4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

I remember when I first started playing video games again after a long hiatus. That was in the PS2 days, and one of those games was God of War. I was shocked that in addition to allowing increasingly ridiculous amounts of ultra violence into gaming, it was now apparently OK to also whip out titties.

It's understandable. My generation was one of the first to grow up with video games, and now that they're all adults they deal with more adult themes. That's why you can't have a crime drama, hack and slash, or science fiction adventure without a strip club or prostitution minigame these days.

Actually, as it turns out, if I'd wanted to see gratuitous sex in video games, my real problem was I should have been born earlier. Way, way earlier.

4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

Lover Boy In 1983 there was a company named Global Corporation Tokyo and they made a single arcade game called Lover Boy. It's essentially a Pac-Man clone, but instead of an anthropomorphic circle with a taste for ectoplasm you play a nude rapist armed only with a fedora and an impressive boner. Your job is to wander the maze chasing four girls who will scream "Help me!" when you get close and avoided being caught by the policeman or the dog.

If you manage to catch the girls, you are treated to a scene like the one above where you are supposed to rape so good that she enjoys it and doesn't want to get away. What little information that can be found of this game points to it probably being the sort of thing you'd find in an adult bookstore, and thankfully not a regular arcade. Still, it's sort of impressive that it accurately predicted both Rapelay and terrible men in fedoras 30 years early.

4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

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Gigolo People say that game developers don't reach out enough to women, and that just ignores a lot of history. Consider Playaround, who took over making horny Atari 2600 games from Mystique. Playaround said, "By God, we're making terrible games that objectify women in a highly sexualized manner and that is unfair. It must be stopped!"

Their solution? For every game that had a male protagonist they made a port with a different name starring a female antagonist. That's right, a cheap porn peddler beat Mass Effect to the punch.

Of course, in the case the punch is games like Gigolo. It's a memory game where you watch men go into different houses, and then if you enter the right house you get several seconds of cowgirl action. For this you make money. If you wanted to play a guy, the game was called Cat House Blues, but regardless you were looking at a kind of true, if terrible equality in gaming the likes of which is rarely seen in the supposedly more enlightened times.

This story continues on the next page. 

4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

Custer's Revenge One of the reasons Mystique went under was the famous Custer's Revenge for the Atari 2600. In it, a cowboy with an improbably long dick must dodge arrows from above in order to reach a Native American woman tied to a cactus. Then he shows her what a real prick is!

... I'm really sorry about that pun.

Anyway, the game was protested by everyone from women's groups to outraged Native Americans and eventually it went away. Some terrible people did remake it for the 20th century, giving our hero the ability to knock down arrows with well-timed ejaculations. Even before that, Playaround tried to redeem the game by altering it into Western Ho in the '80s. In that remake, the Native woman gives an inviting hand gesture to the player, indicating her desire is consensual. I really can't stress how proud I am of Playaround for trying so hard to try and be progressive in their sleaze. If Ubisoft gave a quarter of as much a damn gaming would be a much better place.

4 Classic Video Games for Ridiculous Perverts (NSFW)

X-Man This is another game which was the sole title of its studio, in this case Universal Games. X-Man was a maze runner where you had to dodge crabs, scissors, and chomping teeth to eventually get to a door. Do so, and a few seconds of hot, pixilated doggie style were yours to behold.

Personally, I'm wondering what it would be like to edit all these scenes into a compilation with '70s porn music because I'm having trouble believing anyone was ever capable of arousal with that Atari sound card screaming in your ear.

In a strange way, X-Man is kind of a brilliant game. Your avatar is a figure whose penis is so impressively long that his sprite looks like he's sporting a third foot always extended for a kick. Yet the enemies are all symbols of castration. When you finally "win" your sex, even the animation is somewhat pitiful, awkward, and slow. It's literally a pathetic justification you earn after passing through a horde of inner psychosis related to your cock.

In short, if this was someone's idea of satire of modern masculinity's need for reinforcement then it's a damned good one.


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