5 Bachelors for Martha Stewart to Date
Martha Stewart is a busy lady. She's running an empire, fighting legal battles with several retailers, constantly showing up to daily talk shows to give lessons on how to properly clean your whites and/or bake a cake in the shape of a birdhouse, and now she's also online dating. Stewart has said that she's getting a bit lonely and so, as she is a modern woman, she made herself a profile on Match.com, or probably had one of her minions do it for her.
Regardless, Stewart has gotten more than 20,000 pageviews and roughly 1,000 date offers from various gentlemen who are interested in the domestic diva and all of the petits fours and floral arrangements she has to offer. Last Thursday, after narrowing the enormous list down to two men, she met them on The Today Show, just like your average first date. And like your average first date it was awkward, with lulls in the conversation, and a needling Matt Lauer on hand.
The two gentlemen in question seem like nice enough guys; one's a director who loves dogs and a good glass of wine, and the other is an international steel trader who likes swimming in the ocean and his two kids. Neither one mentioned a great love for organizing closets, however. Stewart needs someone who can handle her crazy schedule and the spotlight. May I suggest a few bachelors that she might enjoy sharing a slice of her famous French apple pie with (if you know what I mean).
5. Jon Voight
Russian Grand Ballet Presents Sleeping Beauty
TicketsWed., Oct. 5, 7:00pm
Mamma Mia! (Touring)
TicketsThu., Oct. 6, 7:30pm
Plastic Cup Boyz
TicketsThu., Nov. 10, 7:00pm
Jersey Boys (Touring)
TicketsTue., Nov. 15, 7:30pm
The Legend of Zelda: Symphony of the Goddesses - Master Quest
TicketsFri., Nov. 18, 8:00pm
I think Stewart could do a world of good in Jon Voight's life. His personal life is anything but Hollywood typical; he's got that on-again-off-again relationship with his daughter, he's a Tea Party member and he has been very vocal about his opposition to President Obama. These are not traits I see Stewart liking, but Voight did go from a young, wild liberal to a more mature conservative and Stewart might just find that dedication to a cause hot. She too has a very dedicated personality, especially when it comes to simple but elegant holiday decorations.
4. Arnold Schwarzenegger
Is that a handmade hat?
If the world thought it was hilarious watching Schwarzenegger attempt to monitor the behaviors of kindergarteners, imagine how funny it will be to watch the guy attempt to knit a chenille sweater out of leftover lint from a dryer filter. That would be classic. Plus, given his marital blunder, he is probably in need of a second chance, and no one knows second chances better than Stewart.
3. Donny DeutschThey both like Indian food. Look at the sparks fly!
Deutsch is a bit younger than Stewart, but there's nothing wrong with a little cradle robbing every now and then, right? Deutsch is the perfect match for Stewart since both are top executives with boatloads of money. Additionally, both are television personalities, Deutsch has had a few of his own shows, including CNBC'sThe Big Idea with Donny Deutsch.
Since both of them are regulars onThe Today Show
, it wouldn't be weird at all if the producers just happened to lock them in the green room together and pretend that the key was lost while cameras rolled for all to see. I would watch at least two minutes of that if it was live-streaming to see if they make out.
2. Al Pacino
Martha would never allow this headband.
Al Pacino and Martha Stewart seemingly have nothing in common. He's a sloppy-looking, loud, melodramatic actor who has never been married yet has three children. And Stewart is a buttoned-up, softspoken, "feelings are for sissies"-type of alpha female who was married for 20 years with one child. But is she a Godfather fan, because who isn't? This is just crazy enough to work!
1. Calvin Klein
They are adorbs together.
I am not sure whether Klein is a professed homosexual or not. He has allegedly been in a relationship with a young male porn star, but he was also married twice to women and has a daughter to prove it. He and Stewart would be a shocking couple, but they already have Macy's as a built-in sponsor and isn't that half the battle in any relationship? I would call their couple name "Marvin."
Get the Theater Newsletter
Get a rundown of upcoming theater events and ticket deals in Houston.