5 Most Bizarre Kids Show Entries on Conservapedia

Pictured: Your reaction in about three minutes
Pictured: Your reaction in about three minutes

One of my favorite things in the world to do when I'm down is to go hit the random button on Andrew Schafly's "answer" to the liberal bias of Wikipedia, Conservapedia. If you've ever had to wean yourself off of hallucinogenic drugs and were looking for the LSD-version of methadone then I can't recommend the experience enough because it's literally the prose incarnation of the bats scene in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Except that the bats in this case are gay liberals looking to sneak homosocialism into your poop chute while you're standing your ground against colored people snorting weed off their fancy Obama phones.

It's a little skeeeeeeeewed is what your buddy With One F is a-trying to say.

Conservatives being the side of the political coin that is supposed to be the most protective of the world's children and the sanctity of family life (provided that it's the sort of family life you only remember from black-and-white television), I thought it might be fun to see what the proper Conservapedia take on various children's shows would be. What do people that lean further to the right than Jack Sparrow drunk on land after a month at sea think of...

Here Duke Nukem prays to the ghost of Ayn Rand for a vote on Cap and Trade to fail
Here Duke Nukem prays to the ghost of Ayn Rand for a vote on Cap and Trade to fail

Captain Planet and the Planeteers All in all there are fewer than a 100 children's shows with entries on Conservapedia. I can only assume it's because the writers are lazy, but maybe it's because even hard-right conservatives love Animaniacs too much to find liberal fault in the show. Let's hope for the latter.

Contrary to what you might think if you're one of the people that still remembers the "Eek, a Gay" scandals involving Teletubbies and Spongebob Sqauarepants the typical demon of Conservapedia is usually how children's shows promote environmentalism (Which is against conservative values provided you never look up the definition of the word "conservation" and stick with just hating Al Gore's weird face). In Cap's example, the 79-word entry blasts the show for following New Age-ism because of the Earth goddess Gaia, and laments that no one understands that "pollution is a necessary and unavoidable component of any industry or economic venture."

Which is why for the purpose of writing this article, an economic venture for which I am receiving a paycheck, I've randomly pooped somewhere that will ensure my feces will end up in a Houstonian's drinking water. I'm sure they will be able to taste the free market with every swallow.

Spongebob Squarepants Just because the hullabaloo around Spongebob and Patrick's same-sex marriage and parenthood has died down doesn't mean that the folks at Conservapedia can't still find something to clutch their pearls about. The entry starts off pretty legit, actually, with things like facts and brief but utterly accurate character descriptions. Ah, the sweet smell of unbiased sense. It smells like a chocolate daffodil.

Still, they just can't help themselves. The final sentence reads, "On at least one occasion, the show has been caught making statements implying that global warming is caused by humans." First of all, a show cannot be "caught" doing something because a show is not an actual sentient object no matter how cute Sandy Cheeks is. If you want to say the maker's of the show were "caught" doing so, that's more accurate, though I'm not sure how someone purposely broadcasting to millions of people can be "caught" either.

Look, I understand that the idea that the results of human industry might be somehow harmful makes conservatives cry, but facts are facts. The greenhouse effect caused CO2 emissions has been confirmed by every single reliable study, and humanity's hand in exacerbating that has also been recognized. The fact that a cartoon intended for grade schoolers can't even get that point across is proof that we really should have started getting the lead out of paint earlier in our history.

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Nope, can't figure out for the life of me why every man I know in his 30s remembers this show so fondly.
Nope, can't figure out for the life of me why every man I know in his 30s remembers this show so fondly.

Thundercats This one is so short I will quote it in its entirety...

The Thundercats was an American cartoon series which ran from 1985 to 1987. It never achieved wide popularity. The nonsensical plot surrounds a group of cat-human hybrids, the "Thundercats," who battle against Mumm-Ra, a necromancer.

As to the popularity that Thundercats achieved, walk into any crowded mall in America and shout "Thundercats! Thundercats! Thundercats!" If you do not receive a chorus of "HOOOOOOOOOOS!" in response then you have mistaken the crawl space where you keep the bodies for a mall. Also, I don't think that we can really take the word of a source that believes that Pangea split into the current continental alignment in the course of a few thousand years (A rate so fast you would literally be able to see it happening) all that seriously when deciding what is and is not nonsensical. In other news, the entry about talking vegetables apparently doesn't warrant the term "nonsensical".

You know what the best part of this is? The term "necromancer" links to the Conservapedia entry on Wicca. So if you're ever fighting a Wiccan just show them his or her face in a mirror and watch them disappear.

Reading comprehension! It's not just for other ethnic people anymore!
Reading comprehension! It's not just for other ethnic people anymore!

Dora the Explorer I know what you're thinking because I thought it too, but you're wrong. Invasive brown people never come up.

What's really fascinating about Conservapedia is how each entry tells you way more about the person who wrote it than it tells you about the subject being discussed. Especially these short ones under 200 words. Again, I will quote the whole thing...

Dora the Explorer (2000 - ) is an animated educational cartoon broadcast to English-speaking preschoolers. The tomboyish title character uses a map and a magic backpack to find places and help people. Viewers learn English vocabulary and a smattering of Spanish.

It's the "smattering of Spanish" that is so illuminating about the author because Dora doesn't teach English vocabulary words at all. Every episode assumes you already know these words in English, and then tells you how to say them in Spanish. It teaches English vocabulary the same way Caillou teaches kids to whine for what they want; they already know it, but are looking for new and exotic ways to annoy you with that knowledge.

What this says to me is that a grown person who enjoys Dora the Explorer went out of his way to try and include it under the safe umbrella of conservative thought while at the same time trying to preemptively head off any criticism by downplaying the show's multiculturalism. I'm not sure what sort of life leads to needing that level of justification and approval, but I'm willing to bet the phrase "supervised visitation" came up at some point.

Congratulations for getting this far
Congratulations for getting this far

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic The idea that there are conservative bronies is a little far-fetched, and for sure there's no love expressed on the Conservapedia entry. The only things that are discussed are whether or not Pinkie Pie's Pinkie Sense is a stand-in for faith in Jesus, and whether or not Canterlot is a capitalist hell hole as opposed to the socialist utopia of Ponyville. Let's focus on the former.

In the episode "Feeling Pinkie Keen" it's revealed that Pinkie Pie can predict danger in the near future with 100 percent accuracy, an ability that Twilight Sparkle says is scientifically impossible and spends the rest of the episode trying to disprove it. Eventually, Twilight agrees that some things are real whether or not you can understand them.

A lot of people that overthink pop culture (Hi, everyone) took this episode to be some kind of statement on faith, which creator Lauren Faust has denied in forums. The whole purpose of the Pinkie Sense was to explore what happens when someone with a closed-mind to a subject, like Twilight, is faced with overwhelming evidence.

I find the entry's ability to miss this point while actually pointing out its existence to be highly entertaining.

Jef has a new story, a tale of headless strippers and The Rolling Stones, available now in Broken Mirrors, Fractured Minds. You can also connect with him on Facebook.

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