10 Houston Drivers You Know Or Are One Of

Yeah, that looks about right.
Yeah, that looks about right.

I will fully admit that I am an awful driver. My car is a series of scratches and dings, few of which I can tell you where they even came from. The thing about my driving is that the only person I ever hurt is myself, or my car rather. Those scrapes and bruises are due to driving too close to parking lot medians or thinking I can fit between two ill-growing trees. Never have I ever hit another car while driving on the street. I understand the rules of driving in a big city and I try my darndest to follow them.

Houstonians seem to have issue with driving. Not that they don't enjoy it, on the contrary, Houstonians love hitting the road. They just follow a rulebook that was invented by other Houstonians. Houston drivers are a special breed.

What's a Turn Signal?

Turn signal?
Turn signal?

If I am not mistaken, and please correct me on the engineering, I think that all cars come with turn signals and have so for many years. Given this bit of information and the fact that not only are turn signals fairly easy to use (you just press them up or down and that's it) but they also make driving safer for all parties involved, it's odd that Houston drivers feel that such things don't exist. It's as if Houston drivers either have no idea what those blinking lights on either side of their car are for, or refuse to acknowledge them.

Here's Good! I think it's Ford or Mazda or some car company that had the slogan for a while, "we own the road;" never was there a truer statement about Houston drivers. Drivers in H-Town think that the highways and streets are their domain and so, naturally, stopping haphazardly in the middle of one for seemingly no logical reason is absolutely fine. Additionally, busting a U-turn from any lane, really anywhere, is also A-OK. Why not? That's what American freedom is all about, isn't?

I Have Nowhere To Go; I Assume You Don't Either.

Highway driving in Houston, especially in busy areas on I-45 or the 610 Loop can get pretty hairy during traffic times. But this has nothing to do with the speed of driving that goes on during non-traffic drive. Does everyone know that the speed limit is 60 miles per hour? You know that means you can drive at that velocity? Just checking because you are all driving 40.

I Am An Accountant/Doctor/Office Assistant; Of Course I Have An F-150. There are plenty of people who legitimately need large trucks with long beds to transport heavy machinery and building materials and many such people live and work in Houston. But then there are all those other people who own humongous 4-door, F-150s or Chevy Silverado 1500s and these people are CPAs. Are you worried that you will have just way too much paperwork to haul home? Guy who works in sales -- does that flatbed provide you an opportunity to transfer drunken clients home after you close the deal during an evening at BreWingZ? Why do you need such a large truck? It just puts you in the terrible position to be able to help people move when they ask, and who wants to help anyone move? It doesn't even snow here so don't say you like the four-wheel drive.

Roads? Where We're Going We Don't Need Roads.

No one likes sitting in a crowded exit lane, inching along as each car ahead of you finally makes their way to the traffic light that is causing a cluster on the feeder road. But that's the way of life and we all live here. Or is it? Why wait like your average schmo when you can just drive over the grass onto the feeder road? No, it's not a lawful exit lane, but... what? Did you just say something to me? I couldn't hear you. Houstonian drivers have no qualms about making their own exit lanes when the situation demands one. Maybe that's why everyone has trucks.

 What Is This "Passing Lane" You Speak Of?

Half of the traffic issue facing Houston is due to the fact that no one understands the brilliant concept behind "the passing lane." Let me explain it, it's a lane on the highway that is used to pass cars that are going slower than you in the next lane. Here's the kicker though, once you pass those other cars, you get out of the passing lane in the event that someone, I don't know, may want to pass you. That's it! It's seems so simple, but it's just not. It's like some Mensa-shit.

I Can't Pay Attention Right Now Because I Am On My Phone.

10 Houston Drivers You Know Or Are One Of

Whether this is a Houston-only thing or not (I assume not), we are dreadfully guilty of not paying attention to the road due to incredibly important phone calls from our sisters/mothers/friends about their lunches. I know; I do it too. And, like you, I too think that I am driving just fine; that is until I realize I am going 40 in a 60. (see "I Have No Where To Go...")

A Truck Isn't a Compact Car? That Was a Real Question.

At Whole Foods
At Whole Foods

No. It's not.   Ahhh!!! It's Raining! Everyone Drive Like This Is The First Time They've Ever Driven Before! Given our proximity and standard weather patterns, one would think we would be used to the amount of rain that we get annually. Sometimes it rains a lot, and sometimes we all say, "Wow, we need the rain," during our small talk exchanges. But it could rain every day for the rest of our lives and we Houstonians would drive like it was our first time. Every sprinkling is like losing our virginity on prom night; we are in an intense state of panic, have no idea what the hell is going on and so we close our eyes and hope for the best.

It's 2 p.m./4.a.m./11 p.m./any time Of The Day, Of Course There's Traffic. It is not the fault of Houstonians that no matter what time of the day or night it is there will be traffic wherever you go, but I do have to ask where everyone is going all the time? It is more the fault of expansion and construction that is necessary for the city's growth, but hell if it doesn't feel totally confused, disorganized and EVERYWHERE. It's as if the city's planning committee just threw darts at a map and wherever the darts landed, that's where construction would take place. But they threw 15,000 darts and they were drunk and thought it would be hilarious to have all of this construction happen on Saturday afternoons when everyone is trying to get to the Galleria for a sale at Macy's.

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