is a debacle, so far. 

Rick Taylor
Rick Taylor

Then Obama is the turkey of the decade. Womp womp

Javier Gomez
Javier Gomez

Ted Cruz is definitely the Turkey of the Year.

Schitt.C.Rumpney
Schitt.C.Rumpney

@Javier Gomez While I agree with you, I think my nominated choice WINS!

eudemonist
eudemonist

@charlierock62 @eudemonist I did.  I noticed it included the line, "But this is the Houston Turkeys of the Year, and...", so was curious if Kanye was now a Houston turkey.

 
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