5 Things That Will Make the Texas Contemporary Art Fair Successful

The "Ghetto Pompidou"
The "Ghetto Pompidou"

By now you may have heard that another arts fair is about to hit our city. Next week, the Texas Contemporary Arts Fair happens, and like the fair that preceded it a few weeks before, also at the George R. Brown, all eyes will be on the Houston arts scene to see if it can get something lasting set up and make our city the center for visual arts it deserves to be.

I'm being earnest when I say our city deserves to be a center for visual arts. It does. It does ten times over. But deserving and actually becoming are two very different things.

Houston, despite being a great place for culture, a great place to have a family and a great place for economic opportunity, is in no way a place anyone wants to visit for this sort of thing. We've got no beach like Miami, and we've got no everything-else-that's-not-a-beach like New York.

Like I said, though, we've got culture. And some promise. If you're going to the fair next week to check out some art and maybe hit a food truck or two, here are five things to look out for that could make this fair something special.

5. Hot Bitches

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Hot bitches are a good sign for any setting where people are expected to make expensive purchases. If there are hot bitches around, and here I very literally mean good-looking women with poor attitudes, that means that some dudes might buy some art.

I should state clearly here that I don't believe that all men buy art to show how giant their penises are, but you also cannot tell me that some men do not buy art to show how giant their penises are. Men have penises. I have a penis. I know how penises work, and this is how they work.

4. Bill Davenport

And I don't mean Bill Davenport the writer, I mean Bill Davenport the artist. If this thing is to be at all successful, it will need to show some local art and it will need to sell that art. Bill Davenport is a good example of an artist that's around town, has some attention from some stuff, and it's very possible somebody has something of his to sell.

This fair will not succeed if it's some kind of greatest hits collection from around the country. It has to showcase the best of what we have here to make it the unique, community-driven affair that makes a lasting impression to outside people and, more importantly, become something the local art community can get behind.

3. Celebs

Is that David Alan Grier, or are you just racist?

This one is a stretch. We've got two celebrities that occasionally show up around town and those celebrities are Beyoncé, and Beyoncé's fetus. Don't get me wrong, I would totally get excited if Beyoncé and her fetus came to the art fair, but I'm pretty sure she's got better things to do than hang out with Bill Davenport.

This one isn't that important for success, but it won't hurt the fair to have a few famous people buy some shit.

2. Dallas Folk

Yes, I don't like them either. They smell like Polo Sport and always have product in their hair.

Time for real talk, though -- In order for this fair to be successful, we can't do this alone. We need some big hair in our city, and we need that big hair to buy some art. So please, hug someone from Dallas if you see them. I'm sure there are good people under all those pounds of foundation.

Also, notice here how I didn't say "Austin Folk." The closest things to art Austin folk buy are, by my estimate, hula hoops and tickets to see Spoon at ACL.

1. Mountains of Cocaine

I know, I already said "Dallas Folk."

Not to go too far off the edge here, but the people in the art community are generally a little more loose with the party than others. If the local drug dealer has a slightly better week than normal, it means people are out having a good time, and the money is flowing.

It's no secret that this is why Miami is so popular with the art world. What's the reason our drug port of a city can't do the same?

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