Amy Alkon drags people, kicking, screaming, and laughing, out of their misery with her behavioral science-based advice column, which runs in about 100 newspapers.
Buy her science-based and bitingly funny new advice book, "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" (St. Martin's Press, June 3, 2014).
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Time Is On Her Slide
My girlfriend is constantly late, which is annoying, but what's more annoying is that there's always an excuse: She had to do one more thing at work; traffic was horrible; her dog wouldn't pee, so she had to walk him longer; she couldn't get somebody off the phone. She always apologizes and is always late the next time. I don't take her lateness as a sign she doesn't care enough about me, but it doesn't exactly feel great, either.
She has to be at your place in 10 minutes? Well, that should be just enough time to retranslate the Gutenberg Bible, reorganize her closets, and then get that ship into that very tiny bottle.
It's hard for the punctual to understand how anyone can treat time like it's stretchy. (It's not as if an hour will ever go by more slowly because Time went out drinking with its friends Mass and Distance and woke up with a nasty hangover.) But the chronically late aren't necessarily the disrespectful, power-tripping jerks who those always sitting waiting for them in restaurants sometimes suspect them to be. Julie Morgenstern writes in "Time Management from the Inside Out" that if someone's late by varying amounts of time — 20 minutes here, 12 there — their lateness is probably "technical," involving errors like underestimating how long things take, rather than psychological (as in, "I'll show you who's queen!").
Morgenstern advises the chronically tardy to avoid the temptation to cram in "just one more thing" by viewing time as we do space — seeing an hour as a finite container, which can only fit so many activities. Over a week, she suggests jotting down how long tasks actually take, including hidden time costs (such as travel time, cleanup time, interruption time, and dog bladder cooperativeness). And because life tends to have more snags than a bad girl's tights, she advises building in "cushion time" — an extra 20 percent on top of the time you think a task will take.
Chronic inconsideration, even when it isn't intentional, chips away at a relationship. (The way to your heart is not through your girlfriend's last-minute to-do list.) Explain that you understand that her chronic lateness isn't an attack on you, but if there is "one more thing" she could squeeze in, perhaps it could be the thought of how you feel sitting all alone in a restaurant, keeping busy by searching for coded messages woven into the tablecloth.
Give her Morgenstern's book, and tell her it would mean a lot to you if, for the next three weeks, she'd make a serious effort to show up when she says she will. (Of course, three weeks is just a start, but that sounds less daunting than "Change your deeply ingrained habit right now!") Praise any efforts and improvements you see, and don't expect perfection. Just hope for a day when "the most unbelievable thing !" is her on-time arrival — as opposed to another eight-car pileup on her suburban cul-de-sac, making her even later than she already was, thanks to her dog's insisting on watching the rest of "Days Of Our Lives."
Malcolm In The Mid-Life
When I turned 50, my doctor prescribed me "male enhancement pills" (just so I could be more like the old me in bed). I recently started dating a woman I really like, and I'm wondering whether I'm wrong to let her think this is the real 53-year-old me.
Getting to know each other doesn't require your confessing "I take medication to increase the blood flow to my penis" and her coming back with "I use wax to remove my big black mustache." Just be silently thankful that Mr. Happy stands up instead of fainting when the pressure's on.
Because more and more people are getting old without getting grandpa-like, I suspect that the stigma surrounding Daddy's Little Erection Helpers will eventually go the way of the embarrassment formerly associated with Internet dating. Quite frankly, taking a pill to manage your recalcitrant penis is rather like taking one to manage your allergies, except that nobody associates your nasal function with your manhood.
Once you're in a relationship, it is appropriate to share news of any medications you're taking. When you do, clear up a misconception many women have by explaining that the pill doesn't change your libido; it just helps with the hydraulics. The problem, if any, is in the side effects, such as "erections lasting more than four hours." A woman does appreciate a man who can stand firm, but maybe not all the way to the emergency room and then some.
It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio — "Nerd your way to a better life!" with the best brains in science solving your love, dating sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/ — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or download the podcast at the link. Call-in during the show: 347-326-9761 (NYC area code).
Advice Goddess Radio: Fred Hahn on how to be healthier than a fitness fanatic with 15 minutes a week of science-based exercise.
(c)2012, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon
Read Amy Alkon's book: "I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society" (McGraw-Hill, $16.95).