We were just moseying along down the sidewalk of the Internet window shopping and fending off the advances of hookers when the above image appeared. That's the first released shot from the Japanese film adaptation of the Ace Attorney games featuring the greatest pointer/lawyer in the world, Phoenix Wright.
If you haven't picked up any of the games we can't recommend them enough. Sure, at first the idea of playing a lawyer video game seems a little weird, but most of us started out as plumbers throwing fireballs at mushrooms in order to kill a giant turtle and restore a monarch to power over a people she was obviously not related to in any way. At this point in time we should be open to pretty much anything.
While reading about the upcoming film we came to a dead stop when they mentioned who would be directing it; Takashi Miike. THE Takashi Miike. The one who has helmed some of the most violent and sadistic horror films ever unleashed upon the world, including Audition, which is only slightly less disturbing than watching footage from the Holocaust.
He might seem like an odd choice, but Miike is known for doing all kinds of films in Japan, including children's films, teen dramas, and even a musical. Still, it got us thinking about video game movies we wish they'd make, and which directors might be the best fits.
Before you start throwing things at us, hear us out. It's hard to believe that nobody has ever made a movie out of any of the Legend of Zelda games. They would translate so much more easily than Mario or even Metroid. You've got your young adventurer, a princess, tons of epic landscape and magical beings, it seems like it would be damn near impossible to mess up.
You know who used to do that kind of thing real well before he forgot how to write a damned script? George Lucas, and adaptations are more of his thing than you would think. If King Features hadn't been asking for the moon in exchange for letting Lucas do Flash Gordon we never would've gotten Star Wars. Ditto with the Hobbit , which netted us Willow.
Even games like Ocarina of Time which are groundbreaking classics have some rather nonsensical plotlines and shoddy dialogue, when you sit down and really analyze them. This seems like the perfect chance for Lucas to redeem himself as a great fantasy director. Plus, we've already had Ocarina of Time redone in game form in 3D, so that's half the work finished already.
On the surface, making a film out of the Portal games seems like a terrible idea. Most of the adventures are problem solving, there's not really a whole lot of plot, your protagonist is mute, and the best scenes would just look like standing around if filmed from the third person perspective.
That is why we need Duncan Jones. If you haven't seen his film Moon then you are missing out on what may be the greatest sci fi flick of the modern era. Best of all, Jones was able to take a film that for all intents and purposes only has a single actor in it, and turn it into a thrilling tale of survival against an unscrupulous company not at all unlike Portal's Aperture Science.
Granted, Jones's work is bleak, but we think that combining his stark, minimalist worlds with the impossibly wonderful black humor stylings from the writers of Portal's incredible dialogues would actually work out like chocolate and peanut butter in the end.
Heading old school for this one, River City Ransom is one of the greatest beat 'em up games ever made. Even today playing it on the Wii Virtual Console is a awesome way to kill an afternoon. It's your basic 8-bit story, two guys set off across River City to rescue one's girlfriend and liberate their high school from rival gangs. Along the way they learn a variety of martial arts techniques that aid them, and battle thugs like the Generic Guys and the Frat Dudes.
What we need is someone to take what is basically a fairly mindless action fight game and add in some depth. No one could possibly be better at this than Luc Besson, director of La Femme Nikita and the Transporter series. Taking mostly regular people and making them out as super badasses is what he does, and it wouldn't need more than a few flashbacks and some edgy dialogue between our heroes and the evil gang leader Slick to sell a few tickets.
And is he's busy then we want Rick King, who directed Prayer of the Rollerboys.
There's a lot of Final Fantasies that you could make films out of, but for our money XII would probably translate the easiest into cinema. Despite the open world nature of the game itself the storyline is actually fairly concise and easy to follow... if you don't get distracted by every single shiny object on the horizon like we did.
Now, when we first started playing the game we had two thoughts. First, someone needs to break into the offices at Square Enix and burn every copy of Stars Wars Episode I that they're hoarding there. Second, that the game really reminded us of David Lynch's take on Dune.
People forget that at one point Lynch made big, big movies, and with just the right prodding he could really churn out an epic fantasy full of political intrigue, airships, and one of the most disturbing of all Final Fantasy final bosses. Always remember, George Lucas wanted Lynch to direct Return of the Jedi. That guy is still in there somewhere beneath all the dwarves and non-linear narratives.
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Originally, we weren't going to suggest a BioShock movie since we've been talking about it so much in order to warn you fine folks that someone actually wants to make the premise of the game come true in horrifying real life. Still, the series remains a modern classic that we cannot help but fantasize about seeing on the big screen.
Considering that he can't even convince a studio to back an R-rated version of Mountains of Madness, we know that Del Toro getting something like BioSock off of the ground is just dreaming. Still we can't resist the idea of the man behind both Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy throwing all caution to the wind and bringing to life the Big Daddies and the underwater city of Rapture.
Hell, if you gave Del Toro $40 million, a green screen, and a few of the insane cosplayers we run across while hanging out at the comic convention circuits you'd have most of your film right there.