Sometimes you feel like a faux-Aussie accent, sometimes you don't. At I-Fest, we don't.
The theme for this year's International Festival is Australia, which means that although you may be tempted to throw on your best Croc Dundee costume and head on up, you still shouldn't come anywhere near us, especially while a while shirtless and sporting a leather vest.
No one needs to see that, ever.
And no one should be doing any of the things below, either. So if you are even close to fitting into one of these obnoxious categories at this year's I-Fest, please be aware that we will be doing our best to avoid you by any means necessary
8. Double Stroller Dude Oh, double stroller dude. You have the best of intentions, we're sure, but we're where you got the idea that any of this double stroller business was kosher for a festival. Did you not, at any point, look at that enormous baby-lugger and reconsider? Probably not, since you packed up two kids in that thing -- two kids who aren't mobile, by the way -- and then dragged the entire enormous, sticky package down to a festival, where you're now trying to push your entitled way through a massive crowd of people.
We know you heart your kids, and that's great, but they're bored and you're running over someone else's kid in the interim, since you can't see over the giant vehicle you're pushing. Not to mention that thing is like a screeching, barfing wagon of awful to anyone around you who may want to just sit there and check out the music.
7. Double Stroller Kiddos Or any kids, really. Yes, your kid is cute, and yes, it's sooooo funny when Junior runs up into the middle of the Capoeira demonstration and try to show off their own skillz, only it's really not funny and it's actually highly obnoxious.
Listen, we're all for taking your kids to whatever you want, so long as we don't have to peel their sticky hands off of me or pretend to care. So if you're anything other than the parent of one of those kiddos, you may want to avoid them at all costs. And listen, maybe you'll want to avoid them even if you're legally responsible for them, and that's fine too. We don't know, and we sure ain't judgin' ya either. Babysitters exist for a reason.
6. Groups Of Overzealous Chicks With Cameras We all know what happens when you're standing near a group of selfie-snapping women with iPhones, right? You inevitably get pulled in to take a picture or 80 of them with the stage in the background. It's always right in the middle of a decent song, too.
Listen, dears. The Wailers don't want you to take group-selfies with them as the background, and we don't want to snap them for you either. It's just wrong. All of it. So no, we will not tell you to "Say Facebook!" before we snap the photo. We're just going to back away slowly as we throw your iPhone at you in fear instead.
5. Hippies In Knit Caps It's always wise to avoid the hippies in knit caps, no matter where you are, but it's especially wise to avoid them at a festival, unless you want to spend the entire time hypothesizing on things that are way, way too meta for festivals and day-drinking. So just avoid them at all costs...unless they've got the good weed, of course.
