5 Apps to Make You Feel Bad About Yourself
Meet your new girlfriend.
Just today we were perusing the iTunes App Store looking for a pointless way to waste a buck when we stumbled upon an app called "My Virtual Girlfriend." Maybe we are a few months behind the times, but this app is nuts. Based on the description, "My Virtual Girlfriend" is a simulation "game" wherein you can choose from hundreds of girls who will interact with you in a "funny and flirty dialog." You even have the freedom to change your VG's hair, clothing, skin and face so she really becomes the girl of your dreams. Uh, yikes!
We don't want to judge (okay, we do), but how depressing? We'll assume that most people are buying this app as a good laugh, but there are surely some lonely dudes out there looking for a 99-cent girl to keep them warm at night or at the very least laugh at their jokes.
If there is one downfall to the app universe, it is that you can cheaply feed your poor self-esteem with an abundance of solutions that remind you of what a loser you really are. Misery loves company and the app store is all the companionship a person needs.
Down and out on your luck? Feeling like a failure? Got dumped? Spotted another gray hair? There's an app for that. Here are our top five apps to make you feel bad about yourself.
5. My Vampire Boyfriend
This app will not give you her life.
Let's get the obvious out of the way -- you will not get a vampire boyfriend by using this app. Now let's talk about why you are a loser. Well, you are searching for a virtual boyfriend, so there's that. Plus, you want that guy to be a creature of the night, which is a double whammy! The description of this "game" invites you to embark on a "quest to get the best vampire boyfriend and ultimately become a vampire yourself." Is this what you want for your life? Is getting the "best" vampire boyfriend, because naturally there are many to choose from (over 10,000, in fact), your ambition? And is your ultimate goal love at first bite? Please stop reading Twilight novels and watching the CW and go out into the daylight. Your parents are getting concerned. 4. Ugly Meter
Have you been made to feel unattractive lately? Has someone called you ugly? Do you want to finally find out just how buttafaced you are? This app has got you covered. "The Ugly Meter" takes a picture of your face and runs it through its startlingly accurate Ugly Scale to produce a 1-10 rating of your mug. What makes this even worse is that you can immediately post your ratings on Facebook or Twitter so the entire world can dump on you. We would hate to know how this app might shatter someone with an already bruised ego. It's best not to test this, and to assume if you were really ugly you would already know...which you probably do.
Do you really want to know?
"See your future," the description states. This app ani-morphs your current visage into an old and haggard version of yourself. Thanks, technology! If there is something we've been dying to know, it's just how wrinkled and disgusting we will become in the future. While this app is meant to be funny, whoever created it obviously has never had one of those nightmares where you wake up after a night of excess to a saggy, puffy-eyed, craggy version of yourself, only to realize that you are awake! Give us a youngify app and we'll gladly hand over a dollar. 2. Virtual Weight Loss Model
Okay, you need to drop a few lbs. The app store is great for workouts, calorie counting, BMI tracking, carb cutting and any other slim-down assistance you can imagine. Now, let's just say that you want to lose weight, but you're not sure if you should bother. Why go through all that effort without envisioning the results first? Rather than assisting you in your diet, the "Weight Loss Model" just shows you what you could look like if you lose the weight that you most likely should. It's a virtual slap in the face if we've ever seen one. Hey, you could look all skinny and hot, but you don't... because you're fat.
1. Justin Booth
This is not an app that officially exists to mock and scorn you; it does that by proxy. With "Justin Booth," you snap a photo of yourself and your current coiffure gives way to Justin's famous 'do. Are you a loser if you love Justin Bieber? No. Do you need to hide the fact that you kinda dig his new single "Boyfriend?" Yes, but you still have some dignity. However, if you dare spend even a dollar to download an app that transforms your hair into the famous tresses of the Bieb, we have no sympathy for you. You deserve to be made fun of.
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.
More Arts News
- Joachim Wtewael at MFAH: Who Knew a 17th-century Dutch Painter Could Be So Shocking?
Tue., Dec. 8, 7:30pm
Sat., Dec. 19, 3:00pm
Sat., Dec. 19, 7:00pm
Sun., Dec. 27, 2:00pm
- Ho Ho Humbug Returns With a New Slimmer Santa Story
- Houston's Best Holiday Lights Displays Are Lit Up for the Season