4 Most Ridiculous Groups Waging a War on Halloween
Not that one... well, maybe that one too.
We've all been told there is a war on Christmas, and if there is it would be perfectly understandable. After all, the last thing we saw increasingly annexing this much territory every year was Nazi Germany. I'm not trying to compare a holiday to the Holocaust or anything, just that November and now October have fallen to Santa like Poland and France fell to Hitler.
All horribly inappropriate humor aside, Christmas is safe. In part I'm sure from all those brave souls who risk their lives urging us to keep Christ in Christmas from the bumpers of their Kias. It's Halloween that is now under attack from all sides, and I do mean all sides. The beloved American tradition descended from various pagan rites has always had its detractors, of course, but in recent years they've branched into social media to try and take their assault on the Pumpkin King viral.
Today we expose those parties. Not because they are any kind of an actual threat. Protecting Halloween motivated the candy industry to alter time itself in a way the Doctor would've been edgy trying. No, we're just here to laugh at them.
It's probably not a surprise that the same kind of people that believe Harry Potter would lead people to Satan think Halloween is the lube that lets the Devil in your back door nice and easy. Those people could point out that the best parts of Harry Potter, such as love, magic, bitch-slapping demons, raising from the dead, and taming dragons, are all things J. K. Rowling ripped off from Jesus, but they burn books instead. Their approach to Halloween is equally silly.
Jesus Ween is a global initiative that is supposed to expose people to the teachings of Christ. The organization claims the world sets aside October 31 every year to celebrate ungodly images and evil beings, so they wish to combat it by calling it Jesus Ween or, and I swear I'm not making this up, World Evangelism Day. How do they go about their work? By handing out pamphlets on Jesus you can print out on their website to trick or treaters.
They aren't even the awesome ones by Jack Chick that are at least fun to read. Instead you get bland, unimaginative scripture over stock pictures of kids. At least they're providing amusement by having Chest Strongwell mad at them.
Occupy Wall Street
Just to show you that it's not only conservatives that are out trying to smash your pumpkins, Occupy Wall Street has apparently taken some time out from still pretending to relevance in order to screw up someone's Halloween. Manhattan's Trinity Church is famous for its extravagant Halloween activities, drawing crowds of over a thousand every year. It's a beloved annual New York tradition, but this year it won't be happening because of OWS.
OWS have set up in front of the church, and according to spokeswoman Linda Hanick nine people have been arrested so far for illegal activities within the encampment. One of these involved a church worker being blasted with an air horn at close range. Out of concern for the safety of those who might want to trick or treat in the courtyard or see the spooky movies that the church regularly screens, all non-worship activities have been cancelled for October 31.
"We're determined that this situation is not going to threaten any of our ministries and events and all of the good work we do," Hanick told Fox News. "However, the Halloween event is a little different, with children coming into the church after dark. We just felt that out of an abundance of caution that this was not a friendly, safe environment to hold Halloween activities."
You've probably noticed that more than one school has changed Halloween to Fall Festival, and may even ban costuming altogether. There are a lot of perfectly legitimate reasons to do this, such as kids that can't afford costumes feeling left out, safety issues involving masks, distractions, etc. No, Fox News, it's not an immigrant plot and shame on you. You were doing so well in that last entry.
Ohio University's Students Teaching About Racism in Society hasn't declared war on Halloween in schools, just on certain costumes. Their ad campaign is centered on ending what they consider ethnically offensive costumes, such as geishas that might upset Asian students. I sympathize with what they're trying to do here. God knows we need less racism in the world, in addition to fewer dumbasses that think dressing as a sheik with fake dynamite strapped to their waists is funny or clever.
But really? A geisha outfit offends Asian students? It's a historical costume. There was a New York Times bestselling book and hit movie about geishas being marketed at us from every angle not too long back. You can't define a race by a job. Look, I'm a white male in my 30s. Almost every serial killer, slasher, and human monster in film history fits my profile. Does that mean I should tell a kid that he can't dress as Dracula or Leatherface? No one with a working frontal cortex believes for a second all Asian girls are geishas. Let it go.
Witchcraft tastes like a Gummi Bear's bowel movement
I hate to draw water from the same well here, but once again a wacky reason to hate Halloween comes from the Christian right. You should keep your children from trick or treating because the candy is dangerous. Not to your health from all the processed sugar, and certainly not because of the dangers of strangers poisoning the treats. There isn't a single real case of candy poisoning by a stranger that has ever checked out. Usually it's the parents doing it.
No, the reason Halloween candy is so awful is that the majority of it is prayed over by witches. Wait, what?
The Christian Broadcast Network released, then quickly took down, this blog from Kimberly Daniels in 2009. In addition to claiming that Halloween now rivals Christmas in popularity and that stores sell only Halloween paraphernalia during October, Daniels believes that curses can be hidden in candy like tiny little demonic sleeper cells ready to car bomb your child's soul. Let's quote.
During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.
I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.
Daniels gives absolutely no link to show us where candy makers get these confection witches, or even why they don't hire them year round if the goal is widespread damnation. It's not like kids don't eat candy if it's not Halloween. What about Easter?
The same Hershey's company that makes delicious chocolate crucifixes (Available in white, milk, and dark!) for celebrating Christ's rebirth makes most of the candy that will circulate in kid's bloodstreams in a couple of weeks. Is Lucifer only allowed to drizzle his temptation like caramel on one day of the year? That's strangely helpful of him. Or maybe the whole thing is just stupid.
Get the Theater and Arts Newsletter
Exclusive discounts and announcements to Houston theater shows and art events