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7 Terrible (Movie) Ways To Spend Your Vacation

It's vacation time!
It's vacation time!

Summer time means packing up the kids, boarding the dog and heading to what should be a relaxing trip to some not too far off, but far off enough, destination. This is the theory. In reality, vacations are usually sullied by any number of ridiculous reasons: tire blowouts, dirty hotels, mosquito bites, sunburns, diarrhea, foolish one-night stands, crying babies, over-priced everything, and the most common cause for a bad vacation being that you are stuck with your family for extended periods of times.

We all have our vacation horror stories but hopefully none are quite as bad as the miserable holiday of the Griswold family from National Lampoon's Vacation, which is being screened at Market Square Park on Wednesday, July 11. Never was there a worse combination of unfortunate luck: a dead dog, a dead aunt, being stranded in the desert, missing luggage and the real kicker, when the family gets to their Walley World destination, it's closed. And then they almost get arrested!

Horrible vacations in movies are fairly common and should be watched before you take your own vacation as to make you feel better about the potential calamities that will occur on your own trip. Here are seven vacations in movies to make you feel better about your own ill-fated retreat.

7. Sex In the City

The second SITC flick is the more obvious choice because the ladies actually pack up and go to Abu Dhabi, but it is such a terrible movie in general it is undeserving of any list, good or bad. In the first Sex In the City movie, Carrie is left at the altar, unsurprisingly, by her on-again/off-again Mr. Big. To make her feel "better" her BFFs urge her to go on her honeymoon regardless, with them in tow. What could be more depressing? Not only are you on your honeymoon without your husband, but also you have your slutty friends with you and one of them has violent runs? Stay home and drink yourself into a stupor instead.

6. Home Alone

The McCallisters' family vacation to France is completely ruined by their bratty youngest son wishing they "would all just disappear." Rather than living it up on the Champs-Élysées, the clan is forced to turn around and fly all the way back to Chicago! Mom McCallister certainly gets the worst vacation of all time, selling her clothing and jewelry in an attempt to catch an early flight that only leads her to being stuck in a van with a bunch of fat polka lovers. They should have gone to Florida instead, which they do in the second movie, and it turns out pretty much exactly the same.

5. The Cabin in the Woods

Let's face it, there are very few movies about five friends going on vacation to a broken down cabin in a secluded area that end up going well, but this most recent iteration of the concept may just take the cake. This little get-away doesn't just end up with death and gore, but (SPOILER) these teens find themselves in the middle of a demonic sacrifice that may ultimately end the world. And you thought some guy in a hockey mask was as bad as it could get.

 

4. Open Water

If there is anything to be learned from regularly watching the Today Show it's that horrible things happen when couples go on scuba diving trips together. In the pseudo-documentary Open Water , which is loosely based on a true story, the Watkins take a scuba diving vacation to spice up their marriage and find themselves forgotten at sea. If that is not bad enough, a shark shows up threatening to eat the two. Lesson learned: if you feel like your marriage is on the rocks, a Holiday Inn Express is much safer than most other options.

3. 127 Hours

There is nothing worse than taking a lovely vacation in Utah's Canyonlands National Park to find that you have inadvertently gotten your arm stuck between two boulders and your only option is to cut it off. Even a trip to Beirut sounds more appealing than that.

2. Weekend At Bernie's

Many of us would kill (pun intended) to get to our boss's summer beach house to find that he has kicked the bucket. In reality, though, this would not make for a relaxing vaca. Larry (Andrew McCarthy) and Richard (Jonathan Silverman) spend the majority of their beach time freaking the heck out over how to continue to persuade people that their boss, Bernie, is alive. To make matters worse, even dead Bernie is still a pain in the ass.

1. Jaws

Imagine you are spending the summer at the lovely community of New England's Amity Island, lounging at the beach and catching some rays. Doesn't that sound wonderful? But wait, a great white shark has just shown up and it is, seemingly, indestructible, killing everyone in its path, including your summer fling. This is the worst summer vacation ever and it will probably lead you to a life of expensive therapy sessions and a fear of seafood.

National Lampoon's Vacation is airing as a part of the Alamo Draft House's Rolling Roadshow. Screening will take place at Market Square on July 11 at 8 p.m. For more information visit drafthouse.com.

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