In honor of his passing and for the fact that he prevented the Rapture by giving God the big elbow, we would deeply appreciate it if you would imagine the following article in Macho Man Randy Savage's voice. Thanks.
For those of us whose brains are not full of Flavor-Aid and fire ants who illegally entered America through the Southern border, John McCain's daughter Meghan McCain is the sole voice of conservative reason in the country. So when you team her up with Michael Ian Black, whose association with The State makes him one of the 12 funniest people on the planet by default, then you know that whatever results is going to be a nice mixture of common sense and uncommon humor.
That's why when we heard that the two of them were joining forces to write a book called Stupid for America we did a little dance, made a little love, and did in fact get on that night. Plus, the writing involves the two teaming up to tour through the territories in order to ask Americans their backward-ass political opinions on just about every subject under the sun. Assuming the two of them survive the many head injuries self-induced by facepalming themselves, we'd like to go on record saying that this will be one of the books that defines American culture for generations to come.
Why stop there, though? Why let McCain and Black dominate the Psuedo-Politician/Comedian Tag Team Division? Art Attack believes that there are plenty of candidates to make for an all out Texas Tornado match of wit, words, and WTF. Here are our suggestions for those teams, and in the interest of fairness we have chosen an equal number of conservatives and liberals, and no, Michael Moore does not count as more than one person.
Hopefully you remember Carrie Prejean, the Miss Universe contestant who shot to conservative fame for bravely upholding traditional family families in one hand and herself in the other for the online viewing pleasure of her boyfriend. She did write a book about her life and her defense of her conservative system of beliefs, and we read every page while waiting in line at the supermarket. She's probably the least qualified thinker on this list, but does make up for it in beauty.
Especially because her partner is perennial bridge troll Patton Oswalt. For our money, Oswalt is the voice of the generation, the new Carlin and Hicks. His biting condemnation of America's mouthbreathing is the perfect sneak attack to unleash on the population while Prejean keeps them hypnotized with boobs and Republican eloquence. The two of them define the disparity of the nation, and teamed up they can bring it together.
We tried to abstain from Hollywood while compiling out liberal mouthpieces, but A) Moore is a documentary filmmaker, not exactly the vapid action or romantic comedy star, and B) he guests frequently on liberal pundit shows. When conservatives think of the most obnoxious, elitist version of liberalism in America they're thinking of Moore. However, he's got the chops when it comes to getting his point across, and his research is usually pretty good.
For his partner we choose the one and only Ron White. While he's not a howling conservative, and indeed takes a pretty centrist position on a lot of social issues, he does come across as a pretty right-leaning guy. His laid back demeanor is a good counterpoint to Moore's drive, and his ability to allow zealots rope enough to lynch themselves should prove to be good for laughs at Moore's expense. A look at the country using Moore's research techniques and White's down-home outlook would be a potent bit of distilled America.
We've always gotten a kick out of Michael Steele, former head of the Republican National Convention. He was often the point man responsible for explaining away lapses in judgment of the Republican Party, a dirty job he handled with good humor and a smile. Since his resignation he's been a frequent guest on Rachel Maddow, and seems even happier and more at ease with himself and his beliefs.
We think the perfect tag team partner for him would be Al Franken. Like Moore and Hollywood, we've shied away from actual politicians for the purpose of the article, but Franken brings Saturday Night Live cred to the table. Anyone who has read his books can attest to the strength in his writing, and when you add his particular comedic flair to Steele's presence the result can only be a bold look at the realities of part politics.
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Vowell is the author of half a dozen wonderful books about American history with a pretty leftist slant. Still, she's funny, her knowledge of history is unquestionable, and as far as pop political nerds go she's in a class all by herself. We don't see her on TV enough, in our opinion, but whenever she is on you can count on her to illuminate and entertain.
One man comes to mind when you're talking about conservative comedians, and that man is Dennis Miller. Once upon a time we were a big fan of Miller, then it seems like he just took it all too seriously one day and forgot to be funny. As the Simpons said, "Isn't that the voice that caused all those suicides?" Paired with Vowell, as adorable and guileless a person as you could ever want to meet, we might actually see some of the old Miller return. His intelligence is undeniable; it's his irreverence we miss.