So. The. Internet. Is. Annoying.

No?

No?

Nom?

Nom? Nom? Nom?

Nom? Nom? Nom? Nom? Nom? Nom? Nom? Nom?

This is so going viral.

#viral

#hashtag

#viralhashtag

#hashtagviral

Going viral/went viral

A video of a cat humping a dog goes viral. Some skater dude faceplanting into a cement pillar went viral. A clip of someone on the toilet is about to go viral.

The term, referred to as a video or link getting shared over and over again on social media, is now similar to the substance-less “breaking news” that television news has beat to death.

We’re sure it has occurred, but just in case it hasn’t, we can’t wait for the day when somebody posts: “Breaking News: Going Viral.”


Mah

A substitute for “my” that doesn’t make any sense because nobody actually says “mah” or sounds out “mah” unless it’s a baby trying to learn how to talk.

So basically, Internet speak and baby talk are the same thing.

Got it.


Broke the Internet, nearly broke the Internet

When something goes viral, or if a boneheaded football play happens during a live game and Twitter overreacts, or if nudie photos of a celebrity are posted online, the Internet “breaks” and/or “implodes” because things have gotten so crazy insane that the entire e-world can’t take it.

Here’s something that’s actually insane: the Syrian Civil War.


Any meme that’s not posted by John “Inzane” Olson

The Houston Chronicle is a gross offender of posting slideshows, especially after sports games, of memes that are so incredibly lame. (Crying Michael Jordan? Never seen that one before.)

John “Inzane” Olson (a.k.a. wolf_eyes_psychojazz), author of Life Is a Rip-Off, a member of Wolf Eyes and Pink Chunk Jazz Band, inventor of “trip metal,” and a complete Internet nutcase, posts the most “inzane” memes. It’s one of the only joyful things about the sad and depressing Internet.


Mansplaining and other similar portmanteaus

The informal combination of “man” and “explaining” (mansplaining) or “man” and “interrupting” (manterrupting) or “man” and “cramps” (mamps) was kind of, sort of cute for a minute.

Not anymore.

It’s not because we think the portmanteau words are a form of manslamming. We just think it’s tired.

The only one that flies in our book: mandals, a.k.a. man sandals.

He-he.


Starting a status update, blog post, etc. with “So, …”

This started in the LiveJournal blogging days.

“So, my bike is getting rusty.”

“So, I was thinking about Joanie Loves Chachi the other day. So random.”

“So, I’m pregnant.”

Good for you.

With no inches or word counts in play, and without the time pressures of a deadline, you’d think recreational bloggers would use the extra time to craft a more creative lead.


Citizen journalists

Participatory or street journalism can be important when reporting on serious topics, like war and police shootings.

What we’re talking about here are the local news channels that put out calls to their army of “citizen journalists” (people who somehow have time to watch the noon news at home and find it interesting enough to take time to be “informed”) to submit “phone pics” of a sunset or the rain. “And make sure to post it to our Facebook page with the hashtag #freemarketingforusyousuckers,” news anchors often say, or something.

Say “citizen journalism” in the context of taking a crooked photo of a rainbow and uploading it to Instagram, and you might as well be sexually assaulting our elderly, bedridden mother.