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6 Life Lessons Learned From Sharknado

Enough said indeed
Enough said indeed

Imagine you are an up and coming screenwriter named Thunder Levin (you are already awesome by name alone) with a few stellar titles under your belt such as Mutant Vampire Zombies From the Hood and AE: Apocalypse Earth, and you are approached by the Syfy channel to pen the script for a movie about a tornado filled with sharks. Your first thought, when told that the title of your new Magnum opus is Sharknado, is that it is a movie about sharks and the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO) and you think that idea has some real selling power. But then you are told, "No, it's a shark tornado!"

How in the world would you approach such an amazing concept for a script? Should you try and take things seriously, play the whole thing up for laughs or use the most brilliant combination of poor acting, senseless dialogue, illogical plot points and completely unnecessary blood and violence? If you watched the most-hyped up Syfy television movie since Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, then you know Levin went for the latter.

Sharknado, which aired this past Thursday but will re-air this coming Thursday due to massive demand, broke Twitter records with a peak of 5,000 tweets per minute, and has been called one of the most absurd movies to hit the Syfy small screen. But I, for one, feel like after viewing the film (I am calling it a film) learned an immeasurable amount of knowledge that I can take with me for years to come.

6. Sharks only need about six inches to a foot of water to be able to swim Right off the bat, the sharks find their way into the California bay, which is plausible. But rather than being stuck out in the deep end of the ocean, or even in say two or maybe three feet of water, the sharks literally swim right up to the sand. Beachgoers are just wading, ankle deep in the shore and are attacked by sharks that seem to have the power to swim without water. Who knew such a thing was possible?

5. The most massive hurricane may be on its way, but no one in California will really care Hurricane David, the fake hurricane that is quickly flying through Mexico to the California shores, dominates the news in Sharknado. The newscasters are warning that the storm will ravage the beaches and hit land in no time. If this was a real city that took storms seriously as say New York and last year's Sandy or Houston and Ike, people would be going bonkers, boarding up their homes, getting out of Dodge, hunkering down and buying too many cans of beans, but not Californians. They are just chilling on the beach, driving down the 405 like it was any old day. Even seniors at the old age home are just chilling out in the pool. There is a freaking hurricane the size of Africa headed your way and you are rollerblading on the boardwalk? Cali-dudes are that laid back.

4. If a hurricane hits your pool it will flood your house through your windows, but the roads will be totally cool to drive in Fin (Ian Ziering), the hero of Sharknado, takes his comrades up into the hills of Hollywood to save his ex-wife and daughter. The highways waver between completely flooded and then miraculously bone dry. (Maybe Houston needs to take some tips from Los Angeles' drainage system?) Regardless of the logistics of the water runoff, upon reaching the ex-wife's (Tara Reid) house, the shark-filled hurricane hits the family pool, which in turn explodes into the house. The bottom floor fills with water and sharks and the magnitude of the storm forces the liquid up the stairs. How amazing!

But even more shocking is the fact that the driveway leading up to the water-filled house is not just drivable but it is also desiccated. So glad I now know that when you are worried about flooding it is better to stay outside in the street than to climb to the highest point of your house.

 

3. Tornados' polarization can be reversed with explosives and thus permanently stopped When there are three massive shark-infested tornados swirling over Los Angeles threatening everything in their paths, ripping off limbs and heads as they fly through in a trail of destruction, you may think that waiting it out and hiding is the best course of action. You are wrong. The best way to stop a tornado is to get into a chopper with a sack of homemade bombs that you conveniently just put together from a bunch of random oxygen tanks and sparklers, get really close to the eye of the storm and then hurl one with all of your might. If you manage to lob the bomb right into the center of the storm, which is really not that difficult by the way, you will reverse polarize whatever it is that makes tornadoes happen, and they will evaporate like condensation on the side of a cold Lone Star on a hot day. Going forward in life, we can stop tornadoes and Kansas and parts of the Midwest should be jumping for joy. We figured it out guys!

2. If you get swallowed by a shark, you'll be fine if you have a chainsaw (SPOILER) The final of the three tornadoes is stopped by Ziering attempting a kamikaze-type drive into the storm, explosives ready to go off, hopefully, at the most opportune time. But just when we think he has made it through with his life, he is swallowed whole by a shark; what a horrible sad ending. Or is it?

Ziering happens to be consumed with a portable chain saw that he had been easily running around with despite the apparatus's massive weight. Once inside the shark, Ziering saws his way out like Jonah and the Whale or Pinocchio or whatever. Even better than saving his own mortality, he also happens to find the still-animated body of his barmaid, who had also been swallowed whole and was inside the shark for no less than two commercial breaks. Remarkably, the two are just fine, albeit covered in shark blood. Apparently, sharks have no digestive system whatsoever. And you said they did science. I will believe nothing that comes out of a doctor's mouth ever again.

 

1. Ian Ziering looks pretty good for a 50-year old and Tara Reid is the worst actress of all time That's it. That is the final lesson to be learned from Sharknado .

Thank you Syfy. You have given me a gift.


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