1993: The Greatest Year for Movies in the History of Movies Ever?
The year 1993 was awesome.
I mean, in what other year could cinema reach the heights of Schindler's List, Philadelphia, The Piano, Tombstone, The Fugitive, True Romance and Short Cuts while also providing us with Demolition Man, Leprechaun and Surf Ninjas?
Let's see, 1993, of course, that year after 1992 and before 1994, when gangster rap and grunge were still king and we were begging our parents for Zubaz pants.
And I haven't even mentioned Falling Down, Groundhog Day, What's Eating Gilbert Grape?, Grumpy Old Men, Dazed And Confused and Mrs. Doubtfire.
In just weeks, Jurassic Park will be re-released in 3D for nostalgic Gen-Y dopes like me to enjoy all over again. Hold on to your butts.
How many of these movies from 1993 could I watch over and over again? Almost all of them. Even the underrated presidential comedy Dave, with Kevin Kline and Sigourney Weaver. That film introduced me to the magic of Frank Langella, Kevin Dunn and Ving Rhames.
Sure, 1993 also featured Cop & A Half, Mr. Nanny and Super Mario Bros. stinking up the theaters, but if you see any of those on basic cable, you stop folding laundry for at least five minutes.
What about the '93 movies that didn't win Oscars? The ones that don't feature a naked Harvey Keitel or Tom Hanks with AIDS, that is....
Last Action Hero
The heartwarming tale of Danny Madigan finding a father figure in the hard-bitten Jack Slater gets me every time, and I listen to AC/DC's "Big Gun" to cheer myself up on bad days. Plus, it's an Arnold movie, which immediately makes it better than most things.
Dennis The Menace
Mason Gamble and Walter Matthau (rocking a late-career renaissance) breathe life into the Menace world, while Christopher Lloyd plays the grodiest pedophile around. Gamble would spend the late '90s in Houston filming Rushmore and Arlington Road, oddly enough.
A new Michael Jackson song, the lovely Lori Petty and another nickname for fat kids all over the world to endure was all we got out of Free Willy.
My Boyfriend's Back
Johnny Dingle was a teen zombie before teen zombie could be sexy. Look for Philip Seymour Hoffman and Matthew Fox as high school kids, too. Let's hope no one ever remakes this one. Wait, did Warm Bodies count?
The '90s loved ninjas. There were 3 Ninjas, a Beverly Hills Ninja, turtles that were ninjas, and even American ninjas.
Addams Family Values
The sequel to the surprise 1991 hit was a bit forced (the title alone), but Joan Cusack made it watchable.
I get this one and Newsies mixed up all the time. They both had Christian Bale in them, right?
Son In Law
'Caaaa-razzzzy Boy" Pauly Shore strikes out on his own, post-Encino Man, for a farm comedy with Carla Gugino, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Lane Smith and the fat ginger from The Sandlot. "Steven Tyler PJs" still makes me laugh, and has ruined every Aerosmith show I have seen since. And so has Steven Tyler.
This inspiring flick gave shrimps all over the country reason to believe they could play college football, and emergency-room doctors knew they would never be bored.
Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit
Maybe the worst pun ever on a film marquee. Give Beyoncé five more years and this gets remade. If the Catholic Church still exists.
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey
"Chance," "Shadow" and "Sassy" topped every list of pet names for 1993. That's not true, but it sounds plausible.
I always thought the real attraction to the first two Beethoven movies wasn't the mischievous Saint Bernard but the acting of Charles Grodin. I don't know how a man with such a temper would be allowed to have children. But then I remember my dad and I smile. Grodin didn't stick around for the next five Beethoven movies, obviously.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III
Sometimes I think filmmakers in the early '90s thought kids were stupider than mud pies. I walked out of this one halfway through to play a Ninja Turtles arcade game in the lobby, that is how bad it was.
Army of Darkness
And a whole new generation of creeps discovered the magic of Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell.
At least the soundtrack ruled. Sonic Youth and Cypress Hill together on the same track? Sure! It was the '90s!
Before this movie, starring Willow's Warwick Davis, I didn't fear the diminutive Irish gents. After this movie, I hid in my room every St. Patrick's Day, for fear of certain death.
The Man Without a Face A Perfect World
Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner both went against type for these roles. The Man Without A Face is still one of Gibson's better movies, and I still wish Costner had played more villains when he was younger. He's playing grandpas these days.
The Good Son
Macaulay Culkin gone rillllll bad. Mac made this after Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and before The Nutcracker, confounding his fans who were used to him being cute and not some sort of demon spawn.
Rookie Of The Year The Sandlot
I still cannot believe these two kids baseball movies hit theaters just months apart. I saw each multiple times at the theater, and plenty of guys my age still quote each film, even on their wedding days.
Why did a film about college football players need to include a scene with players lying down in traffic to prove their courage? Because fuck it, that's why.
Along with 1996's The Craft, this Bette Midler vehicle turned plenty of young, impressionable girls into goths, or so I have been told.
Everyone was in this movie from the first and second golden ages of SNL. The ones that were alive, that is. Even Garrett Morris and Tim Meadows played black Coneheads.
Wayne's World 2 So I Married An Axe Murder
Still waiting patiently on that Wayne's World 3 project. Those random MTV appearances years back weren't enough. Let's see Wayne and Garth tackle indie-rock and YouTube.
The Meteor Man
When is the big-screen reboot of Meteor Man with Nick Cannon? Never? You guys aren't any fun.
Robin Hood: Men In Tights Loaded Weapon 1 Hot Shots! Part Deux Fatal Instinct
Nineteen ninety-three was good to zany film spoofs but bad for audiences. None of these have aged very well.
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